gelukkige nuwejaar

January: the night started off with upsetting negatives and lifelong positives. our "relationship" was hitting a rocky point. you lied to me. which was super annoying. this night i made 2 really important friends. one of them is now one of my best friends. the other is a friend i really value. both were impacting friendships. i started project 365. i auditioned for the wiz. i had a callback and actually felt like i deserved that callback. i was debating ending things with you. you convinced me to stay because you said you needed me. you said i wouldn't regret it this time. toward the end of the month we ended things. you had sex with another girl a couple nights after. sounds like another familiar story i was apart of...even though i thought the end of us was mutual i ended up wanting to get back together with you. when you left i started to think about my past relationship. but i then realized it wasn't you i missed. it was having someone. that person to always text good morning and good night to. or texting exciting things that happened in your day. always having a new message in your phone. it was upsetting seeing nothing...so i got a twitter. that problem was solved and i stopped thinking about you. sorry. i drank for the first time in my life at the end of this month. in fucking topanga. what the fuck? who goes to fucking topanga?

february: i was best friends with jordan for a while. i really loved his friendship. went back to south africa again. this time it was different. when i went during the summer i was in a relationship and didn't want to leave you. but now i had nothing to lose. i didn't care about what i was leaving behind. i forgot about everything and just took every little moment in. i was careless. i was put into dangerous situations but it was thrilling. i had a major crush on a guy who plays the cello. i was hoping i'd come back and we'd become an item. i found out very shocking news about one of my good friend's boyfriend. i found out how much of a scumbag he was. i was with a naive little freshman girl who was getting texts from this hotshot senior boy. the problem was this hotshot senior boy was dating my friend. it was a weird situation. he was texting her things that she was getting excited about. he said he's liked her for a while and doesn't even like the girl he is dating. he wants to break up with her and date this little freshman girl. she was smiling like a little lovesick puppy. i was caught in the middle. i wanted to be excited with her. it was raining for gods sake and she was dancing! she was so happy. honestly, i probably cracked more than a few smiles and more than a few dance moves with her. but my mind kept going back to girl who didn't deserve the hurt that was coming her way. i didn't know what to do. i tried to tell people, but no one listened to me. no one believed me. why would they? everyone thought he was god. everyone thought they had such a cute relationship how dare I try to end that. i was super close with this little freshman girl and i was sick of her. she was hurting me and being stupid with this whole boy situation. she wouldn't listen to me and i didn't want to put up with it anymore.

march: the show was kicking into gear and we all decided our chereographer sucked. i also got rejected for the first time. it wasn't that bad. it gave me confidence with guys because i realized the worst that can happen really wasn't that bad. i hooked up with a random guy from USC. whatever his name was. we were all super drunk and thought he was hot. he kept biting the inside of my mouth. it was nasty. we looked at the pictures the next day and realized he was super ugly. now i can't live it down. darius smith died. it was really hard. i started becoming really close with 2 particular girls. the only time i will use names on here...bella and jill. i tried to start surfing. my dad got really excited. i realized it just wasn't me. yeah. madison swart a fucking surfer? that'd be a sight to see. the scariest thing in my life this month was suicide. not that i was considering it. but i started thinking of how bad people must be if they were thinking of suicide. oh! i thought i made a best friend. a certain blonde girl. it was really exciting. we called each other every morning to see what the plan for the day was then we talked all night about everything even though we were with each other for the majority of the day.

april: heh. for april fools i tricked everyone into thinking i fell in love with this boy i met in palm springs. that was funny. i got mad at the drama kids because no one liked my new best friend and made her feel unwelcomed. but then we got in a fight and our 3 week friendship was pretty much over. but it's ok because i liked jill, bella, and poophead way more. the wiz passed. i started a huge crush on a boy during this month. i've always been attracted to him but this month it was really strong. i was sad with closing night. i didn't want any of the seniors to leave. dancing to rejoice as we warmed up was my favorite thing. or licking bella's hand and the curtain. or licking jills hand as we bowed. i loved the wiz. i really did.

may: what the fuck happened in may? i don't even remember. oh yeah. my car got egged. fucking dicks.

june: drama banquet happened. i got drama president! JK. i didn't. i thought i'd be more upset considering how much i wanted to be drama president. i obviously cried when i didn't get it but it lasted one night and that was it. i still think i would have been a kick ass drama president. prom! i went with a boy who was in a relationship. it wasn't that bad...in the beginning. then he started ditching me. but that's ok. that's when i started to like michigan. (for those of you who saw my tweets everytime i said i was in michigan it was referring to the boy i was with. he plays sax. glasses. nerdy. adorable. remember him? rhymes with whorey.) where was i? oh yeah. the night of prom. i was determined to get that boy. i started writing a screenplay. did the drama scrapbook.

july: guy i was seeing hooked up with a justin bieber look alike. 4th of july happened and i got fucked up. i regret that day so much. i hung out with jill and ben a lot. i did a show with BCD. it was ok.

august: i went to church camp. once again it was the best thing ever. it was emotional because it was my last year as a camper. i had a weird connection with god i've never had before. i would write in my journal and he was respond word for word through other people. the two people i hung out with the most were the first to leave. the boy i was seeing just stopped talking to me for 2 straight weeks. i come back and he tells me he got scared and he couldn't do it. it was really disappointing because i really, really liked him.

september: school started. i went to the glee season 2 premiere and met a lot of cool people. the drama kick off party happened and i once again developed a huge crush on a boy with curly hair and glasses. i told everyone i just wanted to hook up with him and i was just attracted to him. i met a lot of cool freshmen and it was fun. had edibles and had the worst experience of my life. i've been traumatized ever since and now i refuse to do weed. i don't care if other people do it i'm just never doing it again as long as i live. i started becoming best friends with a blonde haired dork who is obsessed with weezer and a photographer who went to argentina. we bonded in la vista. i didn't get into the dining room.

november: i started to admit that i liked the boy with curly hair and had no problem telling people. i got excited every time we hung out and clung onto the little interactions that happened between us. i felt like such a girl. i started to enter a depression the friday before break. i was an absolute mess. i played in my first comedy sportz match of the year. but after i freaked out because of my grades and my mother. my best friend talked to me for about 2 hours in the parking lot of in-n-out all by himself. i went to newport with my old best friend joe. i hooked up with this random guy at the hotel. i wasn't upset when i was in newport. i came back and went to weezer with 3 silly boys. 2 of my good friends and the guy i liked. we found out we had tickets for the wrong night. we went back and were planning on going to drinksgiving. then i found out a certain dick hated me for no reason. that upset me. so i went home. earlier that day my mom told me that my dad said i'd be the cause of his heart attack. i got really upset by that comment. so after the concert didn't happen and after the dick was mean to me and after my dad revealed to me that he didn't say i'd be the cause of his heart attack, my mom would i was upset. my best friend came over and i completely broke down. we sat outside my house in the cold and talked for about 2 hours. i realized how good of a friend he actually was and started to trust him completely.

december: i found out the guy i've liked for a while was interested in dating my best friend. i was really glad she talked to me about it. that was mature of her. but then it just started getting messy. i was upset obviously. not because he didn't like me. but because she went for him anyways without giving me time to heal. i know i can't stop things like that but i had one request that she agreed to and she didn't do it. i'm still hurt. i don't know what's going to happen with that. i had thoughts of suicide. my birthday happened. nothing exciting happened. my friendships with my two best friends are weird and i'm paranoid. i don't know what's going to happen. break has happened and things are getting better and i'm finally becoming myself again. i'm taking a break from everyone and trying to hang out with new people. i need to breathe. i need to figure everything out. but i finally feel like everything will be ok. i'm upset with my friends and how people continue to treat me like shit.

over all this year has been weird. and different.

i can't trust any of my friends.

it's sad because the people who write the most hurtful stuff on my formspring are the people i consider my friends. and it's always about my friendships with other people.

have you ever thought that maybe the reason i don't have best friends is because it's so hard for me to give people that title? i finally opened up completely and it seems like i'm just getting screwed over.

i don't know what best friends mean i guess.

all i know is that there is only one person right now i can be my complete self around and i can go to for anything and now everyone is making me feel self concious and that i'm doing it wrong.

