not one person in that little room is the same.

there was a point last night when me and laurel looked at each other and started crying. wanna know why?
freshman year. we wanted SO much to be like you guys. the babies. we were both constantly competing for your approval to be apart of your little group. i realize now how silly it was. we both stopped trying and that's when it happened.
i don't want any of you guys to leave. i thought it'd be fun to be a senior next year but you can guys can just stay and be seniors for us.
i was thinking this morning how sad it is that you guys won't be there to do piano man with us. or we will never do that crazy dancing while we practice rejoice after vocal warm up. or how we won't have our dance party every night before the second act. or how i will never be a munchkin again.
i wish i would have became friends with some of you sooner. it seems like we are running out of time.

on another note...
have you ever realized how the drama department basically bonds over emotions? i mean we are always feeling the same emotions. when someone goes up to perform and does really well we all get excited and happy. last night at energy circle we were all sad. when something bad happens to someone we want to be there for them. i think that's what makes us the family we are. they way that all these different people in this one little room can relate over emotions and feelings.

not one person in the drama department is the same.

i wish i would have got out all my crying last night because crying by myself sucks. i know we are all feeling the same way, so i'd much rather be crying with you guys instead of feeling alone.

time to start figuring it out.

well. it's over. first costa musical: check.
i am writing this at 3:43 in the morning, delirious and i am almost positive this blog won't make much sense. in fact i doubt anyone will actually read this whole thing. i never imagined i would be this sad for a junior show because i have two (hopefully next year). what i wasn't expecting was to be hanging out with the ones who are leaving this year so much. don't get me wrong. i am happy. i love everybody. but it's just sad.

hearing the senior speeches made me realize a few things. i don't want to be one of those people in the senior speeches who say "i regretted not hanging out with so and so..." This is my check list. It's simple and to the point.

People I want to reconnect with:
Kaila
Alysse
Laurel
and even Jordan
and Jack.

People I want to get to know better:
Charlie
Kendall
Oriana
Leo
Ron
Buster
Carly
Matt
Scott
Lucy

People I want to remain close with:
Bella
Jill
Jason
Kellianne
Kendall
Ben
Sarah M.

People I am going to miss:
Bella
Jill
Ben
Michael
Sarah(s)
Russell
Katy
Spencer
Lucy

I know I am forgetting people and I will continue to add people in. or i might just forget.

and now is the time where the "this is my blog and i am just going to come out and say what's on my mind" rule applies.

Things I want to accomplish:

Number 1. Be fucking drama president next year. god. i didn't think i wanted it this much until the end of last year. these past few weeks i have really been stressing about it. i have such good competition. wondering what to say in my speech. wondering how i could change the drama department if i even could. brainstorming ideas that might be good for the club next year. etc.
hell. i even did research. i never. ever. research. i am so surprised i don't know what came over me.
i looked up the requirements and what is expected of the thespian president. i scanned through the obvious ones that i already knew then there was one that really stuck out to me.

Is a model for the lower level students.

That's the main thing isn't it? The drama president is supposed to remind those who feel out of place or intimidated that this IS their family. that we are there for him.
obviously keeping things in order but it's to make sure everybody has a chance. to have faith in those who don't have enough faith in themselves. i really wish my freshman year i had a president like that.
it gets better each year though. matt added a lot of great ideas and was matt. sarah is a very good people person.

something else needs to get added on.

this seems like a good start to at least starting to figure out what to say in my speech. don't worry. i haven't given it all away.

why do i care so much about this drama department? i really do not understand. it's just weird.

2. Get at least a supporting role or a lead in the next show.

i hate hate hate.

i hate hate hate how girls can't flirt with boys without being accused of liking them.

there is a different between liking someone and being attracted to them.

i wish girls were able to hold hands with boys [who aren't gay or family] just in a friendly way.

i wish boys wouldn't assume that just because a girl flirts with you or is nice to you means that she is desperate and wants you. don't be thick. not all girls are like that.

I WANT BOY FRIENDS. not boyfriends. not hook ups either.

just BOYS. i mean i have my gang of boys but most of them are taken.

see i can't even get sympathy or be friendly with boys who are taken because it's considered "wrong"

Newsflash. I do not like you. I do not like anyone at the moment. Just because I am single and there are boys I hang out with that are single does NOT mean that i like them. That is the truth.

