The Lack of Logic

When people ask if you're okay, they usually don't want to really hear the REAL answer. They want to hear that you're fine. Because everyone believes that once you admit you have a problem and once you start dealing with that problem, the problem is immediately solved.

But the issue with that belief is that sometimes we don't know what our specific problem is. And that's where it gets complicated. The word trigger is tossed around when dealing with depression but my issue is, is that I don't know what my triggers are because I don't fucking know what my problem is. What's the cause of it? Why is it crashing upon me now? What's the trigger? WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

Everyone tells me that I have every reason to be feeling this way, to finally be hitting my crashing point. What with everything that has gone on with my family, the divorce, the selling of the house, everything, everything, EVERYTHING...logically these events can trigger sadness. And it's so easy and so logical to blame this intense sadness on these events and my past.

But feelings aren't logical and my sadness certainly has no logic. I feel like my heart is broken, this sadness is deep inside the pit of my stomach. I don't know where it's coming from and it's just a huge cloud of confusion mixed with feelings that I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel this sadness and this confusion and this frustration of not understanding. The frustration of the lack of logic.

I'm an expert escapist. I've been doing it skillfully for the past 3 years. Avoiding feelings...avoiding relationships and just pretending. Why do I love movies and TV shows? Because they allow me to feel without having to deal with the actual consequences of putting my guard down. Escaping is cheating. But why would I put my guard down just so people can continue to take advantage of me? I had to put my guard up because I was living in a family where I had to defend myself. Where my flaws, my insecurities, my reactions where used as weapons against me in arguments of war. I don't enter battlefields where I know the odds are against me. So I surrender. Because that's easier than dealing with the pain.

I only post on here when I have something on my mind that I desperately need sorted out.

I got a call from my sister yesterday about a conversation/argument her and my mom had. Somehow I was dragged into it when I desperately wished they would just leave me out of it. I answered the phone and the first thing that was said, "Are you insecure about your weight?" I frowned as I scratched my head. Where in the world was this coming from. "What? No..." Do I wish I were healthier and maybe a little more fit? Sure. Who doesn't? But I don't think I need to lose weight. "Oh that's funny because Mom said that you said that you're insecure about your weight and now Mom is crying because she said her two daughters are getting fat and are not happy with their bodies." As always I didn't know what to say because this was not a conversation I wanted to be having. "Um no...I don't know what she's talking about. I have never ever once said anything of the sort." Literally I have never said anything about my weight or body to my mother...See what I have to deal with? Random phone calls like these. "Mom also said that you said that you think I'm fat." WHAT? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? "I have never said that, Mckenzie. I don't think that. I don't understand why you're calling me..." Everyone always asks me why I never answer the phone...here is my justification. "I'm calling you because Mom is saying all these crazy things about you and I wanted to make sure you didn't think you were fat because you totally aren't. She also said that Madison isn't as tiny as she looks and that she has a belly."

Ah. So the truth finally came out. My mom was putting words in our mouths in order to justify what SHE was thinking about us. It's a horrible thing. For 18 years I was living in a household with people who were always quick to tell me exactly what I did wrong but that very rarely glorified me for what I did right. Everything I thought was wrong. Everything I liked was wrong. All the guys I was attracted to was wrong. I lived under a roof where I was constantly trying to be conformed to the Madison Swart that everybody wished I could be instead of the Madison Swart that I was.

And I still wonder why I rely so heavily upon the reassurance of others? Because I let myself become brainwashed by the people I figured knew me well...Instead of just trusting myself and standing up for who I was. Now here I am...separated from my family...but still not completely able to trust myself. I question every single decision. The only time I'm reassured is when I get that nod of approval from other people.

EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO STOP BEING SAD. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND THE CURE FOR SADNESS?

The bad in each other.

When you're standing on the edge of a cliff there are a few things that can happen.

1. You jump.

2. You fall.

3. You're pushed.

4. The ground you are standing on crumbles.

Right now I'm on the edge of a cliff and the very foundations that I've been securely fastened upon for the last 19 years are crumbling. I am forced to fall into the unknown and all I can do is brace myself for what's at the bottom. Now let's be real, there is still a tiny bit left of me that is an optimist. I pray to god that part won't disappear. Most cliffs in reality end with a very abrupt end and let's be blunt: death. My cliff ends in the next stage of my life, for falling is just the scary transition.

I've come to the conclusion that divorce brings out the selfishness in everyone involved. Fuck, I must be a selfish bitch for sitting in this room blogging and watching the Golden Globes while my mom is crying on the couch in the other room to her friend. I'm the selfish child who moved away from her family. Who has it easy because she distanced herself and barely keeps in contact. But sometimes selfishness is the only coping mechanism that is left. I've been selfless for too long and now I need to heal.

Sadness is too easy of an emotion to feel and it's too difficult of an emotion to rid.