WHAT AM I DOING?

i'm taking risks this year and so far it sucks.

i wish i was a better friend.

i feel like it has a lot to do with me.


on the plus side i laugh every time i go on my blog because it says "what's the deal with my bra" and cuts off the word brain.

i am used to people just coming and going in my life.
i was sincerely hoping you wouldn't be one of them.

but now the odds are against us.

i am incapable of having a best friend and i always screw it up.

i'm trying.

i'm trying so hard.

i promise you i am. i'm not just saying it.

i wish i could just let go and make it simple...

but i can't.

this is so difficult for me.

i'm trying to pretend it's not but it definitely is.

it's not like this is just some silly crush. if it was then it'd be easier.

the fact of the matter is that i have liked him for SO long.

i care about him. a lot.

and i still like him. a lot.

i keep telling myself mentally to forget about it. that it's nothing. and i'll be fine for a bit.

then i see him and start talking to him and i just lose control of my mind.

i know it sounds sappy but it's true. and it's fucking annoying let me tell you that.

i've been hurting. a lot over this.

it isn't anyone's fault. not even in the least.

it'd be so easy to just be mad. say she's a bitch who is trying to hurt me.

but i can't do that because i know it's not true.

it would be easier to just be mad.

but i can't because i need her.

and him.

i need both of them.

i just don't know if i can do this.

my mom had a surgery yesterday. it wasn't a big surgery or anything but still.

a surgery is a surgery. a surgery leads to pain medication. pain medication leads to drug misuse. and drug misuse leads to rehab. it's been this same cycle for as long as i can remember.

my mom has a small unecessary surgery and she gets what she wants.

i hope this isn't the case.

but i'm not crazy for worrying about it.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy.

i'm not crazy...

this has been a really hard week. i've been having to face a part of the past i never thought I'D bring back up again. i thought it'd all be her. for the past 6 years i have never really looked at the way my mom's drug addiction affected me. i knew it was sad. and i knew it was hard. but i never analyzed how it specifically affected me and i've been figuring that out since last week and it's the scariest thing. i've been uncovering new things in my mind and about myself i wish i didn't have to figure out.

i had a bad grade on my report card. my mom made me write a letter to her explaining why i get bad grades. as if it's some fucking easy answer. when i wrote this i just imagined i was writing on this blog. i literally just started typing. she wrote the first few sentences. i had to fill in the rest.

I know my parents are watching me and i've made numerous promises that i would start taking action to get my grades to at least a C. my parents are not being unreasonable. and the reason i don't do it is because i've experienced so much in my life already at age 17. i've had to facce mature situations that made me realize there is life outside of high school. i have lost control over this mindset. it's not that i don't believe high school isn't important. i don't really know what i think anymore. i should be worried. i know that i should and i can't explain to you why i am not. sure, i'm scared about how i'm going to get to where i'm supposed to be. but i'm not afraid of whether or not i'm going to do good in life or not. you are probably going to hold everything i say in this essay against me but that seems to be the only logical reason. you have put me through things that whether or not i want to admit it have changed me and made me into the person i am today. and by that i mean your whole incident. your incident has had a lot of emotional and negative effects on me. but because of it i am now a more mature person and i see the world differently. which i wouldn't change because i am happy with who i am. the worst of my life is not going to happen because of high school. i know you're going to read this and shake your head saying "it doesn't matter. high school is a huge stepping stone to get you to your life." i know that. i do. which is why i am confused. i don't know why. you constantly say and even if you don't mean it that i affect your addiction and sometimes i make you want to relapse. well, just as i affect you in a way you can't control you affect me in a way i can't control. it's not your fault. your decisions have only made me into the person i am today. ultimately they are my decisions. i'm not making excuses. despite how it may come off. it is my responsibility and if i'm going to be an adult i need to start acting like one and taking my life into my own hands. which means handling my responsibilities, which is only school at this time.

i've got the magic in me.

secrets, secrets are no fun secrets are for everyone.

just for the record.

secrets aren't for everyone.

i had one of THOSE weeks.
i went through disappointment after disappointment after disappointment.
which made me realize, i'm a disappointment.
now i don't mean that in a depressive, slit the wrists, commit suicide way.
more of the kind of way where i regret how i spent my time.
but the weird thing is if i had the chance to do it over i most likely wouldn't change a thing... because...that's just who i am.

i'm a disappointment to my parents. i spent my 4 years instead of focusing on my academics trying to figure out myself through my art. but nobody really cares about that stuff.

it's weird. i wasn't upset i didn't get into the show. not at all. but then when my parents asked about it and found out the answer they starting freaking out making it a big deal and how i deserved to be in that show.

...if i deserved to be in that show wouldn't i be in it now?

i'm a realistic person. and i'm a honest person. which helps me get through a lot. maybe that's what maturity is? i'm able to admit when i am wrong and when i don't deserve things. granted, honestly, i should be in the show. but i don't DESERVE it.

i'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason. i always have. i don't believe in a fate kind of magical way but more of if something happens that you don't want, it's your job instead of sulking around crying about it, to figure out what you can do with that time instead.

for example: i didn't make drama president. which is totally cool. but i'm an over analyzer and maybe this is just how i deal with my feelings. so since i didn't make drama president i had the thought in my head that maybe i'm meant to do something with glee club. now it could just be my optimism or my crazy imagination that is leading me astray from reality but that's ok because honestly...that's who i am.

so i just reread what i wrote. (i jump around a lot in my blogs. get used to it and hopefully you can keep up.) i'm making my parents sound like bad guys. they have been proud of me before. they love my art and have supported me through much of it. but the problem with this world is we all care too much about what other people think.

college is a big deal because we all make it a big deal. yes. it's important. very, very important. i'm not denying it. but i thought college was supposed to be that learning experience where you learn everything about the occupation you want to pursue? it just sucks that in order to even begin to get there you must fit the "quota" or the requirements.

but not everything is about grades. it's not like i've spent the past 4 years sitting on the couch playing video games day after day. or going to parties every night. i've spent it doing the things i'm passionate about and the things i love. i'm just afraid that isn't enough. but why?

mr. mccormick showed my music theory class a video about how they think the future is to be determined by the artists. that they will be the main contributors for what is to come. working with scientists, inventors, matheticians(i know that's not a word just go along with it) doctors, explorers. i think that's exciting. ever since time has begun artists have been the outcasts that society secretly admires.

my biggest problem is finding a balance between what i want to do and what i have to do. i get that. i should have done better in school because in life i will be facing situations in which i don't want to endure.

i'm not oblivious. i'm not stupid.

ugh. such a rant, eh?

let's call it a night and bet i'll be over it by tomorrow.

scariest night of my life.

saturday night...by far the scariest night of my life. no exaggeration.

i slept over at michael's apartment because me, him, and aiden were going to see ellen degneres the next day.

basically never having weed ever, ever, ever, ever again. and i mean it.

i had an edible. basically weed in chocolate.

when i first started to feel it i remember being really annoyed with one of michael's friends from school who came to drop something off and wouldn't leave. and then my body started to freak out and i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to say anything because i wasn't comfortable with the girl in there and was really frustrated. i wanted to start crying.

then. i don't know what happened next. i wasn't in reality. i was trapped into this crazy town that was developed from my own mind and i found myself unable to get out of it. there were these 4 "images" like abstract shit that made no sense that i kept revolving around. those were the only things that existed. you know that spongebob episode where squidward is in a white place and only words exist? i lost all my memory. i didn't know humans existed.

i guess the girl i was so annoyed with pointed me out "hey...what's going on with your friend?" i also guess michael immediately ran over to me. you know when you're trapped in a horrible dream and you just close your eyes in your dream and it goes away? well everytime i closed my eyes i was in that universe. so eventually i started to open my eyes and it was michael's face. though i had no idea who he was. he was surrounded by all this creepy shit.

i found it easier to start yelling out things i remember. i yelled eric's name a lot. getting lunch with eric. la vista with kendall. music theory with jason. i started yelling ice cream anything. but it didn't help much.

michael and aiden were probably freaking out as well. i was screaming and grabbing onto michael telling him not to leave me even though i was out of it.


i am still recovering. it's emotionally traumatic and i've been freaking myself out lately. i can't be alone for too long these past few days or the memories come back. but it's the memories i saw in my mind, so it just sucks. physical contact with other people has been reassuring me.

i'm still having to jot my memory. i remember things. it just takes me a little bit longer to remember rather than the second it usually took me.

but now for the funny things i said (which weren't funny at the time.)

i guess i was throwing up so michael took me to the bathroom and i looked at myself in the mirror and said, "ew. i look like lindsay lohan. my hair is greasy."

i guess i was also saying through out the night "are you videotaping me? is this going on youtube? this would be a good youtube video."

i guess i looked at michael's friend and said, "who the fuck is she?" then after i said, "she's ugly."
(one of the images i still see is a cartoon/creepy pop art picture of the girl. everytime i think about her i get that freak out image.



scariest night of my life. i am not really myself yet. so like. if you're reading this and you see me at any point in the day...give me a hug. i'm serious. it reassures me so much. i calm down.

