Saturday, August 31, 2013

The Lack of Logic

When people ask if you're okay, they usually don't want to really hear the REAL answer. They want to hear that you're fine. Because everyone believes that once you admit you have a problem and once you start dealing with that problem, the problem is immediately solved.

But the issue with that belief is that sometimes we don't know what our specific problem is. And that's where it gets complicated. The word trigger is tossed around when dealing with depression but my issue is, is that I don't know what my triggers are because I don't fucking know what my problem is. What's the cause of it? Why is it crashing upon me now? What's the trigger? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

Everyone tells me that I have every reason to be feeling this way, to finally be hitting my crashing point. What with everything that has gone on with my family, the divorce, the selling of the house, everything, everything, EVERYTHING...logically these events can trigger sadness. And it's so easy and so logical to blame this intense sadness on these events and my past.

But feelings aren't logical and my sadness certainly has no logic. I feel like my heart is broken, this sadness is deep inside the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it's coming from and it's just a huge cloud of confusion mixed with feelings that I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel this sadness and this confusion and this frustration of not understanding. The frustration of the lack of logic.

I'm an expert escapist. I've been doing it skillfully for the past 3 years. Avoiding feelings...avoiding relationships and just pretending. Why do I love movies and TV shows? Because they allow me to feel without having to deal with the actual consequences of putting my guard down. Escaping is cheating. But why would I put my guard down just so people can continue to take advantage of me? I had to put my guard up because I was living in a family where I had to defend myself. Where my flaws, my insecurities, my reactions where used as weapons against me in arguments of war. I don't enter battlefields where I know the odds are against me. So I surrender. Because that's easier than dealing with the pain.

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