Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I only post on here when I have something on my mind that I desperately need sorted out.

I got a call from my sister yesterday about a conversation/argument her and my mom had. Somehow I was dragged into it when I desperately wished they would just leave me out of it. I answered the phone and the first thing that was said, "Are you insecure about your weight?" I frowned as I scratched my head. Where in the world was this coming from. "What? No..." Do I wish I were healthier and maybe a little more fit? Sure. Who doesn't? But I don't think I need to lose weight. "Oh that's funny because Mom said that you said that you're insecure about your weight and now Mom is crying because she said her two daughters are getting fat and are not happy with their bodies." As always I didn't know what to say because this was not a conversation I wanted to be having. "Um no...I don't know what she's talking about. I have never ever once said anything of the sort." Literally I have never said anything about my weight or body to my mother...See what I have to deal with? Random phone calls like these. "Mom also said that you said that you think I'm fat." WHAT? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? "I have never said that, Mckenzie. I don't think that. I don't understand why you're calling me..." Everyone always asks me why I never answer the is my justification. "I'm calling you because Mom is saying all these crazy things about you and I wanted to make sure you didn't think you were fat because you totally aren't. She also said that Madison isn't as tiny as she looks and that she has a belly."

Ah. So the truth finally came out. My mom was putting words in our mouths in order to justify what SHE was thinking about us. It's a horrible thing. For 18 years I was living in a household with people who were always quick to tell me exactly what I did wrong but that very rarely glorified me for what I did right. Everything I thought was wrong. Everything I liked was wrong. All the guys I was attracted to was wrong. I lived under a roof where I was constantly trying to be conformed to the Madison Swart that everybody wished I could be instead of the Madison Swart that I was.

And I still wonder why I rely so heavily upon the reassurance of others? Because I let myself become brainwashed by the people I figured knew me well...Instead of just trusting myself and standing up for who I was. Now here I am...separated from my family...but still not completely able to trust myself. I question every single decision. The only time I'm reassured is when I get that nod of approval from other people.


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