Glee...and Drama.

I am really good and reading people...celebrities included.

"You are an old soul." These words were said to me with heart and meaning after I revealed my real age.

Before those words were spoken I was talking to one of the new characters on glee, telling her how good she was. She started asking ME if I really thought so. I told her come next week she will be a big star. I asked her if any fans have come up to her and she said she hadn't experienced that yet. She thanked me. It was as if I was the first person to promise her that this was a big deal. That this was just the start.

Even celebrities aren't sure of themselves...

This is going to sound absolutely cliche but well sometimes forget how celebrities just ARE normal human beings. For example:

John Stamos was at the party. Kevin Mchale/Aartie (aka wheelchair boy) was walking with some friends when he spotted John Stamos. He literally jumped over a baby hedge and with his skinny, lanky legs he ran over to John to shake his hand. Celebrities get star struck over other celebrities. In fact, I am willing to bet that Kevin grew up watching full house almost every night while eating mac and cheese.

But of course, not all celebrities fit in.

There are two new teenage characters who will be on Glee. Since they are new, this was their first red carpet event for glee. Which means they aren't yet publicized. The whole glee family from season 1 (all the kids in new directions) were a tight pack, hanging out with each other. Guess which ones were with their families most of the time or each other? The new kids. You have to work your way up everywhere you go. Just like Mira Costa's drama department, Just like High School, just like sports, Hell even just like hit tv shows. Just because you're on the show doesn't mean you're in. It doesn't seem like everyone has welcoming arms, just like we all fail to do sometimes. Hey. We're all normal.

Of course, there are the ones that are exclusive. My dad and I wanted to meet Chris Colfer (The gay one.) He was over in the closed section the WHOLE night. We went over to the security guard and he said Chris didn't want to be bothered. REALLY? You're at a party supporting the show that made you famous! There were NO crazy fans there. At all. Only fox workers or crew. Just shows that you need to venture out of your group. Recognize the crew. The producers. The directors WHATEVER. Basically, what he should have realized that night was that he was surrounded by many men and women in suits who without them Fox itself wouldn't even exist. He could have been in a bad mood. I get that. Just an off night. I still love him and will still follow him on twitter.

Then, there is the popular girl who has no time and is always running around. Lea Michele. The whole time she was being pulled around by her security and publicity. I didn't see her sitting down once. In fact, I honestly doubt she had fun at all the whole night. Which really sucks. She does seem to have it all. Famous broadway star AND a hollywood star.

There are also the people who aren't as interesting as they look. This is just my personal opinion but I honestly didn't find Cory Montieth, Puck, or Diane very interesting. Which was sort of disappointing.

Granted, they probably are EXHAUSTED. The kids on the tv show work 16 hours each day and they had a call time at 6:30 this morning.

Then there are the people who surprise you. Jane Lynch. NOTHING like her character at all. Probably the nicest person I have met the whole night. As well as Dot Jones (New coach). Funny, it's the screaming, masculine ones on the show that are the most fun. They were always cracking jokes just really having fun and enjoying everything.

The reason I am writing this is just to point out how similar, not only the mira costa drama department is to the glee cast, but the world, high school, humans.


Those kids are the only people I can confidently say all have talent and all deserve to be on the show. Every single one of them. Except the stupid asian girl. Maybe I'm biased because she's "dating" Kevin Mchale in real life.

They've all worked hard. For the most part none of them were complete divas (like Miley Cyrus. Shoot me in the head what a bitch.) Some of them were probably tired. Or unhappy with the pilot.

I was sitting right in front one of the new teenage boys (cutie. New glee boy.) and I turned around to get up and saw his friend pat him on the leg and asked him something along the lines of "How was it?" He shrugged and smiled grimly. You could tell her wasn't happy with it. Maybe they cut one of his scenes.

We'll never know.

it's just hard to believe.

i've realized the only time i blog is when i am upset, or if i am infatuated with a new boy.

at this very moment i am neither of those. i am extremely happy these days. which is a good thing.
it's hard to believe that just last year everything was so terribly wrong.

to recap:

we came back from south africa.
my mom relapsed.
she went back to rehab for a month.
i got broken up with.
my parents were sure they were going to get a divorce.
my grandfather was very sick.

nothing was normal. at all. my life was insane and everything horrible was happening all at once.

now, my parents are fine.
the only things that have been wrong these days are discussions about college and my future but those are pretty normal.

it's weird to be experiencing "normal" troubles. i mean, i know it's different at the same time, but at this time of the year all parents and kids bite each others heads off about college.

i mean. i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS afraid my mom is going to go back again. i am terrified to take pills. even when i'm sick i try and suck it up. which is why i hate that i've been having to take tylenol every night since tuesday.

her migraines are back. which have been gone for 9 years. i just hope she doesn't use them as an excuse, you know?

sorry. everything just seems too good to be true right now.

i hope this is my year.

i really need a good year.


yay for being happy!

creativity.

i know i am constantly changing the blog title and the theme of my blog but that's just because my mind is always changing and new ideas are constantly flowing more and more.

this is probably my favorite thus far i might add. not necessarily the layout but the picture and the title.

we, as humans, constantly let outside forces affect the kind of person we are. it's not our fault, it's human nature. whether it's the latest fashion, the hit new music, hot celebrities, the world that surrounds us, or even the people we have grown so close to.

but what i have come to realize (in music theory...only the first few days. it's the only class i have learned something in.) is that we should try and focus on letting those outside forces not effect the kind of person we are but the creativity that's stored up there in our minds.

every single person is creative and imaginative. for some it's just easier to get in touch with.

eh.



i'm tired.




maybe i'll write more about this tomorrow. i started off knowing what i was saying and now. i have no idea.

i should at least have a conclusion.

basically, what i mean by we create ourselves is that we can't blame the outside forces for the kind of person we are. while they may influence us, it is ultimately us who are responsible.

A whole other world.

I decided to do something crazy. Something weird and extremely nerdy these past couple of months. Not to mention secretly. I was surprised at how I didn't tell anybody about this since I have such a blabber mouth.

I don't remember where I heard this from but I heard it a long time ago. People roleplaying on myspace. I was confused because when I heard of roleplaying before it was LARPING or video games but never imagined it'd be on myspace. People imitate characters and interact with characters from the same storyline/book/movies.

I thought it was interesting in a way because being an actor you become a character all the time. I also love to write. But I never thought about it again.

...Until a couple of months ago I was watching Harry Potter and I thought to myself "How cool would it be to attend Hogwarts?". I then remembered the whole silly idea of "myspace" roleplaying. So one boring afternoon I decided to scope it out. But before doing so I made goals for myself about what I wanted to get out of this experience.

1. I want to expand my horizons as a writer and I want to strengthen my ability to enter a character's mind and actions. That way when I write my stupid stories that I love so much I don't miss any aspect of a character so readers will really be able to relate with my characters when I write.
2. Relationships with other "writers". When it comes to acting and writing the majority of the actions and emotions play off of other actors/characters. I wanted to really be able to react fully to what the other person was saying.

I know this sounds completely nerdy. I am expecting people to make fun of me for it but I really don't care. Not really anyways.

On with the story.

So I decided to create a "Ginny Weasley" myspace account. God knows I am not intelligent enough to be Hermione so Ginny will have to do.

First thing I realized. There is A LOT of judging.

With the kind of profile you have. It has to look a certain way otherwise none of the literate writers will give you the time of day. I am horrible with HTML so I eventually made a friend who made a legit layout for me.

Other judging: What type of "roleplaying" you do.
Oneliners: You only write one liners. Which is pretty self explanatory. Not interesting at all. People hate roleplayers that do oneliners. Those are usually the ones who can't spell either.
Para: This is just a paragraph.
Multi-Para: Up to about 4-5 paragraphs
Novella: Which is 6 and beyond.

I decided I wanted to do Multi-Para/Novella.

So I had to search myspace friends for "my family" and I realized just how popular myspace roleplaying was. There about 1,000 pages for each character.


Edit: To be continued I guess.

the two seniors i hang out with the most are the first two people to leave.

i think i'm finally ready for a solid relationship.

it's about time.




i just need to keep trust in mind. that's what always gets me.


p.s. yeah...you aren't my type. not in a mean way. it just won't work out.

