next to normal...but still abnormal.

the other night i walked into my dad's office and he was listening to a song from next to normal. He was crying and writing in his journal. i didn't interrupt him and the music was so loud that he didn't notice me. the last time i had listened to next to normal was when i saw it in new york with my dad and my sister. after that show he was in a weird mood. and he kept repeating how close to home this show was.

so today i finally loaded the cd onto my computer and my phone and just listened.

this totally resembles my family's life. of course, it's not exactly the same and a bit more exaggerated but look at this.

after me and my sister were born and growing up my parents decided they wanted another kid. the first time they tried i was about 6 or 7 i believe. it worked. she got pregnant. but then she had a miscarriage. i remember her being really sad but not understanding the situation. everything was weird for a little while. we got hyped up and then...nothing. so they tried again. i don't know how old i was. probably 8. i'm not sure how big the gap was but that's not the point. so she got pregnant again and everyone was happy again after being a little cautious at first. then she had another miscarriage. fortunately, the third try was a success and gave way to my brother, max.

but i've never thought about how emotional it really is to lose a baby. not mention once, but twice. even if it was a miscarriage. when i was younger and i first heard about the miscarriages i was just like "oh no big deal! we can just have another one."

my mom started her addiction after my brother was born and that was when she started to lose her sanity. i just now made the connection that the emotional distraught from the miscarriages could have something to do with it.

i'm now curious as to what went through her mind when max was born. what about the other 2? what if i fail with this one? i mean. i wonder if she ever thinks about it now.

i don't know anything about miscarriages. whether they are common or not. whether they can affect someone's life forever or not. this is just me trying to tie connections together.

another crazy thought. i am a christian so this is my christian way of thinking right now: i wonder if i have two other brothers or sisters up there in heaven? are they still considered swarts?

it's all crazy.