i am worried about my best friend.
yes. my best friend. i know it surprises some that i still call her that.
she will always be considered my best friend.
i fled from her side for a while and i don't know why.
but she isn't doing good.
last time i talked to her she was on her way to the emergency room.

let's all think good thoughts and pray that she is alright.

don't leave.

STOP. stay right where you are.

don't any of you leave. promise?
i am fine. i promise. as long as i still have everyone.
but the second you guys leave well...i'm gone. i'm outta here.
i have finally trusted the fact that i am NOT alone just because a certain "you" doesn't exist at the moment.
just don't betray my trust.
please.
because i'm about to let go completely. and it can definitely break me.
just don't let me be alone. not until i build my independent self up again.

laughing at me instead of with me.

and trust me. i am not a complete idiot. i am not oblivious. i know you were laughing at me instead of with me. if anyone else in your little "group" would have done it it would have been funny. don't be stupid and get the wrong idea. it's a joke.

i am completely and utterly human.

i am completely, and utterly human.

even though i wish i didn't regret i definitely do all the time.

i am a huge gossip when it comes to certain things. don't pretend like that makes me anyone different because you do too. you all do, don't you dare try to deny it.
i do stupid things to get attention. we all do. sometimes i wish i didn't because it sometimes turns into one of the things i regret.
i care what people think. we all do. that being said i don't let it change the person i am but i still care and i am still affected.
i have my insecure moments.


all that being said i also

i don't lie. not when it comes to important things. sometimes i lie about homework.
i am completely honest. i can be brutal but i am only honest with you if i actually care about you. if i don't like you i wouldn't even talk to you.
i love to make people laugh. i can't explain the feeling. laughter is the best thing in this world and i love having the power to make people experience it.
sometimes i put other people before myself. which is stupid sometimes. but when i care. i care.

i am completely and utterly human.
and you are too don't try to hide from it.

never trust someone who is unreal.

i am starting to dislike you again and i can only stand up for you so much longer.

you are completely oblivious to the fake people you are surrounding yourself around.

i am trying so hard but i have trusted you. which was stupid.

never trust someone who is unreal.

meaning someone who is constantly changing just to fit in.

you aren't real.

now i know i have been unreal as well but that was all in the past. i have already lost a lot of good friends because of that. i am not going to do it anymore.

you are just putting up a bad reputation.

i am this close to leaving. and you know what by tomorrow i'm gonna be gone.

You won and I surrender. However, now you'll be dead as well.

You won and I surrender. However, now you'll be dead as well. In me you exist - and, in my death, see by this image, which is your own, how completely you murdered yourself.

YOU aren't YOU anymore. in fact there is no longer a you.
a you doesn't exist.
it's just a me.
sometimes i am totally happy about that. totally independent.
but other times i'm just not used to it.

i don't know when i made this final decision.
i don't want anything committed right now.
no strings attached.
but i do want someone.
but i don't want anyone or anything special.
i need to focus on myself.
but even then i can't help but wish a you existed right now.

just believe me!!

it seems like you don't believe me.
or maybe you just don't WANT to believe me.
for whatever reason i think in order for this to fully get resolved is that you accept the FULL truth.

you think my intentions are unkind and i am just trying to hurt you.
why in the world would i hurt someone i care about intentionally?
after everything i have been through i would NEVER do that.
the reason i am telling you is because i DO care.

believe US. not him.

step. step. step.

i am just at the beginning of the hallway that seems like it will never end.
each door is different.
behind each door each room is different.
but each room is equally important.
i wish that every room and every door would combine to make one.
wouldn't that be beautiful? wouldn't that be everything i need?
that would make the hallway non-existent.
i wouldn't have to go through the intimidation.
but maybe there is a reason each room is shut out by a door.
maybe the rooms aren't in symphony with one another.

step. step. step.

what are my feet doing? i'm not ready for this.

step. step. step.

my feet have taken control!

step. step. step.

NO! stop it! feet don't have minds...they just go.

step. step. step.

they finally stopped. and i stand in front of the first door.
my heart is pounding out of my chest like crazy.
i have no idea what is behind this door.

step. step. step.

what are you doing? can't you see there is a door in the way? we aren't going anywhere!

step. step. step.

hold on! just wait a moment. let me think.

step. step. step.

