Saturday, January 30, 2010

the show would go on.

i have stopped letting honesty box trigger any emotional feelings within me. it took awhile because nobody likes getting mean comments but it doesn't change the fact that people will get them anyways. i used to get hurt by them not going to lie and say i never did. but these past few ones i've gotten i've honestly couldn't care less. like today i got one and i literally...literally just rolled my eyes. if something is said over honesty box don't listen to it or take to much into it. it obviously isn't that important if it can't be said to your face. don't let mean words change you. especially when it's someone saying you should stop pretending to be someone you're not.

first off. if it's coming from honesty box i DOUBT they know who you really are. you probably just surprised them by going against their prior judgments. don't let it get to you.
second off. come on. it's fucking high school. it's about creating yourself. no one always stays the same. it's time to find yourself. you are allowed to change as long as your morals and principles are still present.
third. they obviously aren't people who matter who are saying these things. if they were your friends they would say it to your face and if it was a big issue they would help you solve it.

it happens to everyone. and it does hurt. nobody likes getting mean messages. it's just people wanting to start un-necessary drama. go ahead. send me all the mean ones you want. i honestly have stopped caring.
this is just so people know they are not alone.

[though the nice ones are appreciated. sorry. this was written on 3 hours of sleep. cut me some slack dude.]

it's all about the diversity, dear.

someone's hand grabbed onto mine. my heart jumped but then sank right back down when i realized it was just mine.
if two hands are the same size they shouldn't be going together.
if two patterns are the same they shouldn't go together.
if two people are the same they shouldn't be together.

it's the diversity that keeps the fuel going.
that keeps things interesting.

welcome to topanga they said.

what. the. fuck. happened. tonight?
this has been such a random night. i don't even know what to make of it. i don't even know if that is what i was looking for.
it was great.
a little different.
and a little strange.
it was just great to go out and hang out with a group of strangers who just accepted me. didn't even question why i was there and offered me a drink. that hasn't happened before. no one has ever offered me anything like that.
not like it's going to become a continuous thing or anything. it was all for the experience.
no more wondering what it's like or anything of the sort.

well, welcome to topanga was all they said.

good night.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

it's not something i should forget.

i thought i was finally over it. maybe it's one of those things i will never COMPLETELY be over. at least it's somehow manageable and i can finally get on with my life but like i don't think the feeling i get every time is see your name will ever disappear. and these past couple of months i had FORGOTTEN what we had. i forgot you. i forgot everything that happened. and now that i think about it i don't understand how that happened. and i can't help but wonder if you've forgotten about it too. i hope not. i don't want to forget about it because there is a reason it happened. i think i got distracted for awhile. which was needed so i could get some sense back into my mind. you seem to still be distracted but do you ever think about it? like. i am thinking about it now.

i am no longer obsessing. just what "ifing". i feel like that is healthy and normal. i've come to terms and i've accepted. now it's all about the reminiscing. it's scary because as of today i finally feel after everything that i am finally able to...move on. before i was hesitant. wasn't sure if i could EVER try again. but i'm finally ready. isn't that scary to think about? i feel like it just puts a denial on everything that has happened. it just seems to easy.

well that isn't true. the whole process was ANYTHING but easy. but it's weird that i've forgotten about things. today i went to polliwog park which is what reminded me about everything. usually every time i drove by it i would catch my breath but this time i was actually IN it and i wasn't sad. at all. i was grateful that everything had happened. happy we had that experience together.

but even now as i write this and admittedly "facebook stalk" you something still triggers in my stomach. it's faint and it could pass as nothing if it was anyone but me but since it IS me and I over analyze everything it just shows that it hasn't completely disappeared yet. don't worry. you were to special for it to just suddenly disappear. but also don't worry because it really isn't nothing. i promise you. i think it's now just a reminder.

it's not something i should forget.

that's what i need.

i am very lost right now. indecisive i guess you could say. i am very confused and i am bored. with everything. and everyone. i am also sick of everyone. i want to try new things. which is why this weekend i am hoping to venture out as much as possible. just this one weekend i don't want to have to think about anything. just...let myself go. you know?

