Friday, July 15, 2011

A blog post coming from the ultimte fan girl.

What I am about to write is coming from the perspective of an 18 year old girl, at 3:00 in the morning, feeling emotional from just watching a movie. So I apologize in advance if everything is illiterate and senseless.

I have to admit something. I haven't been completely honest with everybody and for the past four years I fear I have been hiding a part of myself I wanted to be hidden for pride and judgment purposes, which I finally realize now was foolish.

I smarter than people think I am and not just with advice but with writing and literacy as well. I am saying this now because after tonight I never noticed how people don't take me seriously. How people don't respect or listen to me and you know what? It's the last straw. I deserve more than how I am treated. I am more than just that funny girl on Comedysportz. I am more than that awkward girl who doesn't fit in with the people she calls her best friends. I am more than the photographer. I am more than that girl who almost didn't graduate. I am more. I am more. I am more.

I am a complete and utter nerd. I always will be. I develop obsessions with movies and stories because I love to dwell on the escape it opens for me. Needless to say I am probably a bigger Harry Potter fan than most of the people in the South Bay because I do more than just read Harry Potter fan fiction. I do more than reading Harry Potter wikipedia constantly. Want to know a secret? For six years I was a Harry Potter roleplayer and damn good one at that. Actually, one of the bests [Not to be cocky.] What exactly does that mean? I pick a character. I become that character. Did you know there are probably more 3,000 Harry Potter roleplayers out there? Hell and that's JUST Harry Potter roleplayers. I am willing to bet there are more than 7,000 roleplayers out there. Which is amazing if you think about it. Some of the best writers in the world uniting and creating stories that were never thought of.

I bet a lot of people are reading this either in confusion or reading this aloud to a group of friends laughing at how stupid I probably sound but here is something to think about. What makes a roleplayer different than an actor? Other than the obvious reasons but ultimately they are one in the same.

A lot of people ask me how I made it through my life while being so sane. Or how I got so mature. Or how I never completely lost hope when bad things after bad things kept happening to me. It'd be wrong for me to answer with roleplaying because that isn't true. Roleplaying helped me immensely but it is not the answer. Roleplaying guided me in the right direction. If it weren't for roleplaying I would still be the shy girl who sat in her room all day reading Harry Potter books. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have developed a confidence and a voice to speak out. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have thought to join drama. If it weren't for roleplaying I would have never started writing and if I never started writing I would have never dreamed of becoming a director because ultimately being a director is being able to control the emotion. The emotion of the audience. Or perhaps even the reader. Controlling the emotion of the actors.

Control is the key. Control is also something I am still learning to master.

I haven't been roleplaying these past few years because I myself, lost control. I lost control of reality and started to blur the life of roleplaying into the life of Madison Swart. Which is a very dangerous thing. I would stay inside all day and worry about my online life rather than my real life. Compare it to Inception, if you must.

The reason I started writing this blog was inspired by the last Harry Potter movie. I decided to go and look through all of my past roleplaying accounts and I just read through...everything.

I am no longer ashamed because I really feel like I have figured myself out as a person. I love the way I think and I love the way I care about people and I love the way I put myself in other people's shoes.

I am aware this probably sounds ridiculous and confusing but this is important. If any of you in the world are depressed. Or feeling like there is no escape. Or you have a horrible life. Or you find yourself reading, only to wish that this was you I suggest roleplaying. Or writing. I swear to god it will make you a better person. It will boost your confidence and help you learn to communicate better.

The next blog post I write will be going more into detail about the roleplaying world and what exactly I did because whether or not you care to admit it I bet you are curious and I bet very few of you have heard about this before me.

For now I will leave you with something I wrote and posted onto all of my roleplaying accounts. I don't know if this will change anybody's views about me or if this is even important to anybody else but me.


Last year the last toy story ended and all the graduating seniors found it more sentimental than the rest because they too, like Andy, were leaving for college. My senior class has grown up with Harry Potter. Almost always being in the same grade as the trio. The ending of the Harry Potter movies not only marks the ending of, well the Harry Potter movies, but also the ending of an amazing generation. But just because the Harry Potter movies are ending it does not mean it's the end of Harry Potter. Harry Potter will never die. It's inevitable. Harry Potter was meant to survive and so it shall be.

Now I will transition into my personal story of how Harry Potter has affected my life and if you are reading this I am quite curious to hear yours as well. Let's all reminisce together: for if it wasn't for Harry Potter we all wouldn't have these accounts.

If it weren't for the Harry Potter movies I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Period. Not only would I not have been the same person but I most likely wouldn't even be the same roleplayer I am today. I had never shown an interest in Harry Potter before the movies. My father was always urging me to read the books but I wasn't a book reader back then. Then I saw the first movie and I fell in love. I was about 9 or 10 around the time and I remember leaving that theater telling my dad to buy me the Harry Potter books instantly. So we drove to the book store that night got myself the first Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone.

I read that first book in one night, which for me was really quite remarkable. I did not fall in love with reading until Harry Potter and soon after I was known as that quiet girl who always read Harry Potter in class. When I was in 7th grade my parents forced me to go to church camp. I wasn't very good at making friends back then so I brought all my Harry Potter books with me as some sort of a safety net. Of course I didn't think about the consequences of bringing Harry Potter books to a Christian camp until now. Think about it for a moment. Heh. Now I am the witty, out going, funny girl who always makes people smile and when my old friends from church camp tell people how we met they would say "She would refuse to come out with us on the lake and would stay in the cabin all day reading Harry Potter." Everybody laughs and think it's a joke! Nobody believes that I used to be that girl.

I have read each of the books at least 7 times. I started roleplaying about 6 years ago and the first account I ever made was a Ginny Weasley account. I would not be a roleplayer without Harry Potter. Hell, I probably wouldn't even be as literate as I am without Harry Potter. That is what roleplaying as done for me.

I have had a horrible childhood. It started getting bad for me in middle school when our family found out about my mom's drug addiction. That was when life started to hit me and I started to grow up. Being the eldest of three children I was forced to grow up and act mature which roleplaying has helped me with immensely. I have used roleplaying and reading to let myself feel like a child while also feeling like an adult. Here I am pretending I'm an imaginary character while writing at least 12 paragraphs a day. My imagination grew. My literacy grew. My maturity grew. I, myself, grew and I sincerely have Harry Potter to thank for that.

Long live Harry Potter.

Monday, July 4, 2011

last night was probably one of the best nights/days of my life. i hung out with this boy who i've always sort of had a crush on.

we were on the hammock (he of course had his ukulele in hand) i had my head on his shoulder and we just looked up and sang songs. it was like something out of the movies.

we would be dating if i wasn't leaving so soon. that was brought up many times through out the night and it was basically as if we were dating. we kissed sort of as a joke. then we kissed again. i have to thank my sister for being the one to force us to kiss.

it's really frustrating. why didn't we start dating sooner? in the beginning of the year.

regardless not all hope is lost.

"i hate you."


"i'm probably going to kiss you again, so you're probably right."

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