I knew I'd blog about this. [Cheers to the big guy up there.]

So. I'm not the most spiritual person in the world. I'm not that great of a Christian because I have so many doubts about the religion I follow. I don't believe some of the bible. (ask me about this in person if you want me to go into greater detail.)

But this week did help me with one thing, which is the most important thing I think.

On Sunday as I was driving up to camp I decided I wanted to get a journal where I could log each day about my current relationship with God. I envisioned myself every morning while at camp waking up and laying out on the lawn while looking at the lake. Which is what I did. I went into the store and found a journal that was titled, "Come with me by yourselves to some quiet place and rest". It reassured me that this was supposed to happen. It was weird. Almost everything I wrote in that journal (problems, doubts, etc.) was addressed in Chapel word for word. I started freaking out and would enthusiastically point to whoever was sitting next to me "Dude! Look! What he/she just said I wrote in my journal a couple of hours ago!"

For those of you who are reading this and who are curious I am going to write what I wrote in my journal this week. By the way...It went from analyzing our relationship to me just telling God random stuff about my day. You'll see what I mean.

Actually. I typed out everything I wrote in my journal realizing that I was doing exactly what I was trying to prevent myself from doing. I was writing it out because I myself wanted attention. Not because I cared about our relationship.

This week has made my relationship with God stronger. It's more of a friendship. I feel like I am able to write to him about anything. I spent most of my pages writing about ducks.

Don't start thinking that Christian camp has changed me. I'm still going to drink. I still don't believe things but for now my relationship with the big guy up there is solid and honestly that's all i need right now.

If you really want to see my journal ask me! It's pretty cool seeing how creepy it is that they addressed things I wrote in there word for word.

On one page I literally wrote, "Just help me out. What if that was the secret all along? Just to ask you?" I wrote this in Chapel because we all know I don't pay attention when Pastors talk for long. But then 15 minutes later Megan Fate addressed EVERYTHING I asked for help with.

Not gonna lie...It's pretty fucking cool.

life is better on the other side of the lens.

i miss it. i feel like i haven't been doing it as much as i wish i could. honestly. i have no reason. i've been busy. i'm going to start up project 365 again soon. once i know i can commit. i wish i could have done that summer photoshoots thing. i've just been...busy. busy. busy.

but now i can do it. i'm going to. it's what i love. i think i'll take classes soon. just so i can take a step closer.

i don't know what i'm doing.

I NEED TIME TO BREATHE!

ahhhhh.

whatever. once it's sunday. i'll be at camp. it'll be the best.

and then i get back.

NOTHING planned.

and then i leave for hawaii.


NOTHING planned.

WHY DO BOYS LIKE ME?

why am i suddenly getting attention from boys?




it's weird.



let's see how next week goes.

you know what i realized while watching ramona and beezus?
besides the fact that almost everybody in that movie has weird names. romana. beezus. hogart. howie. icky picky.

but that when you have to endure something frightening. or hard. or difficult. those family things, you know what i'm saying.
as the older sibling. your scared. but then you look down at your younger sibling. and are reassured by the fact that you aren't the only one scared and that your little sibling is possibly more scared than you.
and as a younger sibling you have the protection and understanding from your older sibling.

that's why family is so important. it's a cycle. we're supposed to keep each other sane by being insane.

i don't want to make false accusations!

this is weird.
it's not normal.
maybe i'm paranoid.
i hate not being able to figure it out.

it could be happening again.
just like last time.
right in front of my face!
i'm old enough to be able to tell that this isn't right.
SHE isn't right.

but then again...i don't want to make false accusations.

hell. what the FUCK do i know?

i'm an oblivious 17 year old.

i have lost. every. ounce. of. respect. for. her.

FUCK YOU.

she came into my room.
"can you pick up your brother from camp?"
"sorry. it's thursday mom. i'm leaving soon."
"fine. but you can't do anything until you get your car washed."
"what part of i am going out don't you understand? i have been driving around for you all week! i have picked him up from camp everyday this week doing YOU favors. it's your responsibility"
"no it's not. it's not my job to pick up your brother from camp. it's YOURS."
"that's not true! he's your son!"

or.

my sister got her braces off last week. my mom forgot about her appointment so she just didn't take her. she needs her retainer. mom calls in for another appointment and makes it a week later. my sister complains her teeth are already moving and she can't wait 2 weeks before she gets her retainer. my sister had to call and reschedule the appointment herself.



gaahhhhh! it's so confusing!!!

you look like a bitch and it makes me want to help you

i look like a bitch and it makes you want to help me?

If only life actually worked like that.
All it took was a repeat to be on the same page.
If only we were able to fully understand each other.
I wish I could read you because maybe I would like you a lot more.

Let's enter the vacuum. We don't know each other. We don't know anything. All we know is what is in front of us. Absorb the other.

"Excuse me? But this is a dog!"

"That's not all she is. Look harder."

dear whoever wrote in my formspring,

you asked me a couple of days ago what to do when you're sad. i thought of the perfect answer: help other people.
i am not sad right now and have not been lately.
but today i went and packed over 6,000 packets of food to give to starving children.
and tomorrow i am going to go to skid row.
i can't explain the effect of it. not only do you see that you don't have it off the worst but you also realize the effect you can have on a person.


i could do stuff like this the rest of my life. and i will continue to do so.

it's stuff like this that keeps my life going.

i wish everyone in the world gave it a shot.
it's a lot of fun.

i miss too many people.



all i ask is that you don't forget about me. yes. i mean you specifically.
but i also mean all the rest of you as well.

wow. my life is falling apart.
man. i'm a failure.
my grades suck.
i used to depend on my talent so i thought it was ok. then i realized i don't really have talent.
friends? sure. i have them. as for close friends. yeah right.

depressing vents. well. it makes me feel better.

why do i feel like i'm ALWAYS crying?


and it's not even about that anymore.





fuckkkkkk meeeeee.

dreams v. reality.

want to hear the truth? you are scaring me. each and everyone one of you. you would think that

by being scared i would be learning. but i'm not. i am SICK of being messed with. fucked over.

is it because i let you all fuck me over? is it because of me? or do i really just have fucking bad

luck? i don't even know. everyone and their mother would agree with me when i say i've had it

bad when it comes to all of you. i don't understand what i do wrong. i keep trying different types

of people. it's not that i'm trying to play it safe. because i know it would already be dangerous.

i wasn't looking nor am not looking for anything serious. but then again i don't just want a fling.

is it bad that i just care about people? i guess my biggest problem is that i want something

different in my reality and i want something different in my dreams. i guess i have to decide

which one i will let control everything. because it's just not possible. incapability. i hate being

messed with. stop messing with me. i like the truth. want to hear my truth? here it goes.

i find you adorable. i was confused on why i suddenly developed such a random attraction for

you but i have now come to realize it isn't that crazy. you seem to really care. and i like hanging

out with you. but. i don't know what you're deal is right now. if it's me. or if it's you. that sounds

like a stereotypical B.S. answer but enlighten me with this. i could be making too big of a deal

out of this. it's not just you. it's me analyzing everything in general. so it's all of you.



if this ends smoothly. all will be well. if this ends roughly. well. i've already had that happen way to many times before because let's be honest. we both know it's going to end. but what happened to having fun? whatever. fuck me.

respect.
i have realized this is the major aspect our generation is lacking. maybe not even our generation. just americans.

we don't respect our friends. we don't respect our enemies. we don't respect our elders. we don't respect our parents. and we don't even respect ourselves. i know this is a huge generalization but at one point or another respect is in the back of our mind. everything would be easier and more organized if we just respected one another.