have you ever wanted to be a completely different person? now i am not saying i am not satisfied with who i am because i definitely am. i am the person i was meant to be but it just sounds exciting to be apart of something different. do something Madison would never do and prove Madison wrong. where is the harm in that? doesn't it sound exciting? and something bizarre and different? that's what i need. that's what i am craving.

i am no longer the little christian girl i was freshman year. my beliefs in christianity are still pretty solid but i am no longer afraid. or hesitant. well not enough to hold me back anymore. i have nothing to lose. it's not that i'm afraid that i'm running out of time i just...want...change.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

paris hilton has no talent.

what...are...we...doing? i think we are wasting our time idolizing figures who have no talent and do NOTHING to change the world. ok so they have all this money and give it to charities...why do they have all that money in the first place? what do they need it for? what do they DO? i mean i am not talking about every actor. i am talking about those celebrities like paris hilton and whoever who have no artistic ability whatsoever. there is a difference between acting like a dumb stereotypical person on screen and the actors who have talent and deserve to be recognized. still. i think we should put all of our idolizing to people who are actually making a difference or people who are actually trying to make this world a better place. like obama. like the soldiers fighting for our country(though i know there're many views against that) or people who run hospitals. you know what i'm saying.

if we are going to look up to actors we can at least look up to those we actually act.

this is just some stupid rant. i saw my sister reading one of those magazines (the ones i used to admittedly love) and it set me off. i think i am just frustrated with the world.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

i desperately need an escape.

let's get some things straight.

i do not need you telling me i am not doing thing right when it comes to MY photography. the thing is nothing is set in stone with photography and just because something is done a certain way doesn't mean every photographer has to do it in order to be considered a "good" photographer. it's MINE. that's just the way i do it. there is a difference between giving me construction criticism then telling me i am not doing something right. tell me what defines doing it right. show me a picture. and then explain to me how every other photo must be like that as well. don't be a dick. keep your superficial comments to yourself and don't tell me how to do MY work.

i've been feeling really weird these days. i miss having someone. and now that i don't have someone i'm going back to the kind of sad where i miss the past relationship again. i didn't realize how much i needed having someone and how much it distracted me from everything else that was happening. i was really leaning this boy and i didn't even notice until now...where i now know that things are officially over. things started getting better when we were talking and now it's back to being sucky. i can't cope. he helped me more than he knew or even more than i knew for that matter. i don't know whether or not i need him. i really feel like i do...but i know people are going to hate me for thinking that...because it's him...and because just...everything.

i can't wait to leave. i desperately need an escape.

on the plus side i feel like a family is close to forming. just like old times. it feels good to be apart of something like this again.

Monday, January 25, 2010

break time.

time for a break.
the hard thing is going to have to deal with the transition phase all over again.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

fick mich.

second time this has happened now. i thought once was bad. both very affective though. i guess they are kind of different in a way but both hurt in different levels.
the first time he left me after a long relationship and jumped straight to another girl whom he now has a stable relationship with. (i've forgiven him...for the most part.)
i figured i should give guys a second chance and that the chances of that happening again were very, very slim.
i was hesitant at first you see for i was very fragile and was taking things with baby steps. as were you. in fact you were probably way more fragile than i was. which was why i focused on you rather than me.
but now the second time you left. we weren't serious, but we weren't just hooking up either. well not how i see it at least. and jumped straight to another girl just for a stupid hook up.
it doesn't sound bad which i guess it isn't. but it just makes me seem like i was just another girl.

for ONCE, just once i want them to be affected by things ending just as much as i am.

i'm done with trusting boys. i figured the first time wasn't normal and it wouldn't happen again. from now on i am opening up to my blog and only my blog.

fick mich.

Update: I've tried to walk away. and I have tried to act as if I don't care but I do care about you. I really do. Is it crazy that I still want to be there for you? I think it is.

didn't mean it like that.

ok that was meaner than i meant it to be. i'm sorry about that.

but i am mad.

dear whoever you are.

dear you, no. dear whoever you are,

thank you. thank you for making this so much easier.
thank you for being a dick.
as of right now i don't want anything to do with you.
i was patient with you.
i trusted the words you said.
i was THERE for you. you know what i am talking about. God you better know.
i mean who does that?
and you don't even know what i'm talking about.
i don't understand you and i have given up trying to.
you've changed.
i'm not going to talk to you. or call you. in fact i don't even want to look at you.
i may be being over dramatic but guess what you were messing with?
nope. not my mind. if it was my mind i could have been rational.
nope. not just me.
my feelings.
you'll regret it. i know you will. you're going to need someone and i'm not going to be there. so good luck with your life. you are losing (and have lost) those who actually care for you.

just that one girl.