OK! STOP ALREADY. I'LL DO IT.

without even giving it another thought i open the door. my feet finish the task and filled inside is music. just beautiful. plentiful music. it's just what i love. i can't wait to open the other doors.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sometimes we shouldn't think about it.

i had a dream last night.

i had a dream last night and i am not sure if it holds the answers i am looking for. you were in it. this was a first to be honest.

there was a movie night at my house. you were there. and we were sitting on the same couch. i leaned on you and rested my head on your shoulder. then i got called upstairs. i came back down and you were sitting on a different couch with everyone else. i tried not to let it affect me. then at some point you came back over to sit next to me and once again i leaned on you. but then i got called back up. and the same thing kept happening and happening again.

what is it saying? that i shouldn't give up and you will edge away but keep coming back?
honestly i don't know what to do.
you are confusing me more than i want to handle. i don't know if it has to do with me but with whether or not you will open up...

don't trust your heart right now; it's to fragile.

what has the world come to?
it seems like everyone these days are hurting. and hiding.
hurting and hiding. HH.
what other H words can fit into the events that have been occuring?
hopeful? hopeless? hatred? habit? helpless?
i'm not apart of this. well not really anyways. i wasn't a victim.
not this time.

but i have been.
numerous times. and chances are i will continue to be.

i don't know if there is anything we can do differently. anything we could have done differently. it has nothing to do with what WE do. it's always about HIM. it's always the HIM. don't do what i did spending months thinking about what YOU could have done better. in the end it doesn't matter. it would have happened anyways.

but don't worry. you're not alone. none of you are. that's one thing you may have gotten from this experience. a special bond. use it. relate to it. you're together in this. which is better than having to face it by yourself.

i don't know why i feel so strongly about it. maybe because i knew. maybe it's just guilt. maybe it's because i've been in your position before and it was bad enough i was in it let alone you guys.

just remember. we're all human. we all get hurt. we all break. we all make mistakes as well...but even if we do break life always seems to put you back together. just make sure the pieces go in the right place. trust your instinct. it's trying to lead you in the right path. don't trust your heart. not right now. it's to fragile. it isn't thinking straightly.

cause i am giving up.

i am finally starting to feel like an individual again.
i don't need anyone.

no one at all.
and i've accepted that.

my time is coming. i can feel it.

as for you, well, i'm just about to give up. you aren't telling me how you feel and i have been telling you how i feel for the past couple of weeks.
i am going to stop trying. stop pushing it.

i hope this is what you've wanted cause here i go dude.

-POOF-

i'm done.
you'll realize it in a couple days as i do...well...nothing.

Log 3.

it is very unsafe here and i forgot how unsafe it really was until i arrived here. i don't think having the world cup here will be a good idea. i think it's a catastrophe waiting to happen. i feel like a huge event is going to happen that will go down in history books and i don't think it will be a good one. a lot of the african americans take pride in harming and screwing with tourists. which means they will have a kick when the world cup arrives. i am not meaning to sound racist but a lot of them are out of control. they are the majority of this country. and i think they just want control of it once again. it seems that the african americans are separated into different groups. the educated/civilized/working class, the religious, the tribal, and those who are just out of control.

this country is crazy. but i love it.

Log 2.

i might do something stupid soon but hear me out it's for a good reason. nobody understands the adventure i am craving here. i wish i was here with one of my friends, someone who would want to explore with me. yes. i am unaware how unsafe and dangerous everything here is i really am. but i want to take a risk. i need THAT photo and honestly when i start to see through that camera lens i am unable to see the danger. my mind is only focused on one thing which is getting that self satisfying shot.

it's scary because i would do anything to get that photo. i wish i was taken more seriously. i bet if i was a tall, tough guy i could get respect and people wouldn't want to beat me up here. but no. i am a short 17 year old girl with a camera. i basically scream take advantage of me! not to mention i am basically a tourist. or more like a half blood. i am going to start taking chances even if that means going off on my own. if someone won't go with me i am not just going to give up. i have to take advantage of the opportunities i have here. i am not afraid of danger as long as i have my camera. i know that sounds stupid and naive. i am aware but you don't understand. i mean. no one does. what if the reason i am in south africa is to take some amazing photos? what if my distant future depends on it?

