Chaotic Ramble

So for some reason I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm afraid of my own voice. Perhaps it could be due to my lack of sharing or because I seem to live in my head more than I seem to live with the real world. Maybe I'm afraid no one wants to hear my voice. Or maybe I'm afraid people do want to hear my voice and thus comes the responsibility of having to use it effectively...

There was once a point where I could blog honestly about how I was feeling and not be ashamed. Or where I could write freely and not be so particular about the words I was choosing or the structure of my sentence or the flow of the content or the relevancy of what I was writing about etc...That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. When you've gotten so used to shoving everything down and locking it up...well it makes this entire process feel unnatural.

I think my issue is that I want to write for myself, for therapeutic purposes...to just put my feelings and thoughts into concrete words so I can give them the existence that they crave and then let go of them...Instead of obsessing over meaningless things over and over in my mind until I reach a point of exhaustion. But I also want to write for other people to read. I don't want it to just be for myself because the world in my mind is already so lonely and I know that me sharing is a way of connection. I tend to self isolate, I know I do it and I'm trying to get better at it.

I guess this is my first step back into the world of blogging. So here, have this chaotic ramble.

Love Did, Love Does and Love Will Continue to Do

"That’s because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does."

I’m the kind of girl who likes to indulge herself from head to toe in the works and words of others, allowing the stories to swallow me whole like waves in an ocean as I am surrounded by nothing but this journey I’ve been drawn into. Now there isn’t anything particularly wrong with this. Not as long as it’s healthy and not as long as the ocean you’re allowing yourself to dive into is made up of the right pieces of work that will change your life rather than distract you from your current life. I, myself, have a habit of unhealthy obsessing in worlds in which I am nothing but an audience to, often times allowing myself to choose these fantasy lives over my actual and current life. Which was why when I decided to come back to Hume Lake, I knew this was something I needed to take control of or rather find a much steadier and loving ocean to plunge myself into. I’ve been reading a book called Captivating written by Christian authors who skillfully define the heart and longings of a woman as the longings of God and that we are his image bearers. Within the first few pages they identify my cravings and obsessions as natural but wrong. That I’m trying desperately to fill a space in my heart and life with a fantasy world rather than that of a loving God who wants nothing more than to fulfill my longings and pursue me. This book essentially has changed my outlook on a lot of things and has beautifully reassured my madness and passion as something that God has made me for. For a majority of the summer I let this book consume my heart…that was until I made an order on Amazon and suddenly right in my hands were the complete DVD box sets of Doctor Who. I innocently lost track of my initial motive and was once again sucked into a fantasy world spending my hours locked inside, rather than participating with the beautiful people and environment God has led me to.

That’s why when my friend Eric mentioned a book he suggested I read. I immediately said yes as I found myself yearning for the book to be placed into my hands. Honestly, I vaguely remember him bringing it up in our long, deep conversation that took place as we prepared for the engagement of two of our friends. So much was said, so much was done, and so many stories were told that the quick mention of this book that had impacted his life whizzed right over my head. Until he reminded me about the book and it was then with that reminder and that instant craving for the book that I had admitted to myself that I’d been sucked into my unhealthy obsession again. I realized I had made my way through all of Season 1 of Full House and all of Season 8 of How I Met Your Mother in under two weeks. I needed waves of real life realization to push me back on to shore and just after reading the back of the book and the prologue I realized that this was the book that would be giving me that push. It wouldn’t be the book that pushed me to shore but it’d be one of the books that would push me to the waves of the gospel and the bible which are the ultimate life saving results. My faith and my romance with God would be what would put me to shore. Where I would stand as the strong, dependent woman that my path at Hume Lake has slowly been leading me to.

