i'm really confused. about everything. certain events have taken place these past few days that have really forced me to become...cautious. before if anything happened to me that upset me or that i was confused about i would text people. usually one person. but now i've had to stop. and it's really weird. because i used to logic myself out and figure things out by talking to other people. but now i'm getting turned against it. it's really hard. to restrain myself from texting. from needing help. or asking for help. because i don't know who else to ask. or who else to talk to. who i could be hurting or affecting by talking about this crazy shit to.

i'm just a basket case.

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him.

i don't want to use this as an excuse...

i don't want to use this as an excuse but, i'm sorry if i haven't been acting like myself lately. i am not myself. at all. i wish i could be and i am desperately trying. but if i've been meaner or anything i just get annoyed about everything. and everyone. so i just want to say sorry now but just cut me some slack i guess.

i wish it was that easy to go back to being happy. it's just everything that used to make me happy just makes me annoyed. i don't like to take pictures anymore. or write. or sing. or dance. or film. or improv. or anything.

i used to get excited about the littlest things which is how i got through the day. but now i don't do that.

i remember this time last year crying so much for not getting into a senior scene. and now here i am directing a scene that is going to be amazing.
i don't think i've ever had so much confidence in something than i do about this scene.

i have been wanting to do this scene since freshman year. i've been wanting to sing the parts of diana since freshman year.

i really want to give people an opportunity. i feel like that's the key to this department. most of the people that make it in the drama world are people who have had opportunities. also it's probably because of talent. but i feel like there are those few people who make it into the show or comedy sportz who were sort of just randomly chosen or taken a chance of. and of course they end up doing well because they are gaining experience and practice.

the only thing i am excited for is senior scenes. aka I Love You Because.

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

you know how in "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" bromden talks about a fog that's in his mind?
that is exactly what i feel.
i can't explain anything.

i always just feel numb. and tired. even though i still sleep the same.
i am just not myself.

i don't know when the last time i've taken a picture that wasn't for la vista was.
i usually write a new song everyday. i haven't in a week. which i know doesn't sound like a big deal. but it is.
i don't like going on driving adventures anymore.
i don't like anything.

i'm excited for two specific people to come home. which is the only thing i can think about that's making me excited.

i'm really scared. i'm going to see a therapist on monday. i'll let you know what it's like.

i'm trying. but it's really hard. i need to get better. it's controlling and ruining my life.

my parents don't understand. whenever i bring it up they go "oh i thought that was gone." or "oh i thought it as over?" and "oh that's still happening?"

friends.

i know i've been talking about all the bad things that happen to me but can i just take a moment to thank my friends?

i just want to say how extremely grateful i am and i feel like i don't give my friends enough credit. and i'm sorry. when i say i feel lonely and unloved, i never realized how much that puts down my friends.

did you know i have a friend who comes over whenever i need him to and he just holds me while i cry? seriously. he's the person i text almost every day just being sad and he still continues to be there for me. even though it's probably hard for him. he's even going with me to see a therapist next week because i'm scared. how many friends would do that?

i also have a friend who i texted today saying i was upset and she was like "i'm coming over and we're watching gossip girl." and we did. that was exactly what i needed. to act normal even when things aren't normal.

another friend i have, this was a while ago, but i remember being really sick and complaining about how my mom doesn't take me to the doctor. he offered to go with me. i don't think i'll ever forget that. that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever offered. it's also the same boy who went with me to get my ears pierced.

i also texted someone today out of the blue asking if one day we could just talk. me and this person rarely talk and in fact it's the same person i said some mean things about over formspring and even after everything he agreed to talk with me. who does that? i don't deserve that.

i also have this new sort of friend. we've been friends since last year and just started talking after danny's party. i told him everything yesterday about my life and just in these past few days he's been there for me more than my other friends have been. he gets it and makes me feel a little less crazy.

it's insane what kind of people are out there for you. really.

there are also friends who have just seen my very upsetting tweets and have just texted me about it. i mean, i don't respond but i really do appreciate them.

thank you all for being understanding about my misunderstandings.

i'm sorry if i am not a great friend. or if i hurt you. or if i'm mean to you. i swear to god it's unintentional.