Log 1 [Written on 5 hours of sleep during a 24 hour plane ride...]

log 1 or whatever.

i can't ignore the glares i get for being "that girl" on the airplane. supposedly it's like 2 in the morning L.A. time and everybody on the plane is basically sleeping but outside of the plane nothing can be more alive. i opened my window. yes...it's bright out. i am aware. but it's breath taking and relaxing and for the past 2 hours instead of watching tv like i have been and probably will be doing again on the next 11 hour flight i have been listening to my ipod and just looking out the window. there is frost along the rims of the window and for some odd reason i am completely drawn to it. i doubt half of the people surrounding me will even notice a small detail like that. sure it's small but i am completely and utterly intrigued. you don't even want to know how many pictures i have taken just of the ice forming on the window.

This picture looks all to much familiar. some originality please? i need an idea. anything. as i look out the window and drop my gaze down to the land that is beneath me i can't help but realize that there is something totally different and exciting down there. while i'm up here on this plane watching movie after movie people's lives are going on. it's hard to imagine because we as humans are always stuck in the moment. i mean half of this flight i have been moving restlessly, complaining and only thinking about one thing: how miserable this flight is. i'm selfish. i mean we all are. it's just what we do and don't even try to deny it. it's weird to think that people live differently than me. that there is a whole world outside manhattan beach, california just waiting to be experienced. i know what you're thinking--

you have been to south africa and you are on a flight right now going across seas. here's the honest truth...i take advantage of the experiences i am given. i usually try not to regret but the past adventures i have been on [England, Mexico, South Africa etc.) there has always been something limiting my experience whether i am too young or just too lazy and tired to get out of bed. it's always me against myself. over the summer i was going through the stereotypical "teenager" phase. i wish i was with my friends. i wish i was with my boyfriend. i wish. i wish. i wish. and this was all happening while I was in south africa. some people never even leave their town let alone their country! i'm not saying i don't deserve this trip. god knows after everything i've been through i do it's just this time i am going to try my hardest not to take advantage of it. i'm gonna live it up. who knows? this could be the last time i ever get to go somewhere like this. cheers to a new adventure.

i am writing this on lack of sleep right now. i don't feel tired but i doubt my mind is working correctly. please excuse the lack of structure and well...sense. i've just been thinking. my mind doesn't make sense and i am not in the mood to try and interpret it.

just 10 days.

i've been feeding the romantic side of me again and let's just say i'm beginning to get hopeful...beginning to dream more. when i go to south africa i want to fall in love with a boy with an accent. i want to be in love with him for 10 days but then come home and that was that.

that is just what i need right now.

difference between this time and last time.

the difference between this time and last time is that this time i feel like i am not leaving anything (or anyone) behind. i can finally just let go and absorb the atmosphere that will soon be surrounding me. i'm excited because i feel like i am going to get the break i insanely crave. when i get back i am going to keep trying until you flat out say no. which you haven't. you silly boy just look. give me a chance! i have a good feeling. i really do. there is no harm in giving it a shot. i am really hoping with me being gone for 10 days you realize that you miss me...even if it's just a little bit. i have a feeling you will even though it will take a few days for it to sink in.

why is the male race so confusing?

i wish things were simpler. i can't help the way i feel. i like different things about different guys. it's hard to just decide on one. well at least for now.

whatever. i don't need to decide right now. it's all about time. i'm not going to jump into anything anymore. i'm just gonna...let things be.

let's all just make theme songs to our lives.

life would be so much better if it had a theme song before every major event that was going to happen. whether it's something big like you were going to get get married or you just had a baby or it's something sad like you just lost a family member or found out you had a disease. a theme song always starts you off with a good mood. i was watching friends and when the theme song came on i couldn't help but smile as it shows brief clips of past episodes and how much they've done together. then the show started with rachel "leaving" and they were all upset. i feel like if i had a theme song to remind me of all the good times before something bad happened it would make it easier. it would be a wake up call that no matter how bad things maybe they will get good again just like they were before.

let's all just make theme songs to our lives.

mental confusion.

i wish i understood people better. no i wish humans understood other humans. imagine how easy it would be if we were all the same page. sure, trying to figure out other people's thoughts makes things more interesting but sometimes i just wish it were easier. people bug me more and more these days. and i just wish i could understand their thinking and logic. and also why they do the stupid things they do so i won't be so annoyed with them.

don't get me wrong. i try to see all the points boy do i ever. but it still doesn't make sense.

i repeat NOT.

this all seems way to familiar. i am NOT, i repeat NOT going through this again. it's already been taken away from me once and it's what is keeping me sane. i have worked way to hard for this to happen again. i will not do it. i am putting my foot down. i am staying in this fucking show. i am not letting them control me like that again after it did nothing.

p.s. back to brown tonight.