(i am not sad. i am angry. but it's under control. and it's also reasonable. i should have listened to everyone else when i had the chance. you are no longer "you" that title will be given to someone else now.)

i strayed away.

yesterday i strayed away from the group. i was the black sheep for a moment or so i thought i was. i decided to disappear for a while because i realized i didn't fit in with those other two girls. and for a little while i felt as if i wasn't pretty enough to be doing what they were doing. they are tall, long, beautiful, and really long, luscious beautiful dark hair. while there is me...short, small, with chopped red hair. now don't get me wrong. it's not that i don't think i'm pretty. but just like every girl i had that moment of insecurity. plus it obviously didn't help that YOU were there. i mean here were these girls practically getting naked as if it were no big deal and here was me, just taking photos. who do you think guys would rather be around? well that was how i was thinking and rereading this now i KNOW it was a good idea for me to separate. i desperately needed that time to think and sort out my thoughts. and i had a realization.

there is a reason i am not like those two girls. maybe i should just stay behind the camera. but as i was out sitting in the long endless fields filled with dirt, twigs, and lumps of trash i realized i would much rather be me. i have my own unique beauty and talents that some would kill for. there is more to people than just pretty faces and the fact that i am not willing to strip down in nothing just shows that i respect myself. and if i can find a guy who would pick me over naked girls then man, i have hit the jack pot. it seems pretty unrealistic though. guys being guys all they really think about are beautiful, topless girls. now hey. i am not saying i wouldn't strip down naked. just not in the middle of no where in front of a camera.

you surprised me as well though. i thought you would have been tied to these girls who were displaying so much skin but when i came back you kept muttering how you were bored and were sitting by yourself a lot of the time. i respect that because i didn't expect you to be like that. thanks for proving me wrong.

what i am trying to say is that it's not that i don't think i'm pretty. and i am also not trying to sound cocky either. this is what just goes through my mind. and this mind is a mind of a 17 year old high schooler.

Friday, January 22, 2010

it's all about luck.

people give me way too much credit sometimes. whether it's with my photography, my filming, my singing, my playing, and even my writing. want to know what's crazy? i have gotten so many honesty box messages saying my blog is inspirational and they read it every day. but here is the truth. i honestly have NO idea what i am doing half the time. i just...go with it. i don't plan anything, and i don't know for sure if it's ever going to work out. i luck out. sometimes it's too easy. you know? now i am not being modest. i love a lot of my work. but sometimes i don't think i deserve the glory and praise. i mean there are people out there who have been working on things for YEARS and here is me...a girl who has never taken lessons with...well...anything. i think it's just a self discovery thing. i have found out that if you want to do something you will be able to do it. it just depends on how hard you try and focus.

sometimes i think i am way to much of a dreamer. you know? disconnected from the real world? i seem to get by. but like i said a lot of the things i do are based on chance. i don't plan. and if you know me you know how completely true that is. what if one day i fail and everything well falls apart? i don't know. even with these blogs i am surprised at what comes up. i never plan what i am going to say. i just click new post and start typing away. everything is spur of the moment.

speaking of which...i have decided i am going to make a movie. you can laugh at me all you want but it's going to happen. and it's going to be a legit movie. i have connections and once again i am lucky. but i am going to take full advantage of these connections. i would be giving up a chance of a life time if i didn't. so here is what i have so's rough. really rough. bare with me.

