a complete waste of time.

i owe a huge apology to a lot of people. a lot of people i have hurt within these past few weeks. a lot of people i have led on. a lot of people i have stopped talking to. a specific person i said mean things about. so i'm sorry. that is where i want to start for now.

i'm going to start writing in my blog regularly about everything.

my life pretty much sucks right now.

all my best friends are dating people. and a specific close friend is dating someone i don't think he should be dating.

i am extremely jealous. or maybe that's not the word. i think scared is the right word. i have opened up myself emotionally to this person. every other guy i have ever been this honest with i was dating. and they all ended up leaving me. so i thought it would be safe to open up to this guy because we weren't in any way romantically linked. and it was working out for a really long time. this is the first time i've ever felt completely safe with a guy. i was never worried about him leaving me because we weren't dating. but now he's dating a girl and i am absolutely scared shitless. every time i see them together i see us growing apart. because now i'm not the only girl. she is a priority over me. she's his GIRLFRIEND. i'm just the FRIEND. let's be honest here, he'd probably much rather be spending his time making out with her rather than listening to me complain or cry or talk about music and bands and silly things like that. and this is definitely effecting my view on her and i wish i had better control over it. i bet she's a nice girl but i automatically just resent and despise her. when i see her with him i can't help but only think really mean things about her. and that makes me feel so horrible.

it's not that i'm jealous that he has someone. or that they all have someone. i thought that was the issue. it's not. i don't want to like someone right now. i've tried. i really have. i just don't have the ability to like anybody right now.

i think it's a complete waste of time. we only have a few months left and i don't want to be spending my time getting to know a new person. that's all i'm going to be doing when i get to college. i want to spend my time with the people i've grown with over the years. the people that have already been apart of my life for awhile now. THEY are my priority. and it makes me frustrated that they don't see it the same way i do.

let's make the best of the time we have left together. pinky promise?

here's the deal world...

here's the deal world, i have finally realized that i'm dealing with some sort of depression.

i will be completely sad for no reason. and i will feel like i have to make up a reason just to justify my sadness. but i'm sick of that. i'm just sad. i don't have any reason. i wish i did, it would make more sense. but i just don't.

everyday is a different day. one day i will wake up feeling happy and hopeful (rare but it happens.) and other days i will wake up just the same. i constantly feel like i'm not in reality. that i'm on drugs and that everything is a dream. it's just really scary. i seriously feel like i'm going crazy at times.

i do have amazing friends. and amazing family. but it's really hard to realize.

here's what happened:

i had two friends over after fullerton and we were watching a movie. i felt completely sad. so i started tweeting sad things. then another friend of mine came to pick up my friend and i forgot he followed me on twitter. so when he asked how i was doing i completely lost it and started crying and freaking out admitting out of no where that i thought i was dealing with depression.

it was pretty bad that i needed my best friend to come over. he came over and just held me as we talked about life. and just really serious things.

i think the main thing i'm dealing with is that i'm lonely. not in a "gah why don't i have a boyfriend" kind of way but in the kind of way where every single minute of the day, no matter who i am with, i feel completely and utterly alone in this world. that when i'm in a group of people, they wouldn't care if i was there or not.

i guess my blog is more than just a weezer lyric and it seems to fit perfectly into my life right now: what's the deal with my brain?

gelukkige nuwejaar

January: the night started off with upsetting negatives and lifelong positives. our "relationship" was hitting a rocky point. you lied to me. which was super annoying. this night i made 2 really important friends. one of them is now one of my best friends. the other is a friend i really value. both were impacting friendships. i started project 365. i auditioned for the wiz. i had a callback and actually felt like i deserved that callback. i was debating ending things with you. you convinced me to stay because you said you needed me. you said i wouldn't regret it this time. toward the end of the month we ended things. you had sex with another girl a couple nights after. sounds like another familiar story i was apart of...even though i thought the end of us was mutual i ended up wanting to get back together with you. when you left i started to think about my past relationship. but i then realized it wasn't you i missed. it was having someone. that person to always text good morning and good night to. or texting exciting things that happened in your day. always having a new message in your phone. it was upsetting seeing nothing...so i got a twitter. that problem was solved and i stopped thinking about you. sorry. i drank for the first time in my life at the end of this month. in fucking topanga. what the fuck? who goes to fucking topanga?