"bad moments"

i just had one of my "bad moments" as i'd like to call them. they don't make sense at all. but this time around i tried to pay attention to what really happens when i go through these "bad moments" and to analyze how i really feel. this is what i came up with.

i feel numb.
my hands tingle.
my mind can't seem to focus on one thing. like a broken lens in a sense fluttering to focus.
my ears ring.
i feel sick sometimes.
i zone out. i'll stare at one spot for a really long time.
i feel sad. completely sad.
and completely alone.
i do and say stupid things.
and then regret them when i'm quote on quote normal.

the crazy thing is, is that these come out of no where for the most part.
i have no reasoning.
and it's absolutely confusing.
my mind is just crazy and scattered all the time.
i really have lost sense of reality in a way.

my words of advice. (about the mira costa drama world.)

a story: for those who feel discouraged, will feel discouraged, or have ever felt discouraged.

freshman year i entered this drama room thinking i knew shit. i was the lead in all my shows in middle school and i thought that counted for something in the "real world". apparently not.

i tried out for comedy sportz. didn't get in.
i tried out for assassins. didn't get in.
tried out for beauty and the beast. didn't get in.
worked crew. best time of my life. i learned a lot. more than i do being in the shows to be honest.

the next year.

tried out for comedy sportz. didn't get in.
tried out for the elephant man. GOT in. was a pinhead. it was all very...weird. and scary. loved it.
tried out for crazy for you. GOT in. had to drop. it was the worst thing that's happened to me.

junior year
tried out for comedy sportz. GOT in. changed my life forever. seriously. without it i probably wouldn't be here.
tried out for the apple tree as a cocky little bitch who assumed she was going to get in because i got into everything last year. didn't get in.
tried out for the wiz. GOT in. met my best friends.

senior year:
still got on to comedy sportz.
tried out for the dining room as a cocky little bitch who assumed she was going to get in because she was a senior and had enough talent. didn't get in.
tried out for all shook up. got in. just had...fun.

i have a point for all of this.

i haven't gotten into A LOT of things. and i mean a lot. and if i would have just given up after the first time i didn't get into something i wouldn't have gotten into even MORE things. i think auditioning is the best thing you can do. if you don't get in, i guarantee you will learn something from it.

freshman year: when i didn't get into comedy sportz i realized i knew very little about improv and needed to sit back and figure out what it really was.
when i didn't get into assassins i realized how this department worked. you really had to earn your way in, you don't just get in.

i got into the elephant man because i did a monologue that wasn't me at all. and i got into crazy for you because i worked my butt off. i took about 3 tap classes a week just to insure i'd get into the show.

when you don't get into something the best thing you can do is realize why you didn't get in. and don't be that little bitch who is like "it's because i'm too good for them".

and also don't be that little bitch who feels self pity and takes it personally.

if you seriously sit back and realize what you can do better and what you need to work on. maybe you're not a strong singer, take singing lessons. (the smart thing to do would be to take singing lessons from the vocal director. hint. hint.) focus on the things that aren't good rather than praising yourself for the things you are already good at.

if you want to be in one of the mira costa shows here is my advice to you: whether you're someone who is on crew who is wishing they could be up there doing that, whether you're someone in band who is wishing they could be doing that, or whether you're someone in the audience who is wishing you could be doing that: you seriously CAN. i am proof of that. if you work your butt off. make yourself known to the director. show that you have improved. TAKE CLASSES. you CAN.

even if you've been a lead keep taking classes. always always always be taking classes otherwise you can't keep up. you'll be left behind.

so here is my word of advice. always be observing. always be learning. and always be taking something out of everything.