it's a war movie. and it focuses on this one guy who is secretly gay and it's been an ongoing battle for a while now. somehow the rest of his team finds out (maybe by reading his journal or reading his letters) and once they do they start to discriminate against him. saying the war is a man's thing and that a queer isn't a man. i was also thinking that there might be one supporting character the one who sticks by him through it all. you know how people in the army are usually pretty religious? i mean there are the christians who just decide to be religious because they know they may die any minute (which could be the ones that go against the guy) but the supporting character will be the real christian. the only one who accepts him. (now i am not intending on making it a christian film. this will just be a small point the keeps the story going.) so all these people are not for this gay guy in the war and maybe to end it all there could be a huge battle at the end against an enemy and all the guys shy away except for this guy and he ends up saving all their lives and dying in the process.

i don't know. that's what i have so far. i was thinking for interesting plot lines that his dad is either a super strict general or a super religious pastor. and i was also thinking of tying in a black guy who people are still racist towards and at the end when the gay guy dies everyone realizes how great of a warrior he actually was and that they shouldn't have discriminated him. so the death of the guy makes them realize they should let the black guy apart of the team and family and in the end it's a happy moment.

i know. you're all going to laugh. but i am going to make it happen. i just have to.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

what i like about you.

what i like about you.

you're complex. which is refreshing because a lot of guys tend to take the easy route. you on the other hand try to think of every factor. it will do you well. i promise. don't think of it as a curse.

you're artistic. which means your easy to connect with...well for me at least. i relate with artistic minds.

you're open. you don't hate anyone and honestly that's pretty surprising. it's hard to find people these days who try and like every single person. you give everyone a chance.

you're a child at heart. you seem to be convinced these days that you are an old man trapped inside the body of a teenager but when i first met you you told me that you we're a child at heart. and trust me. you still are and always will be. don't let go of that. you don't need to.

you're quiet. well. not really. but you don't strive for attention. seeing as the people i hang out with are the people who are constantly competing for the spotlight that's probably why i would rather have hung out with YOU instead.

you're realistic. i mean you don't try to be perfect. you don't really try to impress anybody...well most of the time. you're just you.

i know what this looks like. it looks like i haven't gotten over it but i swear to you i am doing great. i am not upset i promise. i am surprised to be honest. i just want to remind myself WHY i like you or liked you. you know so i don't forget? cheers to the past and a toast to the future, yeah?

it smells like rain.

notice the reflections that appear when it rains?
maybe it's just a reminder that there is two sides to everything.
let's keep that in mind as we frolic with the rain.
i don't take well to compliments. it's that i don't enjoy them, trust me. i do. every artist strives for them. i just don't know how with them.

what's on my mind right now?

confusion. my thoughts aren't organized right now...i'll get back to you.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

you're near.

it was weird. last night at like...2 in the morning i woke up with a crazy instinct for a song. so i went right along to it. this is one of the few i actually wrote down. another problem i have. i write a lot of songs but i forget to right them down which means i eventually, well, forget them. but maybe those are the ones that aren't important? who knows. alright here it is. well the lyrics at least.

i like it when you whisper in my ear
you tell me all the things i wanna hear
plus you're near.

i like it when you say that everything is clear
it shows me that i have nothing to fear
cause you're near

and everytime i have a tear
i know that you will always be right here
cause you're near

obviously friends it's a work in progress...and it was written at 2 in the morning. but it's about the meaning. everybody feels safe when that "person" is near...i mean unless they have a knife in their hand...

realistic romantic.

i don't really know how i feel right now.
it's not that i feel numb...
it's kinda that i am just going with it. which is what i always do.
a part of me feels excited for what's about to come. and how i'm gonna grow as an independent individual. but the other part of me is striving for someone else to share it with me. i don't know if it's with you or with someone else. anybody else.

maybe no one.

i hate not knowing. i think that is the one thing every human flaws with. the ability to not know what is going to happen next...ever. don't get me wrong. it's exciting and i feed off the fun it brings but think about it...if we knew what was going to happen the world would be a better place. none of these disasters would happen. we could prevent ourselves from getting involved with love because we know it will eventually lead to loss. that is until we find the right person...

sorry. i am getting trapped in my imagination again. please don't look at me as a romantic. or even a realist. i guess i am just a realistic romantic.

ok. that isn't true either. a realistic romantic doesn't exist. we always tell ourselves that we know better than to let another person hurt ourselves. but when you're in love you don't look at the bad things that could happen. you refuse to. not that i would know...i am not sure whether or not i've been in love anymore. i love though. which is good enough for now.

alright. i gotta get my head out of the clouds. it's time for homework.

