Sunday, April 3, 2011

here's the deal world...

here's the deal world, i have finally realized that i'm dealing with some sort of depression.

i will be completely sad for no reason. and i will feel like i have to make up a reason just to justify my sadness. but i'm sick of that. i'm just sad. i don't have any reason. i wish i did, it would make more sense. but i just don't.

everyday is a different day. one day i will wake up feeling happy and hopeful (rare but it happens.) and other days i will wake up just the same. i constantly feel like i'm not in reality. that i'm on drugs and that everything is a dream. it's just really scary. i seriously feel like i'm going crazy at times.

i do have amazing friends. and amazing family. but it's really hard to realize.

here's what happened:

i had two friends over after fullerton and we were watching a movie. i felt completely sad. so i started tweeting sad things. then another friend of mine came to pick up my friend and i forgot he followed me on twitter. so when he asked how i was doing i completely lost it and started crying and freaking out admitting out of no where that i thought i was dealing with depression.

it was pretty bad that i needed my best friend to come over. he came over and just held me as we talked about life. and just really serious things.

i think the main thing i'm dealing with is that i'm lonely. not in a "gah why don't i have a boyfriend" kind of way but in the kind of way where every single minute of the day, no matter who i am with, i feel completely and utterly alone in this world. that when i'm in a group of people, they wouldn't care if i was there or not.

i guess my blog is more than just a weezer lyric and it seems to fit perfectly into my life right now: what's the deal with my brain?

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