i'm really confused. about everything. certain events have taken place these past few days that have really forced me to become...cautious. before if anything happened to me that upset me or that i was confused about i would text people. usually one person. but now i've had to stop. and it's really weird. because i used to logic myself out and figure things out by talking to other people. but now i'm getting turned against it. it's really hard. to restrain myself from texting. from needing help. or asking for help. because i don't know who else to ask. or who else to talk to. who i could be hurting or affecting by talking about this crazy shit to.

i'm just a basket case.

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him.

i don't want to use this as an excuse...

i don't want to use this as an excuse but, i'm sorry if i haven't been acting like myself lately. i am not myself. at all. i wish i could be and i am desperately trying. but if i've been meaner or anything i just get annoyed about everything. and everyone. so i just want to say sorry now but just cut me some slack i guess.

i wish it was that easy to go back to being happy. it's just everything that used to make me happy just makes me annoyed. i don't like to take pictures anymore. or write. or sing. or dance. or film. or improv. or anything.

i used to get excited about the littlest things which is how i got through the day. but now i don't do that.

i remember this time last year crying so much for not getting into a senior scene. and now here i am directing a scene that is going to be amazing.
i don't think i've ever had so much confidence in something than i do about this scene.

i have been wanting to do this scene since freshman year. i've been wanting to sing the parts of diana since freshman year.

i really want to give people an opportunity. i feel like that's the key to this department. most of the people that make it in the drama world are people who have had opportunities. also it's probably because of talent. but i feel like there are those few people who make it into the show or comedy sportz who were sort of just randomly chosen or taken a chance of. and of course they end up doing well because they are gaining experience and practice.

the only thing i am excited for is senior scenes. aka I Love You Because.

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

you know how in "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" bromden talks about a fog that's in his mind?
that is exactly what i feel.
i can't explain anything.

i always just feel numb. and tired. even though i still sleep the same.
i am just not myself.

i don't know when the last time i've taken a picture that wasn't for la vista was.
i usually write a new song everyday. i haven't in a week. which i know doesn't sound like a big deal. but it is.
i don't like going on driving adventures anymore.
i don't like anything.

i'm excited for two specific people to come home. which is the only thing i can think about that's making me excited.

i'm really scared. i'm going to see a therapist on monday. i'll let you know what it's like.

i'm trying. but it's really hard. i need to get better. it's controlling and ruining my life.

my parents don't understand. whenever i bring it up they go "oh i thought that was gone." or "oh i thought it as over?" and "oh that's still happening?"