Anyway the night I left Eric’s house after he had given me the book I had decided to read it immediately. Unfortunately and mistakenly, I had taken my sleeping medication prior to actually reading the book which is titled “Love Does” which I learned was written by a vastly admired man purely because of the genuine love he has for many people. That was all of the information I gathered before I zonked out. Love Does did take me again the next early evening as I found an uncomfortable rock to sit upon and a blanket to keep myself warm with. I was invited to read witness to the journeys and the mental thoughts of Bob Goff as we sailed through his true life stories such as randomly deciding to move to Yosemite with an encouraging friend who invited himself, getting shot by his high school friend Doug who ultimately explained to him about Jesus, and even to the part where he decided he wanted to be a lawyer. And even though he failed the LSAT, he sat outside the Dean’s office for a week until the words he were waiting for were finally spoken and he was let in. Love Does is reiterated as the fact that love is more than a thought or a belief but it’s an action with results. I felt inspired as I put the book down and let out a sigh, admiring the beauty of God’s creation that surrounded me in the mountains of Hume Lake. Then I turned around and behind me were trees in the distance covered by a dusty, orange exterior that I knew must have been result of the sun setting but was a sight that I had never seen before. I felt the need to get a better look, to walk toward this beautiful sight as if walking toward it would lead me in the right direction. Now keep in mind, I was in the current mindset of Bob Goff as I did so but I went along with this, feeling triumphant with every step I made up the hill. It was then that I spotted a huge rock with a ladder resting upon it. Now I had learnt a few weeks ago whilst off-roading with my wagon train family that I am not the bravest and skillful rock climber. Fear had taken over and if it weren’t for the support and help from my friends, I wouldn’t have made it to the top of The Chicago Stump. So not only was I tempted by the fact that there was an unattended ladder straight in front of me…come on? How can you resist a ladder? I also found it amusing and coincidental that it was resting upon a very large rock. God was calling me saying, “Madison, climb this mossy rock so you can enjoy this view from a much higher point and don’t worry about the fact that your feet suck at rock climbing, I have left a ladder for you.” I didn’t even question it as I found myself running as I quickly went up the ladder and was standing tall and proud. The view was immensely better because when it comes to huge trees and five foot one me…the trees always win in blocking my view. The rock expanded my horizons literally as I was able to admire the view from a perspective I couldn’t from just down the hill. 

While I was standing on the rock I had realized that I left my book and blanket down on the previous smaller and uncomfortable rock. So I quickly ran down so I could bring them to my new epic spot. Usually I would be afraid of slipping or snakes or tripping over sticks (I do that too often) but all I could think about was Love Does and everything I was doing was out of love…love for exploring this new book given to me by a friend, love for my God who has provided me with such awestruck natural beauty, and love for the fact that I was doing something I normally wouldn’t do. Unfortunately, going up the ladder this time wasn’t enough to secure my position on the rock. I had thrown my blanket and the book up but my right foot was slipping down the rock and the ledge where I had put my left foot last time was occupied by my items. I felt myself slowly slipping as I tried my hardest to use my hands to grip onto the rock…there was nothing for me to grab onto. Fear was just about to take control as I came to realize my predicament wasn’t getting solved until miraculously, out of the bushes…literally, appeared Jive (Jonah), aka one of my Wagon Train family members. I was surprised and extremely grateful to see him. I must have looked ridiculous to him, frozen on the side of a rock just above a ladder and trying not to move…I had decided that not moving was my best bet because it meant not sliding. I don’t even know what he said as he emerged…probably something witty or joking but it didn’t matter because I calmly said, “I’m slowly falling…my shoes are making me slip” and right on cue my right foot started to slide and I focused my attention on the rock in front of me once again. Jive tried to help me by getting me to move my left foot but there was no way that was going to happen because I knew that if I moved my feet that my shoes would just make me slide. So Jive climbed up the ladder as I was still quiet and staring at the rock intensely before he offered me his hand so I could push myself up with my right foot. With a shift of faith I let my right foot press against his hand as I pushed myself up and quickly climbed to the top, once again secure at my new favorite spot. After a brief conversation, Jive continued on his journey toward Wagon Train before saying something along the lines of “What would you do without me?” with a joking tone. I don’t know if I said this aloud or if I was thinking it but to answer his question…I would have fallen off the rock actually. I realize now that even though Jive may not realize this but that was an act of Love Does. He didn’t belittle me, or jokingly try to make me more nervous, or even question what most likely looked utterly ridiculous. He accepted what I was trying to do and helped me achieve it…literally by helping push me up. Now I am pretty sure he made fun of me a little but that didn’t matter because he ultimately respected my task and my need to get onto the rock even if he didn’t understand it. He didn’t tell me to just come down before I hurt myself. So the arrival of Jive at the exact time where I needed help was another sign and push toward my journey to shore. 