TRUST

i hope i'm wrong.

remember that time i said formspring comments wouldn't make me cry?

i'm on the verge of tears.

i don't think it's the words they are saying. it's the actions they are doing. someone really must hate me if they are egging my car.
what i don't understand is why. what could i have possibly done? sure. i can be a bitch sometimes. but so can everyone. i don't hate people. (don't start quoting that one video on jordan's iphone.)
i do dislike people but the people i dislike i am never really mean to.

i'm not going to change because of these events. i just can't help but wonder why...

i don't think i am that horrible of a person. i would never egg someone. or their car.







someone really must hate me.

egg art...to....

we do egg art. they do sushi art. or rice art. or whatever those things are. making creatures out of food is a new international artistic phenomenon.

my biggest failure yet:

focusing on the things that aren't going to get me anywhere in life.

dear world,

i've been writing to you a lot lately but that's just because you have been sucking. majorly.
i don't really know how i feel. or if i even have the right to feel anything.

it is what it is.

i like what i like.
i do what i do.
i like who i like.
it just happened to be you.

from,
madison

i don't feel like saying love. you don't deserve that from me right now.

me vs. the world.

today i felt like the world was against me. today literally everything went wrong. it was one of those days.

wake up after not sleeping, take a shower, grab my brother, walk out the door super early so i can get a coffee and not be late, find my car covered with fucking eggs, go back upstairs grab my dad, hose it off, get wet, forced to change clothes, drive to coffee bean, realize the entry way in which i usually go is closed, running late, running even more late because the new way i had to exit won't let me turn left so i was forced to take sepulveda all the way to second, drive by pennekamp, drop my brother off, and then drive to school. because i was late i had to park on the furthest side and because of finals i had 3 books plus my yearbook, because i was late i didn't have time to go to my locker so i go to my english class with a full back pack, 3 text books, a yearbook, and coffee. sit down. relaxed a little when i realized we weren't doing anything. bell rings i walk out the door, give russell my daily morning punch in the arm, then go to second period. we graded our tests from last week. bad grade after i studied, shows how unintellectual i am, sulk the rest of the period, ask to go to my locker he makes me take the huge south african FIFA world cup flag with me (which i got for him). usually i would be delighted but once again i was sulking. PLUS now not only was i carrying my 3 textbooks (i drank the coffee and left my yearbook) i wasn't getting rid of the text books. i was replacing them. at least it wasn't 3 anymore. try to deal with the crush i have on my husband. but then i grabbed my history book yadaydaydya. go to the drama during snack waiting for eric. realize how hungry i am and that eric wasn't coming. no one wanted to go with me to by my snacks so i went by myself. ignored my sister as i walked past her. yadaydaydyadyayda. whatever.

PLUS i lost my keys. the tape ran out of tape. i felt guilty. i didn't take pictures and i almost fell asleep during senior scenes due to the lack of sleep last night.

if you read through that whole thing i am impressed.

now. i will be spending my whole night finishing this drama scrapbook.

that was my rant.

more more more.

alright. i have more to add on.

main girl: whatever her name maybe stereotypical independent woman. not focused on men, just on her photography...and trying not to get killed. attractive but not cocky and not stupid like megan fox.

main guy: in the army. charming dick who gets all the ladies. starts it off as a challenge/bet to get the photographer girl? (to simple?) then maybe ends up saving her life resulting in a special connection/love.

brainstorming. brainstorming. brainstorming.

i should be studying. i should be studying.

actually. i should be sleeping.

it's way past my bedtime.

ok so here's a new idea.

i kind of have a new idea for a story.

a photographer who volunteers to go take pictures of a war ( not certain which one yet) is told by the generals or whatever not to fall for any of the men. because she is a women. and they feel all woman that aren't nurses (and even those who are) sign up only for the men. and she reassures them that she is only in it for the art. but then she is swept off her feet by a boy.

i feel like it could be interesting.
but then again i find a lot of things interesting that others don't.

i have a weird connection toward wars. like i love war movies. even though sometimes i pretend to be grossed out by it. which maybe sometimes i am. i secretly watch them by myself. but growing up i always used to want to fight in the war. now i think it'd be more realistic to take pictures. not now. but eventually. maybe even starting small.

i am so silly and bizarre.
all i know is that i don't want to do something ordinary. and i don't want to be that person that says she wants to travel the world. i want to know what i am doing. i want to experience other countries but not just for the sake of experience. maybe for art. i don't really know.

my mind works differently. i see a lot of things from a different perspective.

Don't ask, Don't tell [Attempt at first scene.]

Don't ask, Don't tell.

[JONATHAN, in his Army Service Uniform, around the age of 30 is in the front yard of his stereotypical, American house playing with his 3 children, two boys ages ERIC,9 and DAVID,7, and a daughter JANE,3]

[Enter EMILY]

[JONATHAN immediately gets up from off the lawn and walks toward his wife.]

EMILY:
I, I, I, [stuttering] ironed your best shirt. Seems like you are ready to go. (small half smile, trying not to hide her tears.]

JONATHAN:
[Taking her hands in his own] You don't need to worry. Everything will be fine.

[She leans up on her tip toes trying to kiss him, he turns away.]

EMILY:
[Frustrated she lets go of his hands and crosses her arms]
God damn it! There you go! Being all distant again! You are shipping out soon and you won't even let me kiss you! [She lowers her voice after a slight glance at the kids and pauses] You don't love me anymore.

JONATHAN:
Emily, you are overreacting. I didn't do it on purpose. [Once again he takes her hands in his own] We can try it again. [Leans in to kiss her]

EMILY:
See. You always do this. You make up an excuse. It always looks as if you are forcing yourself to do it for me. You make it hard for me to be mad at you. You are like a lost puppy. There must be a reason for why you don't want to kiss me anymore. You aren't in love with me anymore.

JONATHAN:
I do love you.

EMILY:
That isn't the same thing. That isn't the same thing as being in love.

JONATHAN:
Come here. [He opens his arms for her and tries to embrace]

EMILY:
You know what. No. Not this time. There has always been something hesitant in our relationship and I've always thought it was because you were shy so you know, I went with it. Now, I am not so sure. [She looks down] Maybe...Maybe we need a break. We'll see how it goes being apart from each other.

JONATHAN:
Wait, hold on a second! You are choosing to take a break with me the day before I ship out? So while I'm out fighting for my life, our fucking country, you are going to be sleeping around with other men? Is that what you are saying?

EMILY:
There is no need to start yelling...the childre-

JONATHAN:
No reason to start yelling? Give me one reason not to start yelling? God damn it Emily! It's not like I'm cheating on you with other women! You know I have never even KISSED another woman before I met you! I'm going out to do my job. You are punishing me for it?! I can't believe you. I can-

EMILY:
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUSBAND! [He closes his mouth and looks into her eyes as she finally starts to sob. She walks up to him.] Do you know what's its like...to be in love with someone who shows no emotion toward you? Do you? You are like a robot sometimes! [She closes her eyes for a moment and sighs] I just want...I just want to be loved. I want attention. You don't give me that. You don't even give me anything anymore.

[JONATHAN stares at her for a moment, saying nothing, before he walks away to his truck]

EMILY:
Wait, Jonathan, WAIT! Don't go, COME BACK!

[Scene ends with Emily standing on the lawn sobbing and the three children watching the car drive away in confusion?]

*NOTE TO SELF: Include kids more in beginning scene.

sneaking onto my laptop makes writing blog posts so much more interesting.
i am currently sitting under my covers with the laptop on my lap. the light coming off from the screen is pretty bright. it reminds me of that one scene in Harry Potter where he is doing magic under his covers.

today was a bummer day.
whenever it's a bummer day i usually turn to the mass.

sometimes i am really stupid.

It's like this

It’s like this.

You have to have the nicest jeans or the cutest purse or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say this, be on his side, her side, be neutral, be normal, be unique, have white teeth, have straight teeth, your hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, post like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip because that’s how it is. And let me just say, fuck all of that.

here is what i am, or. kind of how i am:
a 17 year old girl who likes narnia and superman. who strives on photography. who essentially cares about what people think. who doesn't change because of it. who blushes way too much. who can't decide how the hell she wants her fucking hair. who trusts people way to easily. who develops crushes on way to many people. who can be such a drama queen. who has a lot of drama in her life at times. who doesn't get good grades but is pretty intelligent. who only puts time into things she is passionate about. who is a facebook lurk. who sleeps with a blanket. who has insane fucking dreams. who can't watch scary movies. who takes a bath everyday. who showers every other day. who likes being south african, and different. WHAT?

and now a letter.

Dear World,

Stop trying to conform me. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't want to be like everyone else. I do want to be liked. I do want to be loved. Does that only happen if I fit in? If so, I don't know if I want that deal. I am busy trying to figure myself out. I hate that everyone thinks we are supposed to have all our shit figured out in high school. Are you kidding me? I doubt it'll be a while till we TRULY figure ourselves out. If we ever even do...Why are you confusing me so much? I wonder how I would act if I was the only person in this world. No other people in the world to influence my decisions and actions...but then again...if i were the only one in the world would I have decisions or actions?

WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING? snap. snap. BACK TO REALITY.

whatever.

