Monday, December 26, 2011

So. I am deactivating my Facebook for about a week. Here is my reasoning:

There has certainly not been a week during which my profile did not exist. Even if I did not log in, my online identity was always visible. So for five continuous years, my identity has existed on this random website that was started by an even more random former Harvard student.

Often times we do not realize what role something plays in our life until we are forced to no longer have that in our life (this works with people too). Thus, I have decided to proactively eliminate Facebook from my life in order to analyze the role it plays in my daily routine.

I will “not exist” in the Facebook world for a week. I will delete anything related to Facebook and will deactivate my account (Facebook allows you to do so and to come back).

I will write at least a few sentences everyday for the next week about how not having a Facebook account is affecting my daily routine.

I realize that to many people out there this all seems silly because they either do not have a Facebook account or only log in every few weeks to check it. I acknowledge that you cannot relate to this and respect that, but I also know that many others out there can relate completely because Facebook has become as ritualistic a part of their lives as brushing their teeth and eating.

Many who do have a Facebook may also think that I am over-dramatizing this one week experiment for the sake of the blog.

I disagree.

I do not hate Facebook. I actually appreciate it very much and love that it allows me to connect with friends from all over the world and show off my art.

What I do hate are my habits when associated with Facebook. I believe that I have become too dependent on it and that I have illogically created a ‘need’ to check Facebook everyday and to update my friends with pointless statuses about things.

I hope to understand this ‘need’ and to manage it better after this one week experiment. I expect that I will survive just fine without Facebook and that I will still have a social life. I want to use Facebook as a tool and I want to control Facebook. I do not want Facebook to use me as a tool and to control me.

It'll be a much needed experiment. Everyone can agree how different I am when it comes to Facebook and how many of the things I do are now measured by "How many likes this will get"

As an artist and a human I need to stop depending so much on Facebook and approval from other people. It has totally warped my sense of reality and it's something I need to work on. My dependency on it is not healthy and there are other things I could be doing this break then spending it on Facebook.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

it's about time i realize that birthday's are just ordinary days. they aren't magical. the only interesting thing that happens is you grow older...but that has to do with science. not magic.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

i owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

i know everyone thinks i went off to england on some grand, big adventure that was going to be life changing...but...okay let me tell the story.

(keep in mind this might sound silly but in my defense i am beyond tired.)

before i flew off i had very big expectations. i was very confident that this was going to be the best time ever. adventure by adventure taking me by storm (you folks back home know i love those adventures) but i never expected it to be scary. i was stuck in a house full of people i called family...but also a house full of people i barely ever talked to. it was horrible. i literally stayed in my room and read, barely speaking, barely doing anything for the first few days. but that changed. and not because of anything i did.

a owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

this past week i have had the opportunity to be surrounded by some of the coolest people i think i will ever meet. going to a new country is beyond scary but for some reason they were all nice enough to accept me into their little group. not to mention there is a boy i have developed a major crush on. there is the girl who is super friendly and wouldn't hurt a fly (not to mention she is also one of the prettiest girls ever.) the boy who is the boyfriend to the super friendly girl and who doesn't say much but is very nice and caring. the boy with the blue eyes and who always seem to have the biggest smile on. he also manages to get everyone else to smile as well. the girl who is just all around kind and accepting. the boy with the long, curly hair (who my aunt calls goldilocks) who comes off as bad-ass but seems to genuinely care. the intelligent boy who always makes witty, smart-ass comments (because he can...) and who also seems to always be helping people out. and of course, the person who deserves the biggest thanks, my cousin. he is the nicest and most caring person. i am lucky to be the same age as him and i am lucky we get along so well. he's helped me a lot. (even though he won't let me drive his car. DANG IT.)

the truth is...i did go on a trip that was life changing. i mean. i hope it continues to be life changing. being surrounded by these people has helped me immensely. not only to prepare me for college but it also broke me out of the drama department state. meaning we all know how everyone in the drama department is cliquey and not accepting. i couldn't help but think that if it was someone trying to come into my group of friends (EVEN for a few weeks) they wouldn't have been as accepting.

so i thought i'd say thank you. even though you guys will probably never read this i just thought it should be said.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The promise I just couldn't keep.

"This is the place you promised me you would never grow up."

I had totally forgotten. About 11 years ago The Swart family was taking a trip to visit the family in England. The father was looking around at all of the people, all of the goodbyes which probably caused him to say this,

"Promise me you two will never grow up?" The father said as the two young girls giggled and looked at each other.

"Dadddd." The curly haired one whined.

"We can't promise you that." The eldest daughter said as she proceeded with taking off her shoes and putting them in the security bin. The father grabbed the security bin and looked at the two girls, eyeing them. They both continued to giggle thinking it was all a big game, though 11 years later they would soon come to realize it wasn't.

"Promise me or we're not going through." He said in a joking matter. The two girls rolled their eyes anxious to go buy their snacks and watch dvd's on their father's laptop.

"Okay fine. We promise." The eldest girl said as she jumped up and grabbed the security bin.

"Yeah we promise." The curly haired girl mimicked as she scrunched up her blanket and stuck her thumb in her mouth, following the eldest sister.

Now here we were standing at the airport right before the security point where from then on I would be on my own. I bit my lip softy as I looked up at my father, tears were glistening in his eyes. He probably would have been crying if I hadn't made him promise before hand not to.

"Don't be sad. This isn't goodbye. You're going to see me in just a few weeks!" I said trying to lighten the mood though I knew it was a matter of mere seconds until I would be crying as well.

I didn't know what to say. What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep? In my defense I was about 8 or 9 at the time so it wasn't a true promise. You know like "I promise I'll walk the dogs" or "I promise I won't get addicted" or "I promise I'm not cheating on you." So let me ask again, What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep?

Friday, July 15, 2011

A blog post coming from the ultimte fan girl.

What I am about to write is coming from the perspective of an 18 year old girl, at 3:00 in the morning, feeling emotional from just watching a movie. So I apologize in advance if everything is illiterate and senseless.

I have to admit something. I haven't been completely honest with everybody and for the past four years I fear I have been hiding a part of myself I wanted to be hidden for pride and judgment purposes, which I finally realize now was foolish.

I smarter than people think I am and not just with advice but with writing and literacy as well. I am saying this now because after tonight I never noticed how people don't take me seriously. How people don't respect or listen to me and you know what? It's the last straw. I deserve more than how I am treated. I am more than just that funny girl on Comedysportz. I am more than that awkward girl who doesn't fit in with the people she calls her best friends. I am more than the photographer. I am more than that girl who almost didn't graduate. I am more. I am more. I am more.

I am a complete and utter nerd. I always will be. I develop obsessions with movies and stories because I love to dwell on the escape it opens for me. Needless to say I am probably a bigger Harry Potter fan than most of the people in the South Bay because I do more than just read Harry Potter fan fiction. I do more than reading Harry Potter wikipedia constantly. Want to know a secret? For six years I was a Harry Potter roleplayer and damn good one at that. Actually, one of the bests [Not to be cocky.] What exactly does that mean? I pick a character. I become that character. Did you know there are probably more 3,000 Harry Potter roleplayers out there? Hell and that's JUST Harry Potter roleplayers. I am willing to bet there are more than 7,000 roleplayers out there. Which is amazing if you think about it. Some of the best writers in the world uniting and creating stories that were never thought of.

I bet a lot of people are reading this either in confusion or reading this aloud to a group of friends laughing at how stupid I probably sound but here is something to think about. What makes a roleplayer different than an actor? Other than the obvious reasons but ultimately they are one in the same.

A lot of people ask me how I made it through my life while being so sane. Or how I got so mature. Or how I never completely lost hope when bad things after bad things kept happening to me. It'd be wrong for me to answer with roleplaying because that isn't true. Roleplaying helped me immensely but it is not the answer. Roleplaying guided me in the right direction. If it weren't for roleplaying I would still be the shy girl who sat in her room all day reading Harry Potter books. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have developed a confidence and a voice to speak out. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have thought to join drama. If it weren't for roleplaying I would have never started writing and if I never started writing I would have never dreamed of becoming a director because ultimately being a director is being able to control the emotion. The emotion of the audience. Or perhaps even the reader. Controlling the emotion of the actors.

Control is the key. Control is also something I am still learning to master.

I haven't been roleplaying these past few years because I myself, lost control. I lost control of reality and started to blur the life of roleplaying into the life of Madison Swart. Which is a very dangerous thing. I would stay inside all day and worry about my online life rather than my real life. Compare it to Inception, if you must.

The reason I started writing this blog was inspired by the last Harry Potter movie. I decided to go and look through all of my past roleplaying accounts and I just read through...everything.

I am no longer ashamed because I really feel like I have figured myself out as a person. I love the way I think and I love the way I care about people and I love the way I put myself in other people's shoes.

I am aware this probably sounds ridiculous and confusing but this is important. If any of you in the world are depressed. Or feeling like there is no escape. Or you have a horrible life. Or you find yourself reading, only to wish that this was you I suggest roleplaying. Or writing. I swear to god it will make you a better person. It will boost your confidence and help you learn to communicate better.

The next blog post I write will be going more into detail about the roleplaying world and what exactly I did because whether or not you care to admit it I bet you are curious and I bet very few of you have heard about this before me.

For now I will leave you with something I wrote and posted onto all of my roleplaying accounts. I don't know if this will change anybody's views about me or if this is even important to anybody else but me.