Monday, January 18, 2010

wherever there's clouds, there's gonna be rain.

they say that whenever it rains people's minds are trapped in confusion.
maybe that explains things.
well if that is true then this is going to be a very confusing week.

it's an end. welcome to my mind.

i don't think i handle things right. not that it's necessarily bad...
i guess after all that has happened i didn't get the chance to act immature.
i am selfishly unselfish.
it's not that i don't care. because i do. but a lot of my life i have never had any power. if i saw something happen then that was that. it's an end. i never thought about it.
when people say...something i never thought about the possibility that maybe, just maybe their mind could change.
but the thing is people's minds are always changing because NO ONE is ever sure about, well, anything. there is always some form of hesitation. or some form of the "what if" that may come around later after the decision has been made.

what is going through my mind right now.

i will not be taken a d v a n t a g e of.

from here on i am not letting ANYONE l i m i t myself. i am included in this as well.

i have no time to w a s t e. i don't care what anyone says. if i want something i have just as equal of a chance to get it as the rest of the world does.

people have no idea what they are doing. and if it looks like they do i can guarantee they don't but the fact that they took the leap makes it worthwhile. i want to take the l e a p. what do i have to lose?

i c a r e about what you think about me. but it doesn't mean i'm going to alter myself for your likings.

i d e s e r v e more. and honestly after this i am not coming back. and i mean it. the decision is now in your hands. i can be here for you if you just l e t m e. but if you don't then there is no way i can help.

we went through the same thing. which is why we bonded so well because we both...u n d e r s t o o d. but the difference is i know i am ready. honestly. i could have skipped the whole rebound thing. i know that isn't right but...i don't do things right. people don't believe me but i could have had a relationship. maybe not so soon. maybe not with you. but maybe with you.

but on that note i don't r e g r e t being with you. at all. i just regret the way i have l e t y o u treat me a couple times. i have been there for you...but you haven't been there for me. i w i s h. i just wish you could be. it's a two way deal.

i don't n e e d you. but i do w a n t you.

i n e e d you. but you don't w a n t me. not yet anyways. but i am sure about the possibilities with us. your eyes. we could have something beautiful.

i can never be a l o n e. maybe i should fix this before reality hits again. or maybe i should grasp on more than ever.

i feel sick.

i also feel unnoticed. i want to show the world what i've got. don't underestimate me. my time is coming...get ready to be surprised.

don't get me wrong. i don't want you to leave. at all.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

one last chance.

he said he needs me.
and that he didn't realize how strongly i felt about him...
but that when he did he realized how much i meant to him as well.
he said i won't regret it if i gave him one more chance.

what is there to lose?
we all get hurt in life.
why should we limit ourselves?
shouldn't we grasp onto the things that make us happy?

that's what i am going to do for now.

all i can do is trust him...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

heads or tails?

should i toss the coin?
heads: stay with you or tails: move on to something new?
should i toss the coin?
heads: stay with where we are or tails: just go...somewhere far?

do i want to take the chance again?
it's all good for now and then?
will things just disappear?
for reasons that aren't really clear...

but then again i like you...
i just am unsure of what to do.
honestly...i think i'm just afraid
just afraid you might not stay...

Sunday, January 3, 2010

some of the best times. some of the worst times.

January: this was it. everything i prepared myself for the past 5 months was going to be taken into action. i was proud of myself. i had proven myself wrong. my whole life i had let myself convince myself that i would never become a dancer. it was the first time i felt like i was one of them and i was finally going to be apart of the family i wanted so badly to become apart of. then the tests for knowledge came along...good bye everything i worked for. hello new depression. have you ever worked so hard for something and then had it ripped away from you? this was also the time i was betrayed by my best friend. i had a huge crush on this boy who i now consider one of my best friends. but it was a big deal for me. she stole his heart...kind of. i was jealous. i wanted him to look at me the same way he looked at her. i was mad that she lied to me. but i was to much of a wimp to stand up for myself and say something. january was a hard month.