Love,
the girl with the 4 year old purple nails.

what iffer man.

i am surprised i am not still upset.
that it didn't last that long.
i thought it was going to be really hard to deal with but it didn't last longer than the day after.

i do this thing. i tend to set up a false reality for myself. which basically means i tend to dream up an alternative life.
it's not that i don't like my life. honestly. i do. i am just a big what iffer. i like to venture out. i want to be able to experience a different life. which is probably why i like acting. you have the ability to be yourself and also to be someone TOTALLY different.

i like dreaming.
i like what iffing.
and i like being able to tell the difference between reality and dreaming.

he lied and said...

He looked deeply into my eyes, he lied and said "I'll never make you cry" and when I thought it was too good to be true, he blew me off and found someone new.

long time no talk, right?

blogging helps me sort out my inner thoughts. i try not to have structure i sort of just write what comes to my mind. i'd much rather write what's on my mind with no thought, than say it in person and risk hurting someone's feelings.

something i have realized. when you are drinking or you are drunk you lose your sense to feel emotional connections. one thing in particular i have noticed. when you hold someones hand while you have been drinking you don't feel that spark you do. i love holding hands with someone i'm attracted to. i love the warm safety and excitement it brings.

basically, I love holding hands.

this weekend i have realized who my real friends are.

i don't need a best friend. i am surrounded by a few close people that i know i can always count on.

i have also realized. this year has been a shitty year over all. of course i have had my amazing moments but i feel like we all have our bad years in life and this happens to be mine. maybe when i go to college things will change. those will be my good years.

time to be upfront. (but not as upfront as i am in my secret blog)

i don't know what has changed. whether i have matured or you all have immatured.

i am so ANNOYED. by you. and you. and you....

i don't know who you think you are but you gotta wake up and look around.

...you aren't as cool as you think.

you guys are all nice people. you are just acting REALLY immature.

i have been waiting to blog for the past few weeks and now that i finally have i keep forgetting what i wanted to write. but what i just wrote above was NOT what i wanted to type. that's the last time i'm going to bring it up.

i want it to be summer. or even next year. think about how much fun it's gonna be. (such a good group...) kaila and i were already getting excited about it. it'll be like last summer...but fucking better.

what happened last summer:

beach

olivia's house

katy's house

my CAR

summer school (hahahaha.)

more beach

laser tag

ok. now to switch topics once again.

this whole segregation thing is really pointless.

obviously there are people in this world we don't like. we're human. but we gotta tolerate them. especially if there are a lot of mutual friends involved.

having to choose is stupid. i mean i understand. but still.

oh p.s.

i have a secret blog. NOBODY knows about it.

i mean now people do.

but no one will ever read it.

it's relieving to have one.

not one person in that little room is the same.

there was a point last night when me and laurel looked at each other and started crying. wanna know why?
freshman year. we wanted SO much to be like you guys. the babies. we were both constantly competing for your approval to be apart of your little group. i realize now how silly it was. we both stopped trying and that's when it happened.
i don't want any of you guys to leave. i thought it'd be fun to be a senior next year but you can guys can just stay and be seniors for us.
i was thinking this morning how sad it is that you guys won't be there to do piano man with us. or we will never do that crazy dancing while we practice rejoice after vocal warm up. or how we won't have our dance party every night before the second act. or how i will never be a munchkin again.
i wish i would have became friends with some of you sooner. it seems like we are running out of time.

on another note...
have you ever realized how the drama department basically bonds over emotions? i mean we are always feeling the same emotions. when someone goes up to perform and does really well we all get excited and happy. last night at energy circle we were all sad. when something bad happens to someone we want to be there for them. i think that's what makes us the family we are. they way that all these different people in this one little room can relate over emotions and feelings.

not one person in the drama department is the same.

i wish i would have got out all my crying last night because crying by myself sucks. i know we are all feeling the same way, so i'd much rather be crying with you guys instead of feeling alone.

time to start figuring it out.

well. it's over. first costa musical: check.
i am writing this at 3:43 in the morning, delirious and i am almost positive this blog won't make much sense. in fact i doubt anyone will actually read this whole thing. i never imagined i would be this sad for a junior show because i have two (hopefully next year). what i wasn't expecting was to be hanging out with the ones who are leaving this year so much. don't get me wrong. i am happy. i love everybody. but it's just sad.

hearing the senior speeches made me realize a few things. i don't want to be one of those people in the senior speeches who say "i regretted not hanging out with so and so..." This is my check list. It's simple and to the point.

People I want to reconnect with:
Kaila
Alysse
Laurel
and even Jordan
and Jack.

People I want to get to know better:
Charlie
Kendall
Oriana
Leo
Ron
Buster
Carly
Matt
Scott
Lucy

People I want to remain close with:
Bella
Jill
Jason
Kellianne
Kendall
Ben
Sarah M.

People I am going to miss:
Bella
Jill
Ben
Michael
Sarah(s)
Russell
Katy
Spencer
Lucy

I know I am forgetting people and I will continue to add people in. or i might just forget.

and now is the time where the "this is my blog and i am just going to come out and say what's on my mind" rule applies.

Things I want to accomplish:

Number 1. Be fucking drama president next year. god. i didn't think i wanted it this much until the end of last year. these past few weeks i have really been stressing about it. i have such good competition. wondering what to say in my speech. wondering how i could change the drama department if i even could. brainstorming ideas that might be good for the club next year. etc.
hell. i even did research. i never. ever. research. i am so surprised i don't know what came over me.
i looked up the requirements and what is expected of the thespian president. i scanned through the obvious ones that i already knew then there was one that really stuck out to me.

Is a model for the lower level students.

That's the main thing isn't it? The drama president is supposed to remind those who feel out of place or intimidated that this IS their family. that we are there for him.
obviously keeping things in order but it's to make sure everybody has a chance. to have faith in those who don't have enough faith in themselves. i really wish my freshman year i had a president like that.
it gets better each year though. matt added a lot of great ideas and was matt. sarah is a very good people person.

something else needs to get added on.

this seems like a good start to at least starting to figure out what to say in my speech. don't worry. i haven't given it all away.

why do i care so much about this drama department? i really do not understand. it's just weird.

2. Get at least a supporting role or a lead in the next show.

i hate hate hate.

i hate hate hate how girls can't flirt with boys without being accused of liking them.

there is a different between liking someone and being attracted to them.

i wish girls were able to hold hands with boys [who aren't gay or family] just in a friendly way.

i wish boys wouldn't assume that just because a girl flirts with you or is nice to you means that she is desperate and wants you. don't be thick. not all girls are like that.

I WANT BOY FRIENDS. not boyfriends. not hook ups either.

just BOYS. i mean i have my gang of boys but most of them are taken.

see i can't even get sympathy or be friendly with boys who are taken because it's considered "wrong"

Newsflash. I do not like you. I do not like anyone at the moment. Just because I am single and there are boys I hang out with that are single does NOT mean that i like them. That is the truth.

Of course there is attraction. Which is a whole different matter.

girls and boys need to be more in sync.

girls and girls need to be more in sync.

boys and boys have to stop being idiotic.

basically humans need to try and understand people before they start assuming.

that was my rant of the day.

to do.

things to do:
- get better so i can give my all with the show
- not give in to having the cast party at my house this year
- find a prom date i actually WANT to go with and will have fun with (preferably a friend. and a boy)
- keep my friends close even after the show
- get back to surfing
- hang out with tristan [musicians oath.]
- do my history homework [ALL OF IT.]
- find my advanced drama audition pieces [really? anybody have a monologue book they want to lend?]
- make sure kellianne is on vocal rest
- make new friends
- NOT fall in love.
- fall in love


but most of all...

try not to miss the blip blop to much when it ends.

i love attention

i wish more people noticed me on stage.
the truth is i get all my energy from other people.
i love making people laugh.
i love attention.
i do.





but i hate long hours of notes. i could be sleeping. 1...2...3...SLEEP.

maybe i am not meant to be doing this.

it seems i have gotten the best luck with the last two shows. the two shows i wasn't even in.
the spring show last year- i met austin.
the fall show this year- i met dylan.

maybe if i wasn't in the show there would be a third guy?

maybe i am not meant to be doing this.

but then again both those boys ended up not working out to well.

and it seems i am making stronger friendship bonds with the people around me.

plus i have worked so hard to get here and it's what i've always wanted right?

don't tell me boys aren't a big deal and i shouldn't be examining this because whether we want to admit it or not we like boys. we like the attention they give us and we like the feeling. i do want somebody. don't we all?

but believe it or not i am not looking. i don't know if i need a relationship in my life.
it's just what i am saying.

