i'm trying.

i'm trying so hard.

i promise you i am. i'm not just saying it.

i wish i could just let go and make it simple...

but i can't.

this is so difficult for me.

i'm trying to pretend it's not but it definitely is.

it's not like this is just some silly crush. if it was then it'd be easier.

the fact of the matter is that i have liked him for SO long.

i care about him. a lot.

and i still like him. a lot.

i keep telling myself mentally to forget about it. that it's nothing. and i'll be fine for a bit.

then i see him and start talking to him and i just lose control of my mind.

i know it sounds sappy but it's true. and it's fucking annoying let me tell you that.

i've been hurting. a lot over this.

it isn't anyone's fault. not even in the least.

it'd be so easy to just be mad. say she's a bitch who is trying to hurt me.

but i can't do that because i know it's not true.

it would be easier to just be mad.

but i can't because i need her.

and him.

i need both of them.

i just don't know if i can do this.

my mom had a surgery yesterday. it wasn't a big surgery or anything but still.

a surgery is a surgery. a surgery leads to pain medication. pain medication leads to drug misuse. and drug misuse leads to rehab. it's been this same cycle for as long as i can remember.

my mom has a small unecessary surgery and she gets what she wants.

i hope this isn't the case.

but i'm not crazy for worrying about it.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy...