TRUST

i hope i'm wrong.

remember that time i said formspring comments wouldn't make me cry?

i'm on the verge of tears.

i don't think it's the words they are saying. it's the actions they are doing. someone really must hate me if they are egging my car.
what i don't understand is why. what could i have possibly done? sure. i can be a bitch sometimes. but so can everyone. i don't hate people. (don't start quoting that one video on jordan's iphone.)
i do dislike people but the people i dislike i am never really mean to.

i'm not going to change because of these events. i just can't help but wonder why...

i don't think i am that horrible of a person. i would never egg someone. or their car.







someone really must hate me.

egg art...to....

we do egg art. they do sushi art. or rice art. or whatever those things are. making creatures out of food is a new international artistic phenomenon.

my biggest failure yet:

focusing on the things that aren't going to get me anywhere in life.

dear world,

i've been writing to you a lot lately but that's just because you have been sucking. majorly.
i don't really know how i feel. or if i even have the right to feel anything.

it is what it is.

i like what i like.
i do what i do.
i like who i like.
it just happened to be you.

from,
madison

i don't feel like saying love. you don't deserve that from me right now.

me vs. the world.

today i felt like the world was against me. today literally everything went wrong. it was one of those days.

wake up after not sleeping, take a shower, grab my brother, walk out the door super early so i can get a coffee and not be late, find my car covered with fucking eggs, go back upstairs grab my dad, hose it off, get wet, forced to change clothes, drive to coffee bean, realize the entry way in which i usually go is closed, running late, running even more late because the new way i had to exit won't let me turn left so i was forced to take sepulveda all the way to second, drive by pennekamp, drop my brother off, and then drive to school. because i was late i had to park on the furthest side and because of finals i had 3 books plus my yearbook, because i was late i didn't have time to go to my locker so i go to my english class with a full back pack, 3 text books, a yearbook, and coffee. sit down. relaxed a little when i realized we weren't doing anything. bell rings i walk out the door, give russell my daily morning punch in the arm, then go to second period. we graded our tests from last week. bad grade after i studied, shows how unintellectual i am, sulk the rest of the period, ask to go to my locker he makes me take the huge south african FIFA world cup flag with me (which i got for him). usually i would be delighted but once again i was sulking. PLUS now not only was i carrying my 3 textbooks (i drank the coffee and left my yearbook) i wasn't getting rid of the text books. i was replacing them. at least it wasn't 3 anymore. try to deal with the crush i have on my husband. but then i grabbed my history book yadaydaydya. go to the drama during snack waiting for eric. realize how hungry i am and that eric wasn't coming. no one wanted to go with me to by my snacks so i went by myself. ignored my sister as i walked past her. yadaydaydyadyayda. whatever.

PLUS i lost my keys. the tape ran out of tape. i felt guilty. i didn't take pictures and i almost fell asleep during senior scenes due to the lack of sleep last night.

if you read through that whole thing i am impressed.

now. i will be spending my whole night finishing this drama scrapbook.

that was my rant.

more more more.

alright. i have more to add on.

main girl: whatever her name maybe stereotypical independent woman. not focused on men, just on her photography...and trying not to get killed. attractive but not cocky and not stupid like megan fox.

main guy: in the army. charming dick who gets all the ladies. starts it off as a challenge/bet to get the photographer girl? (to simple?) then maybe ends up saving her life resulting in a special connection/love.

brainstorming. brainstorming. brainstorming.

i should be studying. i should be studying.

actually. i should be sleeping.

it's way past my bedtime.

ok so here's a new idea.

i kind of have a new idea for a story.

a photographer who volunteers to go take pictures of a war ( not certain which one yet) is told by the generals or whatever not to fall for any of the men. because she is a women. and they feel all woman that aren't nurses (and even those who are) sign up only for the men. and she reassures them that she is only in it for the art. but then she is swept off her feet by a boy.

i feel like it could be interesting.
but then again i find a lot of things interesting that others don't.

i have a weird connection toward wars. like i love war movies. even though sometimes i pretend to be grossed out by it. which maybe sometimes i am. i secretly watch them by myself. but growing up i always used to want to fight in the war. now i think it'd be more realistic to take pictures. not now. but eventually. maybe even starting small.

i am so silly and bizarre.
all i know is that i don't want to do something ordinary. and i don't want to be that person that says she wants to travel the world. i want to know what i am doing. i want to experience other countries but not just for the sake of experience. maybe for art. i don't really know.

my mind works differently. i see a lot of things from a different perspective.

Don't ask, Don't tell [Attempt at first scene.]

Don't ask, Don't tell.

[JONATHAN, in his Army Service Uniform, around the age of 30 is in the front yard of his stereotypical, American house playing with his 3 children, two boys ages ERIC,9 and DAVID,7, and a daughter JANE,3]

[Enter EMILY]

[JONATHAN immediately gets up from off the lawn and walks toward his wife.]

EMILY:
I, I, I, [stuttering] ironed your best shirt. Seems like you are ready to go. (small half smile, trying not to hide her tears.]

JONATHAN:
[Taking her hands in his own] You don't need to worry. Everything will be fine.

[She leans up on her tip toes trying to kiss him, he turns away.]

EMILY:
[Frustrated she lets go of his hands and crosses her arms]
God damn it! There you go! Being all distant again! You are shipping out soon and you won't even let me kiss you! [She lowers her voice after a slight glance at the kids and pauses] You don't love me anymore.