I continued to read the book before darkness emerged and I made a pillow for my head with my jacket as I placed the blanket over me looking up at the sky. I’ve been incredibly mesmerized by stars this Summer because I only recently found out that the stars move every night and that every night you could witness a few shooting stars. As I stared up at the stars I had the realization that I wanted to be just like a star. I wanted to shine bright and bold with my passion and love, I wanted to be apart of something big, and even when I died I wanted to continue to shine for years and years because of my imprint on the world before I’d eventually fade. I want that to be my final act of Love Does.

The Lack of Logic

When people ask if you're okay, they usually don't want to really hear the REAL answer. They want to hear that you're fine. Because everyone believes that once you admit you have a problem and once you start dealing with that problem, the problem is immediately solved.

But the issue with that belief is that sometimes we don't know what our specific problem is. And that's where it gets complicated. The word trigger is tossed around when dealing with depression but my issue is, is that I don't know what my triggers are because I don't fucking know what my problem is. What's the cause of it? Why is it crashing upon me now? What's the trigger? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

Everyone tells me that I have every reason to be feeling this way, to finally be hitting my crashing point. What with everything that has gone on with my family, the divorce, the selling of the house, everything, everything, EVERYTHING...logically these events can trigger sadness. And it's so easy and so logical to blame this intense sadness on these events and my past.

But feelings aren't logical and my sadness certainly has no logic. I feel like my heart is broken, this sadness is deep inside the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it's coming from and it's just a huge cloud of confusion mixed with feelings that I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel this sadness and this confusion and this frustration of not understanding. The frustration of the lack of logic.

I'm an expert escapist. I've been doing it skillfully for the past 3 years. Avoiding feelings...avoiding relationships and just pretending. Why do I love movies and TV shows? Because they allow me to feel without having to deal with the actual consequences of putting my guard down. Escaping is cheating. But why would I put my guard down just so people can continue to take advantage of me? I had to put my guard up because I was living in a family where I had to defend myself. Where my flaws, my insecurities, my reactions where used as weapons against me in arguments of war. I don't enter battlefields where I know the odds are against me. So I surrender. Because that's easier than dealing with the pain.

I only post on here when I have something on my mind that I desperately need sorted out.

I got a call from my sister yesterday about a conversation/argument her and my mom had. Somehow I was dragged into it when I desperately wished they would just leave me out of it. I answered the phone and the first thing that was said, "Are you insecure about your weight?" I frowned as I scratched my head. Where in the world was this coming from. "What? No..." Do I wish I were healthier and maybe a little more fit? Sure. Who doesn't? But I don't think I need to lose weight. "Oh that's funny because Mom said that you said that you're insecure about your weight and now Mom is crying because she said her two daughters are getting fat and are not happy with their bodies." As always I didn't know what to say because this was not a conversation I wanted to be having. "Um no...I don't know what she's talking about. I have never ever once said anything of the sort." Literally I have never said anything about my weight or body to my mother...See what I have to deal with? Random phone calls like these. "Mom also said that you said that you think I'm fat." WHAT? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? "I have never said that, Mckenzie. I don't think that. I don't understand why you're calling me..." Everyone always asks me why I never answer the phone...here is my justification. "I'm calling you because Mom is saying all these crazy things about you and I wanted to make sure you didn't think you were fat because you totally aren't. She also said that Madison isn't as tiny as she looks and that she has a belly."

Ah. So the truth finally came out. My mom was putting words in our mouths in order to justify what SHE was thinking about us. It's a horrible thing. For 18 years I was living in a household with people who were always quick to tell me exactly what I did wrong but that very rarely glorified me for what I did right. Everything I thought was wrong. Everything I liked was wrong. All the guys I was attracted to was wrong. I lived under a roof where I was constantly trying to be conformed to the Madison Swart that everybody wished I could be instead of the Madison Swart that I was.

And I still wonder why I rely so heavily upon the reassurance of others? Because I let myself become brainwashed by the people I figured knew me well...Instead of just trusting myself and standing up for who I was. Now here I am...separated from my family...but still not completely able to trust myself. I question every single decision. The only time I'm reassured is when I get that nod of approval from other people.

EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO STOP BEING SAD. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND THE CURE FOR SADNESS?

The bad in each other.

When you're standing on the edge of a cliff there are a few things that can happen.

1. You jump.

2. You fall.

3. You're pushed.

4. The ground you are standing on crumbles.

Right now I'm on the edge of a cliff and the very foundations that I've been securely fastened upon for the last 19 years are crumbling. I am forced to fall into the unknown and all I can do is brace myself for what's at the bottom. Now let's be real, there is still a tiny bit left of me that is an optimist. I pray to god that part won't disappear. Most cliffs in reality end with a very abrupt end and let's be blunt: death. My cliff ends in the next stage of my life, for falling is just the scary transition.

I've come to the conclusion that divorce brings out the selfishness in everyone involved. Fuck, I must be a selfish bitch for sitting in this room blogging and watching the Golden Globes while my mom is crying on the couch in the other room to her friend. I'm the selfish child who moved away from her family. Who has it easy because she distanced herself and barely keeps in contact. But sometimes selfishness is the only coping mechanism that is left. I've been selfless for too long and now I need to heal.

Sadness is too easy of an emotion to feel and it's too difficult of an emotion to rid.

Happiness is a illusion.

Happiness is just an illusion, a mask that can temporary blur the reality and truth.

Say Satre's theory "Existence precedes Essence" was completely valid...where would that leave homosexuality? One of the biggest arguments with homosexuality today is whether or not you are born gay.

Existence precedes Essence states that when you are born you are born with no essence. Your essence is something that you come to identify through existence. All the knowledge you have comes from things that you have only directly experienced. So homosexuality would then be clumped with essence...therefore homosexuality is something you learn over your years of living.

I don't think this is true but every time there is a discussion with Satre I can't help but think about homosexuality.

Home is where the heart is?

Having two homes is very unsettling. Whenever I'm home in Manhattan Beach, I want to be in Chicago. Whenever I'm home in Chicago, I want to be in Manhattan Beach. They say that home is where the heart is so why is it that my heart always seems to be wherever I'm not?

My dad says that this will never go away and he should know...He's the man that's been away from his home since the age of 19. I guess I'm the same age but at least I'm on the same continent as my family.

I've seemed to really discover myself in Chicago which is great. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm going to lose it when I go back home. Here, I surround myself with people who only think highly of me and believe me in me and just flat out love everything about me. If anyone makes me feel bad I just don't hang out with them...Simple as that. At home it's more difficult than that. The people that make me feel bad are right in my very own family.

Honestly...I'm afraid to go home. I'm losing my support system for a few months and I don't know if I'm ready to handle everything on my own.

Of course I am writing all of this while spending my last bittersweet Monday as a freshman packing up all of my stuff. It's only understandable that my current emotional state is sad and reminiscent.

I find writing in this blog very therapeutic. Whenever I'm feeling a strong emotion it helps me to discover why I'm feeling that specific emotion. It's also just nice to vent freely and to not have to censor anything.

Story Idea: A homeless man who lost touch with his family 7 years ago ends up running into his niece (or granddaughter) when she comes with her youth group to feed the homeless. She tells him their new address and gives him a little money for transportation. He shows up at their house for dinner.

I need a personal hard drive.

I am absolutely terrified of death. What scares me the most has nothing to do with the physical pain. It's the fact that our minds completely shut down instantly when we die. All of those memories, all of that knowledge, all of that hard work will in the end amount to nothing.

I wish I could hire Apple to create a personal hardrive just for my brain. That way when I die I will have everything in my brain backed up for someone else's benefit or just for resources (Let's be serious I would never curse somebody with my mind. That'd be cruel.)

I would like to believe in a heaven. After all there is nothing wrong with harmless belief. But now that I have been losing touch with my religion it's hard to find the reassurance in a heaven. Even if there is a heaven, I don't believe that our personal selves make it up there. Maybe our spirits do. But how is that reassuring? People make the mistake of grouping our personalities and our spirits together. Sure we may have individual spirits, but they don't have any resemblance to our human selves. They are our essences. Our core. So even if my spirit lives on Madison Swart will not. Madison Swart is apart of my spirit. My spirit is not apart of Madison Swart.