Of course there is attraction. Which is a whole different matter.

girls and boys need to be more in sync.

girls and girls need to be more in sync.

boys and boys have to stop being idiotic.

basically humans need to try and understand people before they start assuming.

that was my rant of the day.

to do.

things to do:
- get better so i can give my all with the show
- not give in to having the cast party at my house this year
- find a prom date i actually WANT to go with and will have fun with (preferably a friend. and a boy)
- keep my friends close even after the show
- get back to surfing
- hang out with tristan [musicians oath.]
- do my history homework [ALL OF IT.]
- find my advanced drama audition pieces [really? anybody have a monologue book they want to lend?]
- make sure kellianne is on vocal rest
- make new friends
- NOT fall in love.
- fall in love


but most of all...

try not to miss the blip blop to much when it ends.

i love attention

i wish more people noticed me on stage.
the truth is i get all my energy from other people.
i love making people laugh.
i love attention.
i do.





but i hate long hours of notes. i could be sleeping. 1...2...3...SLEEP.

maybe i am not meant to be doing this.

it seems i have gotten the best luck with the last two shows. the two shows i wasn't even in.
the spring show last year- i met austin.
the fall show this year- i met dylan.

maybe if i wasn't in the show there would be a third guy?

maybe i am not meant to be doing this.

but then again both those boys ended up not working out to well.

and it seems i am making stronger friendship bonds with the people around me.

plus i have worked so hard to get here and it's what i've always wanted right?

don't tell me boys aren't a big deal and i shouldn't be examining this because whether we want to admit it or not we like boys. we like the attention they give us and we like the feeling. i do want somebody. don't we all?

but believe it or not i am not looking. i don't know if i need a relationship in my life.
it's just what i am saying.

hey. the show hasn't ended yet, hell it hasn't even started.

let's see what happens.

watch this all be a life lesson. i hope i get something big out of this.

p.s. i am sick of this negativity and how prude some people are. if you're going to be a bitch to me i am going to be a bitch right back. no one in this show is better than anyone else. stop letting it get to your heads. especially YOU.

honestly, you all suck.

honestly, you all suck.
i am so sick of a few of you.
just because you don't like someone (someone you don't even know and already don't like, which is fucking fantastic) it doesn't mean you treat someone like that.
now i gossip. the whole world probably knows that i do. but when you are given a secret and specifically told NOT to tell somebody why the hell would you tell them?
don't worry. it's not just you. you apologized. but it's ALL of you.
who the hell do you think you guys are?
you are no better than anyone but for some odd reason you seem to think you are.
what do you do that is so special?
i understand. you don't like people. that is cool. nobody likes everyone.
but it doesn't give you a right to be complete DICKS to people.
unless you're perfect that you have no right to completely push people away or ignore them.
great. way to scare another person off.
they did nothing to you but yet you think it's ok to hurt them and embarrass them.
share a bond by laughing at someone.

you gotta start giving people a chance.
and you gotta get off of that high throne of yours and fucking face the world.
trust me. i can point out your flaws. [believe it or not you do have flaws]
i can point out my flaws.
we all have flaws.

this is getting so annoying. honestly.

just missed 11:11

i just missed 11:11


crap.

there goes my wish.

fields of gold.

"does it annoy you when i sing?"
"yes."

-silence-


"well?"
"what?"
"it doesn't mean you should stop."

last night.

last night was one of the most amazing nights of my life. never before have i felt like this in my entire life...i met this boy.
i know what you maybe thinking it's just a "vacation hook up" but it isn't. not to me. and certainly not to him.

it feels like love.

i know i am not old enough to know what love feels like but if we are this happy and having so much fun it has to be pretty close right?
it feels like i'm stuck inside a movie. or a book. something nicholas sparks would write about.

i did something. something. well.

i am still in shock about everything that happened last night. it wasn't me but at the same time it was a new me. this boy is amazing.

we met out on the basketball courts last night. my sister and i wanted to shoot some hoops (we know that's where all the cute guys were...) and well he was playing with some friends.

basketball.
jacuzzi's.
laying out on the golf courses.
and well...after all that of course.

there was also a note.

this is all so romantic. it seems unreal and unbelievable.

but i am just going to go with it.

[by the way. he liked my converse.]

swimming in the moonlight.

swimming in the moonlight = my new favorite thing to do.

whether the moon is shining down on the breaking waves and the small heads bobbing up and down as they go over a wave and under the next.

whether the moon is shining down on a lake and with each refreshing step into the cold, icy water the hairs on your arms stick straight up.

whether the moon is shining down on the simple, stereotypical pool. it isn't the same as the 2 above but it's the one you can use every night and it's the simple one that brings back the memories.

this is my 100th post.

it's weird.
i know i change my blog title a lot and i know i change my banner a lot...

it's time for a new change.