february: i was best friends with jordan for a while. i really loved his friendship. went back to south africa again. this time it was different. when i went during the summer i was in a relationship and didn't want to leave you. but now i had nothing to lose. i didn't care about what i was leaving behind. i forgot about everything and just took every little moment in. i was careless. i was put into dangerous situations but it was thrilling. i had a major crush on a guy who plays the cello. i was hoping i'd come back and we'd become an item. i found out very shocking news about one of my good friend's boyfriend. i found out how much of a scumbag he was. i was with a naive little freshman girl who was getting texts from this hotshot senior boy. the problem was this hotshot senior boy was dating my friend. it was a weird situation. he was texting her things that she was getting excited about. he said he's liked her for a while and doesn't even like the girl he is dating. he wants to break up with her and date this little freshman girl. she was smiling like a little lovesick puppy. i was caught in the middle. i wanted to be excited with her. it was raining for gods sake and she was dancing! she was so happy. honestly, i probably cracked more than a few smiles and more than a few dance moves with her. but my mind kept going back to girl who didn't deserve the hurt that was coming her way. i didn't know what to do. i tried to tell people, but no one listened to me. no one believed me. why would they? everyone thought he was god. everyone thought they had such a cute relationship how dare I try to end that. i was super close with this little freshman girl and i was sick of her. she was hurting me and being stupid with this whole boy situation. she wouldn't listen to me and i didn't want to put up with it anymore.

march: the show was kicking into gear and we all decided our chereographer sucked. i also got rejected for the first time. it wasn't that bad. it gave me confidence with guys because i realized the worst that can happen really wasn't that bad. i hooked up with a random guy from USC. whatever his name was. we were all super drunk and thought he was hot. he kept biting the inside of my mouth. it was nasty. we looked at the pictures the next day and realized he was super ugly. now i can't live it down. darius smith died. it was really hard. i started becoming really close with 2 particular girls. the only time i will use names on here...bella and jill. i tried to start surfing. my dad got really excited. i realized it just wasn't me. yeah. madison swart a fucking surfer? that'd be a sight to see. the scariest thing in my life this month was suicide. not that i was considering it. but i started thinking of how bad people must be if they were thinking of suicide. oh! i thought i made a best friend. a certain blonde girl. it was really exciting. we called each other every morning to see what the plan for the day was then we talked all night about everything even though we were with each other for the majority of the day.

april: heh. for april fools i tricked everyone into thinking i fell in love with this boy i met in palm springs. that was funny. i got mad at the drama kids because no one liked my new best friend and made her feel unwelcomed. but then we got in a fight and our 3 week friendship was pretty much over. but it's ok because i liked jill, bella, and poophead way more. the wiz passed. i started a huge crush on a boy during this month. i've always been attracted to him but this month it was really strong. i was sad with closing night. i didn't want any of the seniors to leave. dancing to rejoice as we warmed up was my favorite thing. or licking bella's hand and the curtain. or licking jills hand as we bowed. i loved the wiz. i really did.

may: what the fuck happened in may? i don't even remember. oh yeah. my car got egged. fucking dicks.

june: drama banquet happened. i got drama president! JK. i didn't. i thought i'd be more upset considering how much i wanted to be drama president. i obviously cried when i didn't get it but it lasted one night and that was it. i still think i would have been a kick ass drama president. prom! i went with a boy who was in a relationship. it wasn't that bad...in the beginning. then he started ditching me. but that's ok. that's when i started to like michigan. (for those of you who saw my tweets everytime i said i was in michigan it was referring to the boy i was with. he plays sax. glasses. nerdy. adorable. remember him? rhymes with whorey.) where was i? oh yeah. the night of prom. i was determined to get that boy. i started writing a screenplay. did the drama scrapbook.

july: guy i was seeing hooked up with a justin bieber look alike. 4th of july happened and i got fucked up. i regret that day so much. i hung out with jill and ben a lot. i did a show with BCD. it was ok.

august: i went to church camp. once again it was the best thing ever. it was emotional because it was my last year as a camper. i had a weird connection with god i've never had before. i would write in my journal and he was respond word for word through other people. the two people i hung out with the most were the first to leave. the boy i was seeing just stopped talking to me for 2 straight weeks. i come back and he tells me he got scared and he couldn't do it. it was really disappointing because i really, really liked him.

