scariest night of my life.

saturday night...by far the scariest night of my life. no exaggeration.

i slept over at michael's apartment because me, him, and aiden were going to see ellen degneres the next day.

basically never having weed ever, ever, ever, ever again. and i mean it.

i had an edible. basically weed in chocolate.

when i first started to feel it i remember being really annoyed with one of michael's friends from school who came to drop something off and wouldn't leave. and then my body started to freak out and i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to say anything because i wasn't comfortable with the girl in there and was really frustrated. i wanted to start crying.

then. i don't know what happened next. i wasn't in reality. i was trapped into this crazy town that was developed from my own mind and i found myself unable to get out of it. there were these 4 "images" like abstract shit that made no sense that i kept revolving around. those were the only things that existed. you know that spongebob episode where squidward is in a white place and only words exist? i lost all my memory. i didn't know humans existed.

i guess the girl i was so annoyed with pointed me out "hey...what's going on with your friend?" i also guess michael immediately ran over to me. you know when you're trapped in a horrible dream and you just close your eyes in your dream and it goes away? well everytime i closed my eyes i was in that universe. so eventually i started to open my eyes and it was michael's face. though i had no idea who he was. he was surrounded by all this creepy shit.

i found it easier to start yelling out things i remember. i yelled eric's name a lot. getting lunch with eric. la vista with kendall. music theory with jason. i started yelling ice cream anything. but it didn't help much.

michael and aiden were probably freaking out as well. i was screaming and grabbing onto michael telling him not to leave me even though i was out of it.


i am still recovering. it's emotionally traumatic and i've been freaking myself out lately. i can't be alone for too long these past few days or the memories come back. but it's the memories i saw in my mind, so it just sucks. physical contact with other people has been reassuring me.

i'm still having to jot my memory. i remember things. it just takes me a little bit longer to remember rather than the second it usually took me.

but now for the funny things i said (which weren't funny at the time.)

i guess i was throwing up so michael took me to the bathroom and i looked at myself in the mirror and said, "ew. i look like lindsay lohan. my hair is greasy."

i guess i was also saying through out the night "are you videotaping me? is this going on youtube? this would be a good youtube video."

i guess i looked at michael's friend and said, "who the fuck is she?" then after i said, "she's ugly."
(one of the images i still see is a cartoon/creepy pop art picture of the girl. everytime i think about her i get that freak out image.



scariest night of my life. i am not really myself yet. so like. if you're reading this and you see me at any point in the day...give me a hug. i'm serious. it reassures me so much. i calm down.