JONATHAN:
Emily, you are overreacting. I didn't do it on purpose. [Once again he takes her hands in his own] We can try it again. [Leans in to kiss her]

EMILY:
See. You always do this. You make up an excuse. It always looks as if you are forcing yourself to do it for me. You make it hard for me to be mad at you. You are like a lost puppy. There must be a reason for why you don't want to kiss me anymore. You aren't in love with me anymore.

JONATHAN:
I do love you.

EMILY:
That isn't the same thing. That isn't the same thing as being in love.

JONATHAN:
Come here. [He opens his arms for her and tries to embrace]

EMILY:
You know what. No. Not this time. There has always been something hesitant in our relationship and I've always thought it was because you were shy so you know, I went with it. Now, I am not so sure. [She looks down] Maybe...Maybe we need a break. We'll see how it goes being apart from each other.

JONATHAN:
Wait, hold on a second! You are choosing to take a break with me the day before I ship out? So while I'm out fighting for my life, our fucking country, you are going to be sleeping around with other men? Is that what you are saying?

EMILY:
There is no need to start yelling...the childre-

JONATHAN:
No reason to start yelling? Give me one reason not to start yelling? God damn it Emily! It's not like I'm cheating on you with other women! You know I have never even KISSED another woman before I met you! I'm going out to do my job. You are punishing me for it?! I can't believe you. I can-

EMILY:
YOU ARE A HORRIBLE HUSBAND! [He closes his mouth and looks into her eyes as she finally starts to sob. She walks up to him.] Do you know what's its like...to be in love with someone who shows no emotion toward you? Do you? You are like a robot sometimes! [She closes her eyes for a moment and sighs] I just want...I just want to be loved. I want attention. You don't give me that. You don't even give me anything anymore.

[JONATHAN stares at her for a moment, saying nothing, before he walks away to his truck]

EMILY:
Wait, Jonathan, WAIT! Don't go, COME BACK!

[Scene ends with Emily standing on the lawn sobbing and the three children watching the car drive away in confusion?]

*NOTE TO SELF: Include kids more in beginning scene.

sneaking onto my laptop makes writing blog posts so much more interesting.
i am currently sitting under my covers with the laptop on my lap. the light coming off from the screen is pretty bright. it reminds me of that one scene in Harry Potter where he is doing magic under his covers.

today was a bummer day.
whenever it's a bummer day i usually turn to the mass.

sometimes i am really stupid.

It's like this

It’s like this.

You have to have the nicest jeans or the cutest purse or say the newest thing so that it catches on. You have to be skinny, you have to buy this, wear this, say this, be on his side, her side, be neutral, be normal, be unique, have white teeth, have straight teeth, your hair can’t be frizzy, and you can’t wear that because it just doesn’t ‘work’ anymore. You have to go to parties, be friends with everyone, trust no one, post like this, smile like that, tilt your head this way, and put your hand on your hip because that’s how it is. And let me just say, fuck all of that.

here is what i am, or. kind of how i am:
a 17 year old girl who likes narnia and superman. who strives on photography. who essentially cares about what people think. who doesn't change because of it. who blushes way too much. who can't decide how the hell she wants her fucking hair. who trusts people way to easily. who develops crushes on way to many people. who can be such a drama queen. who has a lot of drama in her life at times. who doesn't get good grades but is pretty intelligent. who only puts time into things she is passionate about. who is a facebook lurk. who sleeps with a blanket. who has insane fucking dreams. who can't watch scary movies. who takes a bath everyday. who showers every other day. who likes being south african, and different. WHAT?

and now a letter.

Dear World,

Stop trying to conform me. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I don't want to be like everyone else. I do want to be liked. I do want to be loved. Does that only happen if I fit in? If so, I don't know if I want that deal. I am busy trying to figure myself out. I hate that everyone thinks we are supposed to have all our shit figured out in high school. Are you kidding me? I doubt it'll be a while till we TRULY figure ourselves out. If we ever even do...Why are you confusing me so much? I wonder how I would act if I was the only person in this world. No other people in the world to influence my decisions and actions...but then again...if i were the only one in the world would I have decisions or actions?

WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING? snap. snap. BACK TO REALITY.

whatever.

Love,
the girl with the 4 year old purple nails.

what iffer man.

i am surprised i am not still upset.
that it didn't last that long.
i thought it was going to be really hard to deal with but it didn't last longer than the day after.

i do this thing. i tend to set up a false reality for myself. which basically means i tend to dream up an alternative life.
it's not that i don't like my life. honestly. i do. i am just a big what iffer. i like to venture out. i want to be able to experience a different life. which is probably why i like acting. you have the ability to be yourself and also to be someone TOTALLY different.

i like dreaming.
i like what iffing.
and i like being able to tell the difference between reality and dreaming.

he lied and said...

He looked deeply into my eyes, he lied and said "I'll never make you cry" and when I thought it was too good to be true, he blew me off and found someone new.

long time no talk, right?

blogging helps me sort out my inner thoughts. i try not to have structure i sort of just write what comes to my mind. i'd much rather write what's on my mind with no thought, than say it in person and risk hurting someone's feelings.

something i have realized. when you are drinking or you are drunk you lose your sense to feel emotional connections. one thing in particular i have noticed. when you hold someones hand while you have been drinking you don't feel that spark you do. i love holding hands with someone i'm attracted to. i love the warm safety and excitement it brings.

basically, I love holding hands.

this weekend i have realized who my real friends are.

i don't need a best friend. i am surrounded by a few close people that i know i can always count on.

i have also realized. this year has been a shitty year over all. of course i have had my amazing moments but i feel like we all have our bad years in life and this happens to be mine. maybe when i go to college things will change. those will be my good years.