september: school started. i went to the glee season 2 premiere and met a lot of cool people. the drama kick off party happened and i once again developed a huge crush on a boy with curly hair and glasses. i told everyone i just wanted to hook up with him and i was just attracted to him. i met a lot of cool freshmen and it was fun. had edibles and had the worst experience of my life. i've been traumatized ever since and now i refuse to do weed. i don't care if other people do it i'm just never doing it again as long as i live. i started becoming best friends with a blonde haired dork who is obsessed with weezer and a photographer who went to argentina. we bonded in la vista. i didn't get into the dining room.

november: i started to admit that i liked the boy with curly hair and had no problem telling people. i got excited every time we hung out and clung onto the little interactions that happened between us. i felt like such a girl. i started to enter a depression the friday before break. i was an absolute mess. i played in my first comedy sportz match of the year. but after i freaked out because of my grades and my mother. my best friend talked to me for about 2 hours in the parking lot of in-n-out all by himself. i went to newport with my old best friend joe. i hooked up with this random guy at the hotel. i wasn't upset when i was in newport. i came back and went to weezer with 3 silly boys. 2 of my good friends and the guy i liked. we found out we had tickets for the wrong night. we went back and were planning on going to drinksgiving. then i found out a certain dick hated me for no reason. that upset me. so i went home. earlier that day my mom told me that my dad said i'd be the cause of his heart attack. i got really upset by that comment. so after the concert didn't happen and after the dick was mean to me and after my dad revealed to me that he didn't say i'd be the cause of his heart attack, my mom would i was upset. my best friend came over and i completely broke down. we sat outside my house in the cold and talked for about 2 hours. i realized how good of a friend he actually was and started to trust him completely.

december: i found out the guy i've liked for a while was interested in dating my best friend. i was really glad she talked to me about it. that was mature of her. but then it just started getting messy. i was upset obviously. not because he didn't like me. but because she went for him anyways without giving me time to heal. i know i can't stop things like that but i had one request that she agreed to and she didn't do it. i'm still hurt. i don't know what's going to happen with that. i had thoughts of suicide. my birthday happened. nothing exciting happened. my friendships with my two best friends are weird and i'm paranoid. i don't know what's going to happen. break has happened and things are getting better and i'm finally becoming myself again. i'm taking a break from everyone and trying to hang out with new people. i need to breathe. i need to figure everything out. but i finally feel like everything will be ok. i'm upset with my friends and how people continue to treat me like shit.

over all this year has been weird. and different.

i can't trust any of my friends.

it's sad because the people who write the most hurtful stuff on my formspring are the people i consider my friends. and it's always about my friendships with other people.

have you ever thought that maybe the reason i don't have best friends is because it's so hard for me to give people that title? i finally opened up completely and it seems like i'm just getting screwed over.

i don't know what best friends mean i guess.

all i know is that there is only one person right now i can be my complete self around and i can go to for anything and now everyone is making me feel self concious and that i'm doing it wrong.

WHAT AM I DOING?

i'm taking risks this year and so far it sucks.

i wish i was a better friend.

i feel like it has a lot to do with me.


on the plus side i laugh every time i go on my blog because it says "what's the deal with my bra" and cuts off the word brain.

i am used to people just coming and going in my life.
i was sincerely hoping you wouldn't be one of them.

but now the odds are against us.

i am incapable of having a best friend and i always screw it up.

i'm trying.

i'm trying so hard.

i promise you i am. i'm not just saying it.

i wish i could just let go and make it simple...

but i can't.

this is so difficult for me.

i'm trying to pretend it's not but it definitely is.

it's not like this is just some silly crush. if it was then it'd be easier.

the fact of the matter is that i have liked him for SO long.

i care about him. a lot.

and i still like him. a lot.

i keep telling myself mentally to forget about it. that it's nothing. and i'll be fine for a bit.

then i see him and start talking to him and i just lose control of my mind.

i know it sounds sappy but it's true. and it's fucking annoying let me tell you that.

i've been hurting. a lot over this.

it isn't anyone's fault. not even in the least.

it'd be so easy to just be mad. say she's a bitch who is trying to hurt me.

but i can't do that because i know it's not true.

it would be easier to just be mad.

but i can't because i need her.

and him.

i need both of them.

i just don't know if i can do this.

my mom had a surgery yesterday. it wasn't a big surgery or anything but still.

a surgery is a surgery. a surgery leads to pain medication. pain medication leads to drug misuse. and drug misuse leads to rehab. it's been this same cycle for as long as i can remember.

my mom has a small unecessary surgery and she gets what she wants.

i hope this isn't the case.

but i'm not crazy for worrying about it.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy...