Sunday, November 28, 2010

this has been a really hard week. i've been having to face a part of the past i never thought I'D bring back up again. i thought it'd all be her. for the past 6 years i have never really looked at the way my mom's drug addiction affected me. i knew it was sad. and i knew it was hard. but i never analyzed how it specifically affected me and i've been figuring that out since last week and it's the scariest thing. i've been uncovering new things in my mind and about myself i wish i didn't have to figure out.

i had a bad grade on my report card. my mom made me write a letter to her explaining why i get bad grades. as if it's some fucking easy answer. when i wrote this i just imagined i was writing on this blog. i literally just started typing. she wrote the first few sentences. i had to fill in the rest.

I know my parents are watching me and i've made numerous promises that i would start taking action to get my grades to at least a C. my parents are not being unreasonable. and the reason i don't do it is because i've experienced so much in my life already at age 17. i've had to facce mature situations that made me realize there is life outside of high school. i have lost control over this mindset. it's not that i don't believe high school isn't important. i don't really know what i think anymore. i should be worried. i know that i should and i can't explain to you why i am not. sure, i'm scared about how i'm going to get to where i'm supposed to be. but i'm not afraid of whether or not i'm going to do good in life or not. you are probably going to hold everything i say in this essay against me but that seems to be the only logical reason. you have put me through things that whether or not i want to admit it have changed me and made me into the person i am today. and by that i mean your whole incident. your incident has had a lot of emotional and negative effects on me. but because of it i am now a more mature person and i see the world differently. which i wouldn't change because i am happy with who i am. the worst of my life is not going to happen because of high school. i know you're going to read this and shake your head saying "it doesn't matter. high school is a huge stepping stone to get you to your life." i know that. i do. which is why i am confused. i don't know why. you constantly say and even if you don't mean it that i affect your addiction and sometimes i make you want to relapse. well, just as i affect you in a way you can't control you affect me in a way i can't control. it's not your fault. your decisions have only made me into the person i am today. ultimately they are my decisions. i'm not making excuses. despite how it may come off. it is my responsibility and if i'm going to be an adult i need to start acting like one and taking my life into my own hands. which means handling my responsibilities, which is only school at this time.

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