Last year the last toy story ended and all the graduating seniors found it more sentimental than the rest because they too, like Andy, were leaving for college. My senior class has grown up with Harry Potter. Almost always being in the same grade as the trio. The ending of the Harry Potter movies not only marks the ending of, well the Harry Potter movies, but also the ending of an amazing generation. But just because the Harry Potter movies are ending it does not mean it's the end of Harry Potter. Harry Potter will never die. It's inevitable. Harry Potter was meant to survive and so it shall be.

Now I will transition into my personal story of how Harry Potter has affected my life and if you are reading this I am quite curious to hear yours as well. Let's all reminisce together: for if it wasn't for Harry Potter we all wouldn't have these accounts.

If it weren't for the Harry Potter movies I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Period. Not only would I not have been the same person but I most likely wouldn't even be the same roleplayer I am today. I had never shown an interest in Harry Potter before the movies. My father was always urging me to read the books but I wasn't a book reader back then. Then I saw the first movie and I fell in love. I was about 9 or 10 around the time and I remember leaving that theater telling my dad to buy me the Harry Potter books instantly. So we drove to the book store that night got myself the first Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone.

I read that first book in one night, which for me was really quite remarkable. I did not fall in love with reading until Harry Potter and soon after I was known as that quiet girl who always read Harry Potter in class. When I was in 7th grade my parents forced me to go to church camp. I wasn't very good at making friends back then so I brought all my Harry Potter books with me as some sort of a safety net. Of course I didn't think about the consequences of bringing Harry Potter books to a Christian camp until now. Think about it for a moment. Heh. Now I am the witty, out going, funny girl who always makes people smile and when my old friends from church camp tell people how we met they would say "She would refuse to come out with us on the lake and would stay in the cabin all day reading Harry Potter." Everybody laughs and think it's a joke! Nobody believes that I used to be that girl.

I have read each of the books at least 7 times. I started roleplaying about 6 years ago and the first account I ever made was a Ginny Weasley account. I would not be a roleplayer without Harry Potter. Hell, I probably wouldn't even be as literate as I am without Harry Potter. That is what roleplaying as done for me.

I have had a horrible childhood. It started getting bad for me in middle school when our family found out about my mom's drug addiction. That was when life started to hit me and I started to grow up. Being the eldest of three children I was forced to grow up and act mature which roleplaying has helped me with immensely. I have used roleplaying and reading to let myself feel like a child while also feeling like an adult. Here I am pretending I'm an imaginary character while writing at least 12 paragraphs a day. My imagination grew. My literacy grew. My maturity grew. I, myself, grew and I sincerely have Harry Potter to thank for that.

Long live Harry Potter.

Monday, July 4, 2011

last night was probably one of the best nights/days of my life. i hung out with this boy who i've always sort of had a crush on.

we were on the hammock (he of course had his ukulele in hand) i had my head on his shoulder and we just looked up and sang songs. it was like something out of the movies.

we would be dating if i wasn't leaving so soon. that was brought up many times through out the night and it was basically as if we were dating. we kissed sort of as a joke. then we kissed again. i have to thank my sister for being the one to force us to kiss.

it's really frustrating. why didn't we start dating sooner? in the beginning of the year.

regardless not all hope is lost.

"i hate you."


"i'm probably going to kiss you again, so you're probably right."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

it seriously just hit me. well actually it hit me at like 3 in the morning when i was watching a movie. but i put it off. so of course i woke up this morning pretty sad.

i cant believe that my classes are over. most specifically music theory. i can't fucking believe that comedy sportz is over. you know the thing i miss the most from comedy sportz? getting texts from the twitter about fun away things and driving with the team and being silly. i can't believe i can no longer call the drama room my home. that's surreal. i'm never going to go buy lunch again there. or go with jason and eric to get snacks. or gabby. that is no longer my school. so any other time i step onto that campus i am super senior.

it was really hard saying goodbye to jason. i didn't think it'd be a big deal. but it was the absolute worst. why has he affected so many peoples lives that a lot of people are sad he is leaving?

i hope this feeling of sadness goes away soon so i can enjoy my summer.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

i'm really confused. about everything. certain events have taken place these past few days that have really forced me to become...cautious. before if anything happened to me that upset me or that i was confused about i would text people. usually one person. but now i've had to stop. and it's really weird. because i used to logic myself out and figure things out by talking to other people. but now i'm getting turned against it. it's really hard. to restrain myself from texting. from needing help. or asking for help. because i don't know who else to ask. or who else to talk to. who i could be hurting or affecting by talking about this crazy shit to.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

i'm just a basket case.