a lot of my outside drama friends come up to me and say "i wish i could do the show." or "i wish i was in drama." i always say, "well, you should. why not?" they always look at me in laugh. don't be shy. you seriously have nothing to lose. if you think not getting in is losing then you didn't take the advice i just gave. not getting in is a reason to get ahead. prepare for what's coming next. prove everyone wrong. prove yourself wrong. dare to be different. it's a lot of fun. i promise. it's what will keep you sane.

next to normal...but still abnormal.

the other night i walked into my dad's office and he was listening to a song from next to normal. He was crying and writing in his journal. i didn't interrupt him and the music was so loud that he didn't notice me. the last time i had listened to next to normal was when i saw it in new york with my dad and my sister. after that show he was in a weird mood. and he kept repeating how close to home this show was.

so today i finally loaded the cd onto my computer and my phone and just listened.

this totally resembles my family's life. of course, it's not exactly the same and a bit more exaggerated but look at this.

after me and my sister were born and growing up my parents decided they wanted another kid. the first time they tried i was about 6 or 7 i believe. it worked. she got pregnant. but then she had a miscarriage. i remember her being really sad but not understanding the situation. everything was weird for a little while. we got hyped up and then...nothing. so they tried again. i don't know how old i was. probably 8. i'm not sure how big the gap was but that's not the point. so she got pregnant again and everyone was happy again after being a little cautious at first. then she had another miscarriage. fortunately, the third try was a success and gave way to my brother, max.

but i've never thought about how emotional it really is to lose a baby. not mention once, but twice. even if it was a miscarriage. when i was younger and i first heard about the miscarriages i was just like "oh no big deal! we can just have another one."

my mom started her addiction after my brother was born and that was when she started to lose her sanity. i just now made the connection that the emotional distraught from the miscarriages could have something to do with it.

i'm now curious as to what went through her mind when max was born. what about the other 2? what if i fail with this one? i mean. i wonder if she ever thinks about it now.

i don't know anything about miscarriages. whether they are common or not. whether they can affect someone's life forever or not. this is just me trying to tie connections together.

another crazy thought. i am a christian so this is my christian way of thinking right now: i wonder if i have two other brothers or sisters up there in heaven? are they still considered swarts?

it's all crazy.

a complete waste of time.

i owe a huge apology to a lot of people. a lot of people i have hurt within these past few weeks. a lot of people i have led on. a lot of people i have stopped talking to. a specific person i said mean things about. so i'm sorry. that is where i want to start for now.

i'm going to start writing in my blog regularly about everything.

my life pretty much sucks right now.

all my best friends are dating people. and a specific close friend is dating someone i don't think he should be dating.

i am extremely jealous. or maybe that's not the word. i think scared is the right word. i have opened up myself emotionally to this person. every other guy i have ever been this honest with i was dating. and they all ended up leaving me. so i thought it would be safe to open up to this guy because we weren't in any way romantically linked. and it was working out for a really long time. this is the first time i've ever felt completely safe with a guy. i was never worried about him leaving me because we weren't dating. but now he's dating a girl and i am absolutely scared shitless. every time i see them together i see us growing apart. because now i'm not the only girl. she is a priority over me. she's his GIRLFRIEND. i'm just the FRIEND. let's be honest here, he'd probably much rather be spending his time making out with her rather than listening to me complain or cry or talk about music and bands and silly things like that. and this is definitely effecting my view on her and i wish i had better control over it. i bet she's a nice girl but i automatically just resent and despise her. when i see her with him i can't help but only think really mean things about her. and that makes me feel so horrible.

it's not that i'm jealous that he has someone. or that they all have someone. i thought that was the issue. it's not. i don't want to like someone right now. i've tried. i really have. i just don't have the ability to like anybody right now.

i think it's a complete waste of time. we only have a few months left and i don't want to be spending my time getting to know a new person. that's all i'm going to be doing when i get to college. i want to spend my time with the people i've grown with over the years. the people that have already been apart of my life for awhile now. THEY are my priority. and it makes me frustrated that they don't see it the same way i do.

let's make the best of the time we have left together. pinky promise?