hey. the show hasn't ended yet, hell it hasn't even started.

let's see what happens.

watch this all be a life lesson. i hope i get something big out of this.

p.s. i am sick of this negativity and how prude some people are. if you're going to be a bitch to me i am going to be a bitch right back. no one in this show is better than anyone else. stop letting it get to your heads. especially YOU.

honestly, you all suck.

honestly, you all suck.
i am so sick of a few of you.
just because you don't like someone (someone you don't even know and already don't like, which is fucking fantastic) it doesn't mean you treat someone like that.
now i gossip. the whole world probably knows that i do. but when you are given a secret and specifically told NOT to tell somebody why the hell would you tell them?
don't worry. it's not just you. you apologized. but it's ALL of you.
who the hell do you think you guys are?
you are no better than anyone but for some odd reason you seem to think you are.
what do you do that is so special?
i understand. you don't like people. that is cool. nobody likes everyone.
but it doesn't give you a right to be complete DICKS to people.
unless you're perfect that you have no right to completely push people away or ignore them.
great. way to scare another person off.
they did nothing to you but yet you think it's ok to hurt them and embarrass them.
share a bond by laughing at someone.

you gotta start giving people a chance.
and you gotta get off of that high throne of yours and fucking face the world.
trust me. i can point out your flaws. [believe it or not you do have flaws]
i can point out my flaws.
we all have flaws.

this is getting so annoying. honestly.

just missed 11:11

i just missed 11:11


crap.

there goes my wish.

fields of gold.

"does it annoy you when i sing?"
"yes."

-silence-


"well?"
"what?"
"it doesn't mean you should stop."

last night.

last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life. never before have i felt like this in my entire life...i met this boy.
i know what you maybe thinking it's just a "vacation hook up" but it isn't. not to me. and certainly not to him.

it feels like love.

i know i am not old enough to know what love feels like but if we are this happy and having so much fun it has to be pretty close right?
it feels like i'm stuck inside a movie. or a book. something nicholas sparks would write about.

i did something. something. well.

i am still in shock about everything that happened last night. it wasn't me but at the same time it was a new me. this boy is amazing.

we met out on the basketball courts last night. my sister and i wanted to shoot some hoops (we know that's where all the cute guys were...) and well he was playing with some friends.

basketball.
jacuzzi's.
laying out on the golf courses.
and well...after all that of course.

there was also a note.

this is all so romantic. it seems unreal and unbelievable.

but i am just going to go with it.

[by the way. he liked my converse.]

swimming in the moonlight.

swimming in the moonlight = my new favorite thing to do.

whether the moon is shining down on the breaking waves and the small heads bobbing up and down as they go over a wave and under the next.

whether the moon is shining down on a lake and with each refreshing step into the cold, icy water the hairs on your arms stick straight up.

whether the moon is shining down on the simple, stereotypical pool. it isn't the same as the 2 above but it's the one you can use every night and it's the simple one that brings back the memories.

this is my 100th post.

it's weird.
i know i change my blog title a lot and i know i change my banner a lot...

it's time for a new change.

hopefully i don't regret any of this.

i've kept this on the DL for awhile now because i was afraid i would be taken advantage of. or i would be used. or people would just accuse me of unsuitable things.

hopefully i don't regret any of this.
i have a bad feeling.


(for the record. i am doing this because i think it will be fun. a fun group thing. i know you will enjoy it. i've been spoiled long enough. time to share.)

if only everything were fair.

is this what a best friend feels like?

"do you mind if i smoke a cigarette?"
"no."

"do you want one?"

"ye---- [pause].....no"

everything happens for a reason.

everything happens for a reason.

that is something i have always believed.
yesterday i went to check out a chemistry book because mine got checked back into the library a couple weeks ago because i left it in my class. today i opened it up and it says "DARIUS SMITH 2009-2010"
if darius were alive still this would be his book. it's just weird to think about the reason why it was in the library in the first place and why it happened to come into my hands.

fuck YOU.

looking back i have realized i haven't had much luck with guys.
when we were dating everyone was always like, "you're so lucky. he is so good to you."
and when we had a thing everyone was like, "you're so lucky. he is so fucking hot."

both of those things are true. no denial.

but honestly, it's hard to remember how nice you were when we were together because of how badly you BOTH ended things. it doesn't matter what you did for me when we were together anymore. you did things that made it seem like you cared but it was either all a cover up or you didn't know what you were saying. if you really cared, you would have ended things better. you would have been thinking about my feelings rather than your own when things were over.

and i am talking about BOTH of you.

once you really, and TRULY care for someone you don't stop. unless someone does something to hurt you. which i don't think i ever did. not yet anyways. but even if someone hurts you, you always have a soft spot for them in your heart. to you- i still hate seeing you with her even though i am completely and honestly over you. and it. maybe i am just immature. and to you- i have a protective feeling when it comes to you. it comes off as jealously but i swear to god i can't handle you being hurt again. it has nothing to do with me. just be careful. i don't think you realize what you are getting yourself into.

i know. i know. this is annoying. this is the past. i have nothing to do in either one of your lives anymore. sure. we're friends. but sometimes i feel as if it isn't a real friendship.

you know what i need?

i need a friend.

a real friend.

someone i can open up to and always crawl to and always rely on. you two were that person for me, but i've realized it can't be someone i am dating...they end up leaving and taking too much of me with them. i don't think the two of you even realize how much i have opened up to you and how rare and personal it is.

anybody want to be my friend?

i need one.

not because i am sad. or because life sucks. honestly. i am perfectly happy with life. i just need real friends.

???

and kiss. and cuddle. and love.

i like attention.
i really do.
i'm not gonna lie.

i love when people laugh at me.
it makes me smile because i like making people laugh.
i love making people smile.

so i guess it's kind of a two for one deal right?
i mean everybody likes to laugh...it's better than crying.
so let's just keep laughing.

it's the only reassurance we have.
if life sucks, so much, the best thing to do is laugh.
and kiss.
and cuddle.
and love.

love.
cuddle.
kiss.
laugh.

and you know what i love? when you have all 4 of those things happening at once.
if you have all those 4 things, and if they are all 4 GENUINELY happening inside of you do me a favor...

don't let go.
do your best not to let go.
you're a lucky person.

be happy. smile and show you're happy and those who are sad can't help but smile as well.
be our hope.
that everyone will have these 4 things numerous times in their lives and just because they don't have them now well. it's coming. just live your life and it'll be with you before you know it.

if only we always had those 4 things.

the more confident...

i am slowly starting to figure out.
not necessarily myself but how to act around different people.
how to really connect with each individual person.

the more confident i pretend to be...
the more confident i am.

there is a different between cockiness and confidence. cockiness is knowing you have talent and shoving it in other people's faces saying "look at what i can do." or "look what I did" or one upping others, "I can do this..." "Oh yeah? I can do something like that but BETTER!" that is cockiness. Confidence is knowing you have talent and being proud of it. Obviously it's something you should be proud of because not everyone has the same talents you do, or because it took you awhile to gain.

confidence is not cockiness.
confidence is supporting yourself when the rest of the world fails to do so.

But with you my dear; I want to dream a realistic reality.

This is my thought.

It is my own.
It's what I thought.
I thought that if hands were held they were eventually let go.
But with you my dear, I've learned it's impossible to let go.

This is our lesson.
It is only ours.
It's what we learn.
I have learned that two people can indeed share a connection no one else understands.
But with you my dear, I've learned that some lessons are just dreams.

This is my dream.
It is my own.
It's what I dreamt.
I dreamt that even if i screwed up you'd be waiting for me with open arms a new lesson that needs to be taught.
But with you my dear, it was all a dream.

Everything was all a dream.

What separates a dream from reality is that in dreams we are more brave and we follow our instincts.
But what also separates a dream from reality is that dreams usually only focus on the things that we want our mind to focus on, not what's standing right in front of us.

