i had one of THOSE weeks.
i went through disappointment after disappointment after disappointment.
which made me realize, i'm a disappointment.
now i don't mean that in a depressive, slit the wrists, commit suicide way.
more of the kind of way where i regret how i spent my time.
but the weird thing is if i had the chance to do it over i most likely wouldn't change a thing... because...that's just who i am.

i'm a disappointment to my parents. i spent my 4 years instead of focusing on my academics trying to figure out myself through my art. but nobody really cares about that stuff.

it's weird. i wasn't upset i didn't get into the show. not at all. but then when my parents asked about it and found out the answer they starting freaking out making it a big deal and how i deserved to be in that show.

...if i deserved to be in that show wouldn't i be in it now?

i'm a realistic person. and i'm a honest person. which helps me get through a lot. maybe that's what maturity is? i'm able to admit when i am wrong and when i don't deserve things. granted, honestly, i should be in the show. but i don't DESERVE it.

i'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason. i always have. i don't believe in a fate kind of magical way but more of if something happens that you don't want, it's your job instead of sulking around crying about it, to figure out what you can do with that time instead.

for example: i didn't make drama president. which is totally cool. but i'm an over analyzer and maybe this is just how i deal with my feelings. so since i didn't make drama president i had the thought in my head that maybe i'm meant to do something with glee club. now it could just be my optimism or my crazy imagination that is leading me astray from reality but that's ok because honestly...that's who i am.

so i just reread what i wrote. (i jump around a lot in my blogs. get used to it and hopefully you can keep up.) i'm making my parents sound like bad guys. they have been proud of me before. they love my art and have supported me through much of it. but the problem with this world is we all care too much about what other people think.

college is a big deal because we all make it a big deal. yes. it's important. very, very important. i'm not denying it. but i thought college was supposed to be that learning experience where you learn everything about the occupation you want to pursue? it just sucks that in order to even begin to get there you must fit the "quota" or the requirements.

but not everything is about grades. it's not like i've spent the past 4 years sitting on the couch playing video games day after day. or going to parties every night. i've spent it doing the things i'm passionate about and the things i love. i'm just afraid that isn't enough. but why?

mr. mccormick showed my music theory class a video about how they think the future is to be determined by the artists. that they will be the main contributors for what is to come. working with scientists, inventors, matheticians(i know that's not a word just go along with it) doctors, explorers. i think that's exciting. ever since time has begun artists have been the outcasts that society secretly admires.

my biggest problem is finding a balance between what i want to do and what i have to do. i get that. i should have done better in school because in life i will be facing situations in which i don't want to endure.

i'm not oblivious. i'm not stupid.

ugh. such a rant, eh?

let's call it a night and bet i'll be over it by tomorrow.

scariest night of my life.

saturday night...by far the scariest night of my life. no exaggeration.

i slept over at michael's apartment because me, him, and aiden were going to see ellen degneres the next day.

basically never having weed ever, ever, ever, ever again. and i mean it.

i had an edible. basically weed in chocolate.

when i first started to feel it i remember being really annoyed with one of michael's friends from school who came to drop something off and wouldn't leave. and then my body started to freak out and i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to say anything because i wasn't comfortable with the girl in there and was really frustrated. i wanted to start crying.

then. i don't know what happened next. i wasn't in reality. i was trapped into this crazy town that was developed from my own mind and i found myself unable to get out of it. there were these 4 "images" like abstract shit that made no sense that i kept revolving around. those were the only things that existed. you know that spongebob episode where squidward is in a white place and only words exist? i lost all my memory. i didn't know humans existed.

i guess the girl i was so annoyed with pointed me out "hey...what's going on with your friend?" i also guess michael immediately ran over to me. you know when you're trapped in a horrible dream and you just close your eyes in your dream and it goes away? well everytime i closed my eyes i was in that universe. so eventually i started to open my eyes and it was michael's face. though i had no idea who he was. he was surrounded by all this creepy shit.

i found it easier to start yelling out things i remember. i yelled eric's name a lot. getting lunch with eric. la vista with kendall. music theory with jason. i started yelling ice cream anything. but it didn't help much.

michael and aiden were probably freaking out as well. i was screaming and grabbing onto michael telling him not to leave me even though i was out of it.


i am still recovering. it's emotionally traumatic and i've been freaking myself out lately. i can't be alone for too long these past few days or the memories come back. but it's the memories i saw in my mind, so it just sucks. physical contact with other people has been reassuring me.

i'm still having to jot my memory. i remember things. it just takes me a little bit longer to remember rather than the second it usually took me.

but now for the funny things i said (which weren't funny at the time.)

i guess i was throwing up so michael took me to the bathroom and i looked at myself in the mirror and said, "ew. i look like lindsay lohan. my hair is greasy."

i guess i was also saying through out the night "are you videotaping me? is this going on youtube? this would be a good youtube video."

i guess i looked at michael's friend and said, "who the fuck is she?" then after i said, "she's ugly."
(one of the images i still see is a cartoon/creepy pop art picture of the girl. everytime i think about her i get that freak out image.



scariest night of my life. i am not really myself yet. so like. if you're reading this and you see me at any point in the day...give me a hug. i'm serious. it reassures me so much. i calm down.

Glee...and Drama.

I am really good and reading people...celebrities included.

"You are an old soul." These words were said to me with heart and meaning after I revealed my real age.

Before those words were spoken I was talking to one of the new characters on glee, telling her how good she was. She started asking ME if I really thought so. I told her come next week she will be a big star. I asked her if any fans have come up to her and she said she hadn't experienced that yet. She thanked me. It was as if I was the first person to promise her that this was a big deal. That this was just the start.