The only way I will ever be at peace with death is if I die feeling like I made a difference. Enough of a difference to be remembered. The only way we live on after we die is through our impacts on other people. Though it's not enough for me to just impact those close to me because after all they will eventually die as well.

No. I need to create something meaningful. I am a very selfish person. The only way I find happiness is by making other people happy.

Story Idea: Comedy. A man dies and finally gets to meet his spirit. His spirit is completely disappointed in what this man has amounted to.The spirit then shows this man who else he has been a spirit to in the past. A wide range of successful and different things. Perhaps a king, a philosopher, a lion, Martin Luther King Jr. etc

Questions to think about: How will it end? Do the spirit and the man part ways?

I am going to start creating story ideas from the big things that are floating around in my mind. That way, instead of useless babble, it might turn into something.

The beauty of confidence...confidence is beauty.

I believe the most beautiful thing about a person is confidence. In order to achieve confidence, you need to accept and love your flaws. So if I want to be the most beautiful version of myself...I need to achieve this goal.

One of the reasons why I got this hair cut is for that. I feel like a majority of people hide behind their hair and with this hair cut my facial attributes are thoroughly exposed. The parts I like and the parts I don't like.

I have always had trouble seeing how people could find me physically attractive. The only thing I found attractive about myself was my blonde hair and my hazel eyes...but the thing I need to start realizing is that it takes more than just those two things to be seen as beautiful.

A lot of women only think they're attractive if guys find them attractive. Which is sort of how I've been thinking. "Okay if guys think I'm attractive then I must be attractive. I must be doing something right." Do you realize how wrong that sounds? I fail to see myself as beautiful. How in the world am I going to make it if I don't accept everything about myself? I can't just trust other people with something as delicate and personal as my beauty.

We are stuck with all of our physical attributes. We might as well find a way to see our flaws as beautiful otherwise we are going to be one of those people getting plastic surgery.

If you believe you are beautiful, along with your flaws...then you are confident. If you are confident then you are sexy. If you are sexy AND confident you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll have them boys lining up on your yard for more than just your milkshakes.

I also cut my hair because of respect issues. I am sick of being seen as the short, innocent, naive, cute little blonde haired girl. I am sick of guys taking advantage of me. I already got sexually assaulted while I was sleeping which is not even close to being okay. So I figure that this hair cut makes me look older. More sophisticated. More lovely. More elegant. As long as I feel all these things I won't feel as helpless and I'll be able to self defend myself more.

It's time for me to grow up. My life is moving in a direction where I am taking big responsibilities and I need to start receiving respect.

So. I am deactivating my Facebook for about a week. Here is my reasoning:

There has certainly not been a week during which my profile did not exist. Even if I did not log in, my online identity was always visible. So for five continuous years, my identity has existed on this random website that was started by an even more random former Harvard student.

Often times we do not realize what role something plays in our life until we are forced to no longer have that in our life (this works with people too). Thus, I have decided to proactively eliminate Facebook from my life in order to analyze the role it plays in my daily routine.

I will “not exist” in the Facebook world for a week. I will delete anything related to Facebook and will deactivate my account (Facebook allows you to do so and to come back).

I will write at least a few sentences everyday for the next week about how not having a Facebook account is affecting my daily routine.

I realize that to many people out there this all seems silly because they either do not have a Facebook account or only log in every few weeks to check it. I acknowledge that you cannot relate to this and respect that, but I also know that many others out there can relate completely because Facebook has become as ritualistic a part of their lives as brushing their teeth and eating.

Many who do have a Facebook may also think that I am over-dramatizing this one week experiment for the sake of the blog.

I disagree.

I do not hate Facebook. I actually appreciate it very much and love that it allows me to connect with friends from all over the world and show off my art.

What I do hate are my habits when associated with Facebook. I believe that I have become too dependent on it and that I have illogically created a ‘need’ to check Facebook everyday and to update my friends with pointless statuses about things.

I hope to understand this ‘need’ and to manage it better after this one week experiment. I expect that I will survive just fine without Facebook and that I will still have a social life. I want to use Facebook as a tool and I want to control Facebook. I do not want Facebook to use me as a tool and to control me.