February: i was still depressed about the show. this was also the month i came into realization about one of my best friends. and then she disappeared. i hated her. i hated the way she treated me. i always felt like i was being judged...and i thought that was normal. i guess being apart of them i always felt like i was being judged. like i could never fully be myself because if i ever did exhibit myself i would be shut down. it was easier for me to be a fake person and accepted rather than the real me and denied. i didn't know who the real me was. but i faked it. it seemed real for a while. i also started dance class and 5 year olds. the only difference was that i was alone. while i was here training as i had been for half of the year my friends were out there actually putting the training to use.

March: i was torturing myself. not physically but emotionally. i had to film the things i couldn't even face to see in person. i had to document. and whenever i document i am forced to put myself into it in a way that no one will ever imagine or understand. that's art right? who knows. this made it harder for me to get over. i was just counting down for when this whole mess would be over. the show i was once in love with had developed a new feeling inside of me. it was a mixture of hate, hopefulness, and jealousy. you can't even imagine what it's like to film my friends, the ones i love, doing what I should be doing. the hardest thing was that it was the first show i KNEW i could have handled. i was finally ready.

April/June: the first few weeks were upsetting. i was finally starting to try and figure out the real me. i hated them for a while. i couldn't even handle being in the same room as them. i don't know why. i think it's because i never fully felt accepted even though i was told by everyone that i was loved. maybe i let the jealously get over me. i tried sitting with new people each day. i sat with the asb kids for a while. then everything started getting better. i thought opening night for the show would be torture but it was the opposite. opening night i went to see the show with a boy i had been crushing on ever since he played drums at my birthday party. i considered it a date. i felt like i was in a movie. i would get really excited and start blushing and jumping up and down but then telling myself " isn't anything. we are just watching the show together. there will be hundreds of people surrounding us. what am i doing?" and that's just the thing. i didn't know what i was doing. it was exciting...but i was terrified. the night of opening night i was smiling the whole night. every time i heard his laugh i couldn't help but look at him and smile. i had started to admire that laugh. and when he gave me that wink i knew that i was entering something indescribable. when things started evolving i found myself happier than ever. this boy helped me figure out who i was. i don't think he realized it.

May: nothing really big happened in may. i was finally starting to realize what it meant to share a life with someone. i was finally adjusted to the life as me and him. i really lucked out with him. he was the best first high school relationship for me. he didn't pressure me. he waited for me. he respected me. and just by doing those things i knew that he really did care for me if he was able to go against his human boy nature. it meant a lot. i was finally starting to open up to him and it was a big deal for me. i was smitten.

June: i was ready for summer already. i was kind of afraid because i knew i wouldn't be seeing him everyday but i was excited because i thought finally he wouldn't be busy with school and we could just have me and him time. the time i had grown to depend on. seeing all the seniors graduate was hard for many reasons. the people who had helped me through the crazy "depression" (who would have guessed i would need them even more later?) and also it really made me realize that he was a year older than me. i knew it wouldn't last forever because he would eventually graduate and go to change the world with his astounding talent. i mean. i knew it wouldn't last forever. which is good. but wait. we aren't there yet...summer started. movie nights. summer school.

July: i was happy. summer school wasn't to bad. i don't really remember what happened in every individual month of summer. i sort of just clumped summer together. i wasn't seeing him everyday but it was ok because when i did get to see him we spent the whole night together. i was just happy to have him.

August: i went to the place i consider my second home. it looked's getting worse and better at the same time. this was really the time i let my artistic side take complete control of me. i was upset some of the time because i missed him so i had to let my art take the wheel. it opened my eyes. all the times i had been complaining at home, i just looked at the world here. it got me excited because i realized that there was a whole other world out there. everything is different. a lot of the time i got jealous because he was off doing other things and i was afraid that he didn't miss me half as much as i missed him. maybe he just didn't show it as much or didn't want to admit it. i don't really understand. dog birthday parties, days at the beach, baking cookies, watching movies. this was also the month i did the musical theatre workshop...i loved it more than everyone else. it was the first time i felt apart of something like that again. i can't explain it. you will only get it if you have been in a show. i then went to camp. i missed him...but not as much as i did before. every time i go up there i become a new person. it's a refreshing escape from the real world. this world up here seems unreal. everyone is nice to each other. there is no hate. imagine a world without hate. unrealistic right? this is when i also gained more self confidence in myself. there was this boy who for some reason started to like me while i was here. he was older and extremely attracted. i guess this is when i started realizing that boys DID notice me. i started to feel attractive and that has made all the difference. who knew that having confidence in yourself could do that? this was also the month of his birthday. i get excited for birthdays...especially his. i didn't know what to do. a picnic seemed like a good idea. i was afraid he wouldn't like it. this was one of the few presents i have given that actually...meant something to me.