Even celebrities aren't sure of themselves...

This is going to sound absolutely cliche but well sometimes forget how celebrities just ARE normal human beings. For example:

John Stamos was at the party. Kevin Mchale/Aartie (aka wheelchair boy) was walking with some friends when he spotted John Stamos. He literally jumped over a baby hedge and with his skinny, lanky legs he ran over to John to shake his hand. Celebrities get star struck over other celebrities. In fact, I am willing to bet that Kevin grew up watching full house almost every night while eating mac and cheese.

But of course, not all celebrities fit in.

There are two new teenage characters who will be on Glee. Since they are new, this was their first red carpet event for glee. Which means they aren't yet publicized. The whole glee family from season 1 (all the kids in new directions) were a tight pack, hanging out with each other. Guess which ones were with their families most of the time or each other? The new kids. You have to work your way up everywhere you go. Just like Mira Costa's drama department, Just like High School, just like sports, Hell even just like hit tv shows. Just because you're on the show doesn't mean you're in. It doesn't seem like everyone has welcoming arms, just like we all fail to do sometimes. Hey. We're all normal.

Of course, there are the ones that are exclusive. My dad and I wanted to meet Chris Colfer (The gay one.) He was over in the closed section the WHOLE night. We went over to the security guard and he said Chris didn't want to be bothered. REALLY? You're at a party supporting the show that made you famous! There were NO crazy fans there. At all. Only fox workers or crew. Just shows that you need to venture out of your group. Recognize the crew. The producers. The directors WHATEVER. Basically, what he should have realized that night was that he was surrounded by many men and women in suits who without them Fox itself wouldn't even exist. He could have been in a bad mood. I get that. Just an off night. I still love him and will still follow him on twitter.

Then, there is the popular girl who has no time and is always running around. Lea Michele. The whole time she was being pulled around by her security and publicity. I didn't see her sitting down once. In fact, I honestly doubt she had fun at all the whole night. Which really sucks. She does seem to have it all. Famous broadway star AND a hollywood star.

There are also the people who aren't as interesting as they look. This is just my personal opinion but I honestly didn't find Cory Montieth, Puck, or Diane very interesting. Which was sort of disappointing.

Granted, they probably are EXHAUSTED. The kids on the tv show work 16 hours each day and they had a call time at 6:30 this morning.

Then there are the people who surprise you. Jane Lynch. NOTHING like her character at all. Probably the nicest person I have met the whole night. As well as Dot Jones (New coach). Funny, it's the screaming, masculine ones on the show that are the most fun. They were always cracking jokes just really having fun and enjoying everything.

The reason I am writing this is just to point out how similar, not only the mira costa drama department is to the glee cast, but the world, high school, humans.


Those kids are the only people I can confidently say all have talent and all deserve to be on the show. Every single one of them. Except the stupid asian girl. Maybe I'm biased because she's "dating" Kevin Mchale in real life.

They've all worked hard. For the most part none of them were complete divas (like Miley Cyrus. Shoot me in the head what a bitch.) Some of them were probably tired. Or unhappy with the pilot.

I was sitting right in front one of the new teenage boys (cutie. New glee boy.) and I turned around to get up and saw his friend pat him on the leg and asked him something along the lines of "How was it?" He shrugged and smiled grimly. You could tell her wasn't happy with it. Maybe they cut one of his scenes.

We'll never know.

it's just hard to believe.

i've realized the only time i blog is when i am upset, or if i am infatuated with a new boy.

at this very moment i am neither of those. i am extremely happy these days. which is a good thing.
it's hard to believe that just last year everything was so terribly wrong.

to recap:

we came back from south africa.
my mom relapsed.
she went back to rehab for a month.
i got broken up with.
my parents were sure they were going to get a divorce.
my grandfather was very sick.

nothing was normal. at all. my life was insane and everything horrible was happening all at once.

now, my parents are fine.
the only things that have been wrong these days are discussions about college and my future but those are pretty normal.

it's weird to be experiencing "normal" troubles. i mean, i know it's different at the same time, but at this time of the year all parents and kids bite each others heads off about college.

i mean. i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS afraid my mom is going to go back again. i am terrified to take pills. even when i'm sick i try and suck it up. which is why i hate that i've been having to take tylenol every night since tuesday.

her migraines are back. which have been gone for 9 years. i just hope she doesn't use them as an excuse, you know?

sorry. everything just seems too good to be true right now.

i hope this is my year.

i really need a good year.


yay for being happy!

creativity.

i know i am constantly changing the blog title and the theme of my blog but that's just because my mind is always changing and new ideas are constantly flowing more and more.

this is probably my favorite thus far i might add. not necessarily the layout but the picture and the title.

we, as humans, constantly let outside forces affect the kind of person we are. it's not our fault, it's human nature. whether it's the latest fashion, the hit new music, hot celebrities, the world that surrounds us, or even the people we have grown so close to.

but what i have come to realize (in music theory...only the first few days. it's the only class i have learned something in.) is that we should try and focus on letting those outside forces not effect the kind of person we are but the creativity that's stored up there in our minds.

every single person is creative and imaginative. for some it's just easier to get in touch with.

eh.



i'm tired.




maybe i'll write more about this tomorrow. i started off knowing what i was saying and now. i have no idea.

i should at least have a conclusion.

basically, what i mean by we create ourselves is that we can't blame the outside forces for the kind of person we are. while they may influence us, it is ultimately us who are responsible.