I want to dream a realistic reality.

you don't know me at all.

this weekend i realized how much my mom really doesn't know me.
i'm sorry i am not tall.
i'm sorry i am not blonde.
i am sorry i am not a cheerleader.
i'm sorry i don't have a super hot tan.
i'm sorry i don't have the perfect body like you did in high school.
i'm sorry i don't have all the guys drooling at my feet just like you did.
i'm sorry i am not a model, once again like you were.

i'm short.
my hair is always changing.
i'm an artist.
i'm whiter than my sister.
i have some curves.
i have one guy at a time.
i'm a photographer.

but then again. i am not sorry at the same time. i am glad i am not like you. i am glad to be me, look how you turned out. that is self explanatory.

you don't support me.
when i told you i wanted to learn how to surf you gave me the skeptical look. then you came into my room and told me that you knew why i took the sudden interest: for boys. Wrong. Absolutely and positively wrong. you don't know me at all. i need a break from boys. which is a reason WHY i want to learn surfing. to just be able to go out and do something on my own. but mostly i just woke up one morning and decided i wanted to learn. the thing about me is i act purely on impulse and if i don't act upon right as i am interested i slowly lose interest.

you don't support me.
i know i told you at first i didn't want you going to my first comedy sportz match. but when i told you friday right after school that i wanted you and dad to go you didn't say anything and you told dad at 8 o clock when he got home at 6 o clock and you guys just ended up staying in. great.

you don't know me at all.

you are a horrible mother. you are selfish.

i love you. but i have a lot of my respect for you this year.

Warning: Sort of intense thoughts.

Warning: Sort of intense thoughts. Don't read if you don't want to hear emotional things.

until last thursday i have never thought about suicide. i just thought it was a way of life because how often it is portrayed in movies, it almost seemed normal.
it isn't normal. it isn't ok.
but as i was driving today i started to think how EASY it is just to turn my wheel the wrong way and crash. how dangerous it is for people who are unstable or can't control their emotions to just let it take control of their fate.
it's scary how easy it is to kill yourself.

physically i mean. the emotional battle is something totally different.

what if i turn the wheel the wrong way?
what if i run a red light?
what if i walk across a red crosswalk?
what if i am being a doofus on a bridge and just fall off?

what if? what if? what if? what if?

i was thinking these thoughts today. not because i am thinking of doing them. i am not depressed so don't report me to the suicide watch.

suicide is the scariest thing to me right now. imagine what must be going through their minds that cause them this pain. i never want to feel the pain. i never want anyone to feel that pain. i wish i could tell if someone were feeling that way.

i feel like humans shouldn't be in control of their lives. we let our emotions and interactions take control of our reasoning a lot of the time. i know i do.

no idea what i'm doing

i have no idea what i am doing or what i want to do.
all i know is that i am capable of doing whatever my mind tells me and right now it is telling me to do weird things.
i want to experience everything. i don't want to be limited.
when some people heard i've been "surfing" the past few days i doubt they have been thinking like i have.
i am not going to change into some surfer chick and i don't want to.
i am not going to change.
it just feels nice. i like it. i'm not trying to be anyone different it's just the activity that intrigues me. i don't see the harm in wanting to experimenting everything. besides. this is high school. NOBODY knows who the fuck they are. it's alright for people to change because high school, hell, LIFE is about figuring yourself out.

people are allowed to change and still keep their same beliefs.

nobody will always be the same.

honestly you can shoot me for saying this but i think the key to survival is your ability to adjust in situations. when i moved from redondo to manhattan i was positive that i wasn't going to like the school, that i would stay a redondo kid and just be friends with all my friends there. but then i changed. and there is nothing wrong with that. i found people i fit in with. i found stuff i like to do.
as long as you are doing things you enjoy there is no harm in changing. that doesn't make you fake.

just for the record i am NOT thinking of changing. i am content. i might just be trying new things.

Diary 1. [From the past]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAILY NEWS SPECIAL EDITION MADISON IS FAMOUS

today we just opened a new concert the singer madison swart. she is 35 years old with 10 kids there names are Mallory, Jason, Tasha, Max, Mrs. Andersson, Mathhew, Cord, Dennis, Jasmine, and Mally. There so cute you sould see them. Well thats all for today.

oh hey. remember me?
ever since that day i haven't really been able to write anything.

i don't have much to say.

here is a secret for all of you who want to hurt me.

people are really stupid.
i got like 5 mean formspring "questions" and i am almost positive it's from the same person.
and the funny thing is i SHOULD be hurt by them but i'm not. i am more like ok...what's the point of that? it's not constructive criticism. that i can respect. but these are just stupid, immature comments. are they trying to hurt me? cause if they are it definitely isn't working. it's just making them look stupid.

here is a secret to all of you who want to hurt me

say it to me in person.

go ahead. if that's your goal.

i am helping you out. i PROMISE you if you say these mean things to me in person i WILL be affected by them. i won't have anything to hide behind.

i am being completely and utterly honest.

so stop being so immature and man up. i will take you more seriously.
even though i am almost positive i know who wrote those which is pathetic.

this is me just ranting. i don't like getting mean things online, nobody does, but i am not upset by them. it's just annoying and dumb.

there is nothing exciting about this post. no drama.

right now. at this very moment. i am extremely happy.
i have no idea why. i am currently alone but i am finally starting to realize it is okay.
i am REALLY happy for you. you have no idea how happy it makes me to see you happy and honestly i don't even know why. you guys are adorable.
i love seeing the happiness of new and old relationships around me.
i am not jealous.
or resentful.
i am just happy for everybody.
i am happy to be surrounded by amazing friends.
i don't like being surrounded by some people who pretend to be my friends.
that is getting annoying.
i am glad we hung out so much at fullerton.

right now i am just. i don't know.

thank you darius for uniting us. you brought us closer together which brought us closer to our victory.

we as humans really don't know humans.

it's weird. before about a day ago or so i've never really thought about suicide until now. i can't stop thinking about it. not that i am CONSIDERING doing it or anything, don't take this the wrong way. it's just thinking about the word, the meaning, the emotions, the feelings behind it.
how does somebody really feel before committing suicide? i mean i am not stupid. it must not be very good. is it all a physiological thing or can anybody consider it? what if i just woke up one day and just started having these thoughts?

i can't imagine the pain people suffer through because my problems seem microscopic compared to those.

how can you tell if someone you know is having these thoughts right now as you speak? you could just be playing board games with someone, laughing and you don't even notice or stop to think what could really be going through their mind.

we as humans really don't know humans.

sorry this isn't organized. my mind is all over the place.

i had a good day today.

and this is related to the events that have happened this past few days but i am not saying this was the reason. we don't know. either way this is in my mind.

we are the greatest liars.

[photo taken september 18, 2009 drama kick off party: Darius Smith]

i am at a loss of words right now.
i have waited all day to be able to come to my blog and just let everything sort itself out.
but that hasn't happened.
this won't just sort itself out.

today has really made me realize how not alone we all are and although we lost a great, amazing guy it has really made us grow together as a group. this one boy was able to unite a lot of us in a way we have never been united before. i cried with people i have never talked too.

here is my story:
he switched into my biology class in the middle of the year and sat next to me. i was excited because i thought he was cute and thought maybe he'd be my new boyfriend. we were lab partners. once we started talking he said he liked costa but he didn't have many friends so i told him he should go to improv club and drama club. that that's where my family was. after a couple weeks of convincing he finally came. and then this year he took drama because i convinced him. but you know what? once he started coming in i never once talked to him. barely acknowledged him at all. in fact a couple of times i talked crap behind his back. why? for no reason. because i am a horrible person. a stupid, immature high schooler who thought for some reason i was better than this boy who was always smiling. i am no better than him. i am no better than anyone at all. i wish i could say i liked him. but i am not going to change my opinion about him just because he is gone. what i am going to say is that i wish i was able to try and accept him more. i wish i gave it another chance. who knows? we could have been friends. i feel extremely regretful right now but what i am going to do is take something from this.

i am done not accepting people. i am done not giving people chances and i am DONE thinking i am better than other people. today i hugged whoever i saw crying. no matter how annoying i used to think they were. i dropped every single judgment i made about them in the past and just bonded with them. united. we were all feeling the same way and a lot of these kids NEEDED a shoulder to cry on.

i know what it's like to feel not accepted and you know what it's sad that something THIS big had to happen to make us realize that we can't act like this anymore. so many of the younger kids feel like they can't talk to any of us and it isn't true. we should be the ones they look up to because we accept everybody not because we are intimidating and bitches. we live to entertain. i wish the cliquiness would stop.

now i understand there WILL be people in this world we don't like. and i am not saying we should stop judging people. that won't happen. but we should at least give everybody a chance. say hi to people in the hallways. at least PRETENDING is better than be straight up bitches to their faces. and it's not like it's something we can't do. we're all actors. we are the greatest liars.

i have more to say but my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy. i need a break. maybe after dessert theatre i will have more to say.

i am just upset. i am not just going to ignore what has happened. from now on i am legitimately going to try and be a better person.

if you ever, ever, ever need to talk. i will be here. i promise.