September: school started up again. i entered into the new school year confident. i had an amazing boy and a taylor swift dress to start the new school year. also new boots to keep my cell phone in. the fall musical was coming up fast but boy was i ready. i just wanted a chance to shine. i knew i was ready. i got excited. i had convinced my mind. i gave myself false hope. i knew i was going to get into the show. after getting into comedy sportz (which was/is the best thing in my life) i was confident. but alas i didn't get in. i was upset for little while but then bigger things came and it was the least of my worries. everything started to fall apart. my mom started acting weird. i didn't want to jump to conclusions. then i found out that the monster was back. the one i thought was cured for good.

October: it was bad. she was bad. she was losing it. coming into my room crying saying she had lost control. the demons had possessed her...she thought she was seeing demons again. everything flashed back to 6th grade when i would walk into her room and find her on the floor with no shirt on, screaming for the pain to go away. she would ask for me to help. i didn't do anything. and ever since that day i had regretted it. so this time when she came to me i felt like i had to do something. i comforted her. she was crying in my arms. i thought this was normal. i didn't feel comfortable but what do you do if your mom comes into your room crying begging for help? you aren't going to shut the door. my dad was fed up. she kept betraying him. every time she stole his drugs he fell less in less out of love with her...and she has stolen them a lot. just do the math. i couldn't handle my mom's problem. but i felt like i could handle the divorce because everything seemed easier with him. then he left...he left. i was left to fend for myself. i had gotten so use to the life with him that it was hard to battle everything by myself. then he got with another girl. his best friend. the same girl i was always jealous of during our relationship. that was more than i can handle. i have to walk the other way every time i see him doing the things he used to do with me...with her. i was mad. i was hurt. i was sad. i was confused. he just left as if it was nothing. i was selfish. but how could i not be? i had to think of myself. i couldn't afford to think of anyone else but me otherwise there would no longer be a me. my mom left too. it seemed that everyone was leaving. i was afraid to open up to anyone. i made a really good friend through all this with one text message i sent. i was glad i did. i felt myself leaning on this kid. we were barely friends before and here i was telling him everything...just breaking down to him. he helped me through everything. he was my support. the support that i needed after austin left. i also made a new brother. this brother didn't always know exactly what to say but he always did small things that fixed things. he was there for me. i know he was overwhelmed because he didn't know what to do. he was caught in the middle because i know the boy who left was his best friend but he also had to see what his best friend was doing to me. but i couldn't help it. i wasn't thinking about anyone else. i just couldn't. i'm sorry. i feel like i broke up their friendship but i needed this brother...i don't regret falling on him. i trust him and always will. there was also a couple girls who helped me through it all as well. i didn't realize how alone i WASN'T actually. as i type this. i was lucky to have them. one girl is someone i always go to for guy advice. i have always adored her and she has always been there for me. another girl wasn't here anymore but she was always here. does that make sense? physically she wasn't in my presence but emotionally she was always there for me. and the last girl is the girl who smacks sense into me. she tells me the truth. she also tried to bring religion into it. the one thing i looked past this whole thing. thank you everybody. and i'm sorry...for everything.