It'll be a much needed experiment. Everyone can agree how different I am when it comes to Facebook and how many of the things I do are now measured by "How many likes this will get"

As an artist and a human I need to stop depending so much on Facebook and approval from other people. It has totally warped my sense of reality and it's something I need to work on. My dependency on it is not healthy and there are other things I could be doing this break then spending it on Facebook.

it's about time i realize that birthday's are just ordinary days. they aren't magical. the only interesting thing that happens is you grow older...but that has to do with science. not magic.

i owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

i know everyone thinks i went off to england on some grand, big adventure that was going to be life changing...but...okay let me tell the story.

(keep in mind this might sound silly but in my defense i am beyond tired.)

before i flew off i had very big expectations. i was very confident that this was going to be the best time ever. adventure by adventure taking me by storm (you folks back home know i love those adventures) but i never expected it to be scary. i was stuck in a house full of people i called family...but also a house full of people i barely ever talked to. it was horrible. i literally stayed in my room and read, barely speaking, barely doing anything for the first few days. but that changed. and not because of anything i did.

a owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

this past week i have had the opportunity to be surrounded by some of the coolest people i think i will ever meet. going to a new country is beyond scary but for some reason they were all nice enough to accept me into their little group. not to mention there is a boy i have developed a major crush on. there is the girl who is super friendly and wouldn't hurt a fly (not to mention she is also one of the prettiest girls ever.) the boy who is the boyfriend to the super friendly girl and who doesn't say much but is very nice and caring. the boy with the blue eyes and who always seem to have the biggest smile on. he also manages to get everyone else to smile as well. the girl who is just all around kind and accepting. the boy with the long, curly hair (who my aunt calls goldilocks) who comes off as bad-ass but seems to genuinely care. the intelligent boy who always makes witty, smart-ass comments (because he can...) and who also seems to always be helping people out. and of course, the person who deserves the biggest thanks, my cousin. he is the nicest and most caring person. i am lucky to be the same age as him and i am lucky we get along so well. he's helped me a lot. (even though he won't let me drive his car. DANG IT.)

the truth is...i did go on a trip that was life changing. i mean. i hope it continues to be life changing. being surrounded by these people has helped me immensely. not only to prepare me for college but it also broke me out of the drama department state. meaning we all know how everyone in the drama department is cliquey and not accepting. i couldn't help but think that if it was someone trying to come into my group of friends (EVEN for a few weeks) they wouldn't have been as accepting.

so i thought i'd say thank you. even though you guys will probably never read this i just thought it should be said.

The promise I just couldn't keep.

"This is the place you promised me you would never grow up."

I had totally forgotten. About 11 years ago The Swart family was taking a trip to visit the family in England. The father was looking around at all of the people, all of the goodbyes which probably caused him to say this,

"Promise me you two will never grow up?" The father said as the two young girls giggled and looked at each other.

"Dadddd." The curly haired one whined.

"We can't promise you that." The eldest daughter said as she proceeded with taking off her shoes and putting them in the security bin. The father grabbed the security bin and looked at the two girls, eyeing them. They both continued to giggle thinking it was all a big game, though 11 years later they would soon come to realize it wasn't.

"Promise me or we're not going through." He said in a joking matter. The two girls rolled their eyes anxious to go buy their snacks and watch dvd's on their father's laptop.

"Okay fine. We promise." The eldest girl said as she jumped up and grabbed the security bin.

"Yeah we promise." The curly haired girl mimicked as she scrunched up her blanket and stuck her thumb in her mouth, following the eldest sister.


Now here we were standing at the airport right before the security point where from then on I would be on my own. I bit my lip softy as I looked up at my father, tears were glistening in his eyes. He probably would have been crying if I hadn't made him promise before hand not to.

"Don't be sad. This isn't goodbye. You're going to see me in just a few weeks!" I said trying to lighten the mood though I knew it was a matter of mere seconds until I would be crying as well.

I didn't know what to say. What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep? In my defense I was about 8 or 9 at the time so it wasn't a true promise. You know like "I promise I'll walk the dogs" or "I promise I won't get addicted" or "I promise I'm not cheating on you." So let me ask again, What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep?

