I only post on here when I have something on my mind that I desperately need sorted out.

I got a call from my sister yesterday about a conversation/argument her and my mom had. Somehow I was dragged into it when I desperately wished they would just leave me out of it. I answered the phone and the first thing that was said, "Are you insecure about your weight?" I frowned as I scratched my head. Where in the world was this coming from. "What? No..." Do I wish I were healthier and maybe a little more fit? Sure. Who doesn't? But I don't think I need to lose weight. "Oh that's funny because Mom said that you said that you're insecure about your weight and now Mom is crying because she said her two daughters are getting fat and are not happy with their bodies." As always I didn't know what to say because this was not a conversation I wanted to be having. "Um no...I don't know what she's talking about. I have never ever once said anything of the sort." Literally I have never said anything about my weight or body to my mother...See what I have to deal with? Random phone calls like these. "Mom also said that you said that you think I'm fat." WHAT? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? "I have never said that, Mckenzie. I don't think that. I don't understand why you're calling me..." Everyone always asks me why I never answer the phone...here is my justification. "I'm calling you because Mom is saying all these crazy things about you and I wanted to make sure you didn't think you were fat because you totally aren't. She also said that Madison isn't as tiny as she looks and that she has a belly."

Ah. So the truth finally came out. My mom was putting words in our mouths in order to justify what SHE was thinking about us. It's a horrible thing. For 18 years I was living in a household with people who were always quick to tell me exactly what I did wrong but that very rarely glorified me for what I did right. Everything I thought was wrong. Everything I liked was wrong. All the guys I was attracted to was wrong. I lived under a roof where I was constantly trying to be conformed to the Madison Swart that everybody wished I could be instead of the Madison Swart that I was.

And I still wonder why I rely so heavily upon the reassurance of others? Because I let myself become brainwashed by the people I figured knew me well...Instead of just trusting myself and standing up for who I was. Now here I am...separated from my family...but still not completely able to trust myself. I question every single decision. The only time I'm reassured is when I get that nod of approval from other people.

EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO STOP BEING SAD. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND THE CURE FOR SADNESS?

The bad in each other.

When you're standing on the edge of a cliff there are a few things that can happen.

1. You jump.

2. You fall.

3. You're pushed.

4. The ground you are standing on crumbles.

Right now I'm on the edge of a cliff and the very foundations that I've been securely fastened upon for the last 19 years are crumbling. I am forced to fall into the unknown and all I can do is brace myself for what's at the bottom. Now let's be real, there is still a tiny bit left of me that is an optimist. I pray to god that part won't disappear. Most cliffs in reality end with a very abrupt end and let's be blunt: death. My cliff ends in the next stage of my life, for falling is just the scary transition.

I've come to the conclusion that divorce brings out the selfishness in everyone involved. Fuck, I must be a selfish bitch for sitting in this room blogging and watching the Golden Globes while my mom is crying on the couch in the other room to her friend. I'm the selfish child who moved away from her family. Who has it easy because she distanced herself and barely keeps in contact. But sometimes selfishness is the only coping mechanism that is left. I've been selfless for too long and now I need to heal.

Sadness is too easy of an emotion to feel and it's too difficult of an emotion to rid.

Happiness is a illusion.

Happiness is just an illusion, a mask that can temporary blur the reality and truth.

Say Satre's theory "Existence precedes Essence" was completely valid...where would that leave homosexuality? One of the biggest arguments with homosexuality today is whether or not you are born gay.

Existence precedes Essence states that when you are born you are born with no essence. Your essence is something that you come to identify through existence. All the knowledge you have comes from things that you have only directly experienced. So homosexuality would then be clumped with essence...therefore homosexuality is something you learn over your years of living.

I don't think this is true but every time there is a discussion with Satre I can't help but think about homosexuality.

Home is where the heart is?

Having two homes is very unsettling. Whenever I'm home in Manhattan Beach, I want to be in Chicago. Whenever I'm home in Chicago, I want to be in Manhattan Beach. They say that home is where the heart is so why is it that my heart always seems to be wherever I'm not?

My dad says that this will never go away and he should know...He's the man that's been away from his home since the age of 19. I guess I'm the same age but at least I'm on the same continent as my family.

I've seemed to really discover myself in Chicago which is great. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm going to lose it when I go back home. Here, I surround myself with people who only think highly of me and believe me in me and just flat out love everything about me. If anyone makes me feel bad I just don't hang out with them...Simple as that. At home it's more difficult than that. The people that make me feel bad are right in my very own family.

Honestly...I'm afraid to go home. I'm losing my support system for a few months and I don't know if I'm ready to handle everything on my own.

Of course I am writing all of this while spending my last bittersweet Monday as a freshman packing up all of my stuff. It's only understandable that my current emotional state is sad and reminiscent.

I find writing in this blog very therapeutic. Whenever I'm feeling a strong emotion it helps me to discover why I'm feeling that specific emotion. It's also just nice to vent freely and to not have to censor anything.

Story Idea: A homeless man who lost touch with his family 7 years ago ends up running into his niece (or granddaughter) when she comes with her youth group to feed the homeless. She tells him their new address and gives him a little money for transportation. He shows up at their house for dinner.

I need a personal hard drive.

I am absolutely terrified of death. What scares me the most has nothing to do with the physical pain. It's the fact that our minds completely shut down instantly when we die. All of those memories, all of that knowledge, all of that hard work will in the end amount to nothing.

I wish I could hire Apple to create a personal hardrive just for my brain. That way when I die I will have everything in my brain backed up for someone else's benefit or just for resources (Let's be serious I would never curse somebody with my mind. That'd be cruel.)

I would like to believe in a heaven. After all there is nothing wrong with harmless belief. But now that I have been losing touch with my religion it's hard to find the reassurance in a heaven. Even if there is a heaven, I don't believe that our personal selves make it up there. Maybe our spirits do. But how is that reassuring? People make the mistake of grouping our personalities and our spirits together. Sure we may have individual spirits, but they don't have any resemblance to our human selves. They are our essences. Our core. So even if my spirit lives on Madison Swart will not. Madison Swart is apart of my spirit. My spirit is not apart of Madison Swart.

The only way I will ever be at peace with death is if I die feeling like I made a difference. Enough of a difference to be remembered. The only way we live on after we die is through our impacts on other people. Though it's not enough for me to just impact those close to me because after all they will eventually die as well.

No. I need to create something meaningful. I am a very selfish person. The only way I find happiness is by making other people happy.

Story Idea: Comedy. A man dies and finally gets to meet his spirit. His spirit is completely disappointed in what this man has amounted to.The spirit then shows this man who else he has been a spirit to in the past. A wide range of successful and different things. Perhaps a king, a philosopher, a lion, Martin Luther King Jr. etc

Questions to think about: How will it end? Do the spirit and the man part ways?

I am going to start creating story ideas from the big things that are floating around in my mind. That way, instead of useless babble, it might turn into something.