November: i was coping. i was getting through it all. i had let myself to develop a crush on this one boy during hell week of the apple tree. it was the same boy i had always had a crush on...for a while. but then what happened in january happened again. with one of the girls who had always been there for me. the only girl i also told about the last time this situation happened. i was mad because i knew what was going to happen. girl likes boy. boy falls for girl harder than girl wanted. girl doesn't actually end up wanting boy. boy is sad. it isn't her fault though. she just didn't want what he wanted. and i knew that from the beginning. i WAS mad. really mad because it happened again. all my chances were ruined and i was hurt. but then i met another boy...and i am glad i did. he made me happy. happier than i had been for a while. i was hesitant at first...i wasn't sure if i was ready to like another boy after everything. i was also afraid because it was HER ex. i didn't want drama with her. i don't want drama with anyone. i was afraid of how she would react. so i convinced myself that i didn't like him. but then he started to like me and we went to see the apple tree closing night and that was when i realized that i liked him. and i started to freak out. and then she found out that we had been talking and encouraged me to go for it. said i'd be crazy not to. said we were looking for the same thing. i was afraid i would be the rebound and that he wasn't ready...but almost everyone convinced me that he was. i think they did believe he was at the time. and so i went against my gut and convinced myself as well...and being with him i had more fun that i had ever had before. he was different than the boy who broke my heart. he acted like he wanted to talk to me. he would initiate the conversations felt nice. i felt for the first time ever that he liked me just as much as i liked him. we had a lot of fun during thanksgiving break. we opened up to each other.

December: this is usually my favorite month. this year it wasn't. it wasn't bad. but it just wasn't what i always set it up to be. my birthday wasn't great. i thought it was going to be. he ended things with me. i was confused because he said he still liked me and i still liked him. i refused to believe it was over. i just had a feeling. he just wasn't over her. and then i hung out with the boy i had always had a crush on (the same boy that she thought she liked.) we went to see christmas lights and i had an amazing time. we were flirting. i know we were. though he denied it to her (because he told me he wanted to try again with her. why would he admit to her that he sort of liked me?) then i hung out with her ex. we went to the drama party together. everyone was confused...just as much as i was. i didn't know what was going on but i went with it. then she told me to go for the other boy (christmas lights boy. is this confusing? yeah. me too.) and that the one i still liked wasn't stable and it wasn't a good idea. she said he was to experienced for me and he most likely was. i didn't listen. i knew i would get hurt. i mean...everybody gets hurt in life. but i knew that he made me happy and for now the only thing i could do was grasp onto the things that made me happy and just never let go. so we started things up again. and it went really well for a while. but i have a problem. i get too attached to people easily. me and him did more things than me and my first love did. well i mean we did it more intensely. we didn't go far. but because we did things so intense i got even more attached. it would hurt to much to just let it be nothing. i couldn't handle it to just be nothing. i didn't want this just to be a rebound. i couldn't handle it because of how attached i got. but then they talked again. he got all shook up. i didn't understand what she possibly could have said that got him like this. so i went with it. then new years eve...THEY were there. the couple i can barely walk past was at the same part as me. same room. same friends. i was freaking out. i couldn't handle it. i started to break down. and the thing i hadn't felt like this for a while. i needed him. but he said his parents wouldn't let him out. i was upset. i needed the support. but i got through it. it was hard and i was relieved when they left. i know they were laughing at me at one point. i don't know if they were making fun of me or not. but it was hard. then the next day i found out that he lied to me...he went to the party where SHE was at. i wasn't mad that he went to the party. i was mad that he lied to me. i was hurt. i needed him more than he knows/knew. it's just...after all the times i was there for him he couldn't be there for me this one time. he was probably afraid i would tell him it was a stupid thing to do. and it was. she is done with him as sad as it and he just keeps trying to push himself in. nobody knows why he is doing this. i mean. he is acting normal. as any person would in this situation. but he could make it easier on himself if he tried...really tried. i just don't know what to do. i want to help him. oh well. here i am. i don't know what's going to happen next. i really don't.

here's to 2009. some of the best times. some of the worst times.

Friday, January 1, 2010

and the waves just keep coming.

i keep walking forward. the sand smashing between my toes i head straight for the ocean.
for a while i'm able to stay above but then the waves keep getting bigger and bigger.
what can little me do?
not saying i am little...well compared to the ocean everything is little.
you're my board. you're there in the beginning as i make my way forward but then the waves tore us apart. we were both left to fend for ourselves when we both realized we needed each other. some how we both managed to find each other again. i hold on tightly this time, as do you. you're the only thing keeping me afloat in this ocean. there is no way we can survive on our own. we both need each other.

but another wave came...

where are you now?

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