A blog post coming from the ultimte fan girl.

What I am about to write is coming from the perspective of an 18 year old girl, at 3:00 in the morning, feeling emotional from just watching a movie. So I apologize in advance if everything is illiterate and senseless.

I have to admit something. I haven't been completely honest with everybody and for the past four years I fear I have been hiding a part of myself I wanted to be hidden for pride and judgment purposes, which I finally realize now was foolish.

I smarter than people think I am and not just with advice but with writing and literacy as well. I am saying this now because after tonight I never noticed how people don't take me seriously. How people don't respect or listen to me and you know what? It's the last straw. I deserve more than how I am treated. I am more than just that funny girl on Comedysportz. I am more than that awkward girl who doesn't fit in with the people she calls her best friends. I am more than the photographer. I am more than that girl who almost didn't graduate. I am more. I am more. I am more.

I am a complete and utter nerd. I always will be. I develop obsessions with movies and stories because I love to dwell on the escape it opens for me. Needless to say I am probably a bigger Harry Potter fan than most of the people in the South Bay because I do more than just read Harry Potter fan fiction. I do more than reading Harry Potter wikipedia constantly. Want to know a secret? For six years I was a Harry Potter roleplayer and damn good one at that. Actually, one of the bests [Not to be cocky.] What exactly does that mean? I pick a character. I become that character. Did you know there are probably more 3,000 Harry Potter roleplayers out there? Hell and that's JUST Harry Potter roleplayers. I am willing to bet there are more than 7,000 roleplayers out there. Which is amazing if you think about it. Some of the best writers in the world uniting and creating stories that were never thought of.

I bet a lot of people are reading this either in confusion or reading this aloud to a group of friends laughing at how stupid I probably sound but here is something to think about. What makes a roleplayer different than an actor? Other than the obvious reasons but ultimately they are one in the same.

A lot of people ask me how I made it through my life while being so sane. Or how I got so mature. Or how I never completely lost hope when bad things after bad things kept happening to me. It'd be wrong for me to answer with roleplaying because that isn't true. Roleplaying helped me immensely but it is not the answer. Roleplaying guided me in the right direction. If it weren't for roleplaying I would still be the shy girl who sat in her room all day reading Harry Potter books. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have developed a confidence and a voice to speak out. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have thought to join drama. If it weren't for roleplaying I would have never started writing and if I never started writing I would have never dreamed of becoming a director because ultimately being a director is being able to control the emotion. The emotion of the audience. Or perhaps even the reader. Controlling the emotion of the actors.

Control is the key. Control is also something I am still learning to master.

I haven't been roleplaying these past few years because I myself, lost control. I lost control of reality and started to blur the life of roleplaying into the life of Madison Swart. Which is a very dangerous thing. I would stay inside all day and worry about my online life rather than my real life. Compare it to Inception, if you must.

The reason I started writing this blog was inspired by the last Harry Potter movie. I decided to go and look through all of my past roleplaying accounts and I just read through...everything.

I am no longer ashamed because I really feel like I have figured myself out as a person. I love the way I think and I love the way I care about people and I love the way I put myself in other people's shoes.

I am aware this probably sounds ridiculous and confusing but this is important. If any of you in the world are depressed. Or feeling like there is no escape. Or you have a horrible life. Or you find yourself reading, only to wish that this was you I suggest roleplaying. Or writing. I swear to god it will make you a better person. It will boost your confidence and help you learn to communicate better.

The next blog post I write will be going more into detail about the roleplaying world and what exactly I did because whether or not you care to admit it I bet you are curious and I bet very few of you have heard about this before me.

For now I will leave you with something I wrote and posted onto all of my roleplaying accounts. I don't know if this will change anybody's views about me or if this is even important to anybody else but me.

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Last year the last toy story ended and all the graduating seniors found it more sentimental than the rest because they too, like Andy, were leaving for college. My senior class has grown up with Harry Potter. Almost always being in the same grade as the trio. The ending of the Harry Potter movies not only marks the ending of, well the Harry Potter movies, but also the ending of an amazing generation. But just because the Harry Potter movies are ending it does not mean it's the end of Harry Potter. Harry Potter will never die. It's inevitable. Harry Potter was meant to survive and so it shall be.

Now I will transition into my personal story of how Harry Potter has affected my life and if you are reading this I am quite curious to hear yours as well. Let's all reminisce together: for if it wasn't for Harry Potter we all wouldn't have these accounts.

If it weren't for the Harry Potter movies I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Period. Not only would I not have been the same person but I most likely wouldn't even be the same roleplayer I am today. I had never shown an interest in Harry Potter before the movies. My father was always urging me to read the books but I wasn't a book reader back then. Then I saw the first movie and I fell in love. I was about 9 or 10 around the time and I remember leaving that theater telling my dad to buy me the Harry Potter books instantly. So we drove to the book store that night got myself the first Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone.

I read that first book in one night, which for me was really quite remarkable. I did not fall in love with reading until Harry Potter and soon after I was known as that quiet girl who always read Harry Potter in class. When I was in 7th grade my parents forced me to go to church camp. I wasn't very good at making friends back then so I brought all my Harry Potter books with me as some sort of a safety net. Of course I didn't think about the consequences of bringing Harry Potter books to a Christian camp until now. Think about it for a moment. Heh. Now I am the witty, out going, funny girl who always makes people smile and when my old friends from church camp tell people how we met they would say "She would refuse to come out with us on the lake and would stay in the cabin all day reading Harry Potter." Everybody laughs and think it's a joke! Nobody believes that I used to be that girl.

I have read each of the books at least 7 times. I started roleplaying about 6 years ago and the first account I ever made was a Ginny Weasley account. I would not be a roleplayer without Harry Potter. Hell, I probably wouldn't even be as literate as I am without Harry Potter. That is what roleplaying as done for me.

I have had a horrible childhood. It started getting bad for me in middle school when our family found out about my mom's drug addiction. That was when life started to hit me and I started to grow up. Being the eldest of three children I was forced to grow up and act mature which roleplaying has helped me with immensely. I have used roleplaying and reading to let myself feel like a child while also feeling like an adult. Here I am pretending I'm an imaginary character while writing at least 12 paragraphs a day. My imagination grew. My literacy grew. My maturity grew. I, myself, grew and I sincerely have Harry Potter to thank for that.

Long live Harry Potter.

last night was probably one of the best nights/days of my life. i hung out with this boy who i've always sort of had a crush on.

we were on the hammock (he of course had his ukulele in hand) i had my head on his shoulder and we just looked up and sang songs. it was like something out of the movies.

we would be dating if i wasn't leaving so soon. that was brought up many times through out the night and it was basically as if we were dating. we kissed sort of as a joke. then we kissed again. i have to thank my sister for being the one to force us to kiss.

it's really frustrating. why didn't we start dating sooner? in the beginning of the year.

regardless not all hope is lost.

"i hate you."

"lies."

"i'm probably going to kiss you again, so you're probably right."

it seriously just hit me. well actually it hit me at like 3 in the morning when i was watching a movie. but i put it off. so of course i woke up this morning pretty sad.

i cant believe that my classes are over. most specifically music theory. i can't fucking believe that comedy sportz is over. you know the thing i miss the most from comedy sportz? getting texts from the twitter about fun away things and driving with the team and being silly. i can't believe i can no longer call the drama room my home. that's surreal. i'm never going to go buy lunch again there. or go with jason and eric to get snacks. or gabby. that is no longer my school. so any other time i step onto that campus i am super senior.

it was really hard saying goodbye to jason. i didn't think it'd be a big deal. but it was the absolute worst. why has he affected so many peoples lives that a lot of people are sad he is leaving?

i hope this feeling of sadness goes away soon so i can enjoy my summer.

i'm really confused. about everything. certain events have taken place these past few days that have really forced me to become...cautious. before if anything happened to me that upset me or that i was confused about i would text people. usually one person. but now i've had to stop. and it's really weird. because i used to logic myself out and figure things out by talking to other people. but now i'm getting turned against it. it's really hard. to restrain myself from texting. from needing help. or asking for help. because i don't know who else to ask. or who else to talk to. who i could be hurting or affecting by talking about this crazy shit to.

i'm just a basket case.

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him.