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

i don't want to use this as an excuse...

i don't want to use this as an excuse but, i'm sorry if i haven't been acting like myself lately. i am not myself. at all. i wish i could be and i am desperately trying. but if i've been meaner or anything i just get annoyed about everything. and everyone. so i just want to say sorry now but just cut me some slack i guess.

i wish it was that easy to go back to being happy. it's just everything that used to make me happy just makes me annoyed. i don't like to take pictures anymore. or write. or sing. or dance. or film. or improv. or anything.

i used to get excited about the littlest things which is how i got through the day. but now i don't do that.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

i remember this time last year crying so much for not getting into a senior scene. and now here i am directing a scene that is going to be amazing.
i don't think i've ever had so much confidence in something than i do about this scene.

i have been wanting to do this scene since freshman year. i've been wanting to sing the parts of diana since freshman year.

i really want to give people an opportunity. i feel like that's the key to this department. most of the people that make it in the drama world are people who have had opportunities. also it's probably because of talent. but i feel like there are those few people who make it into the show or comedy sportz who were sort of just randomly chosen or taken a chance of. and of course they end up doing well because they are gaining experience and practice.
the only thing i am excited for is senior scenes. aka I Love You Because.

one flew over the cuckoo's nest

you know how in "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" bromden talks about a fog that's in his mind?
that is exactly what i feel.
i can't explain anything.

i always just feel numb. and tired. even though i still sleep the same.
i am just not myself.

i don't know when the last time i've taken a picture that wasn't for la vista was.
i usually write a new song everyday. i haven't in a week. which i know doesn't sound like a big deal. but it is.
i don't like going on driving adventures anymore.
i don't like anything.

i'm excited for two specific people to come home. which is the only thing i can think about that's making me excited.

i'm really scared. i'm going to see a therapist on monday. i'll let you know what it's like.

i'm trying. but it's really hard. i need to get better. it's controlling and ruining my life.

my parents don't understand. whenever i bring it up they go "oh i thought that was gone." or "oh i thought it as over?" and "oh that's still happening?"

Monday, May 16, 2011


i know i've been talking about all the bad things that happen to me but can i just take a moment to thank my friends?

i just want to say how extremely grateful i am and i feel like i don't give my friends enough credit. and i'm sorry. when i say i feel lonely and unloved, i never realized how much that puts down my friends.

did you know i have a friend who comes over whenever i need him to and he just holds me while i cry? seriously. he's the person i text almost every day just being sad and he still continues to be there for me. even though it's probably hard for him. he's even going with me to see a therapist next week because i'm scared. how many friends would do that?

i also have a friend who i texted today saying i was upset and she was like "i'm coming over and we're watching gossip girl." and we did. that was exactly what i needed. to act normal even when things aren't normal.

another friend i have, this was a while ago, but i remember being really sick and complaining about how my mom doesn't take me to the doctor. he offered to go with me. i don't think i'll ever forget that. that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever offered. it's also the same boy who went with me to get my ears pierced.

i also texted someone today out of the blue asking if one day we could just talk. me and this person rarely talk and in fact it's the same person i said some mean things about over formspring and even after everything he agreed to talk with me. who does that? i don't deserve that.

i also have this new sort of friend. we've been friends since last year and just started talking after danny's party. i told him everything yesterday about my life and just in these past few days he's been there for me more than my other friends have been. he gets it and makes me feel a little less crazy.

it's insane what kind of people are out there for you. really.

there are also friends who have just seen my very upsetting tweets and have just texted me about it. i mean, i don't respond but i really do appreciate them.

thank you all for being understanding about my misunderstandings.

i'm sorry if i am not a great friend. or if i hurt you. or if i'm mean to you. i swear to god it's unintentional.

"bad moments"

i just had one of my "bad moments" as i'd like to call them. they don't make sense at all. but this time around i tried to pay attention to what really happens when i go through these "bad moments" and to analyze how i really feel. this is what i came up with.

i feel numb.
my hands tingle.
my mind can't seem to focus on one thing. like a broken lens in a sense fluttering to focus.
my ears ring.
i feel sick sometimes.
i zone out. i'll stare at one spot for a really long time.
i feel sad. completely sad.
and completely alone.
i do and say stupid things.
and then regret them when i'm quote on quote normal.

the crazy thing is, is that these come out of no where for the most part.
i have no reasoning.
and it's absolutely confusing.
my mind is just crazy and scattered all the time.
i really have lost sense of reality in a way.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

my words of advice. (about the mira costa drama world.)

a story: for those who feel discouraged, will feel discouraged, or have ever felt discouraged.

freshman year i entered this drama room thinking i knew shit. i was the lead in all my shows in middle school and i thought that counted for something in the "real world". apparently not.

i tried out for comedy sportz. didn't get in.
i tried out for assassins. didn't get in.
tried out for beauty and the beast. didn't get in.
worked crew. best time of my life. i learned a lot. more than i do being in the shows to be honest.

the next year.

tried out for comedy sportz. didn't get in.
tried out for the elephant man. GOT in. was a pinhead. it was all very...weird. and scary. loved it.
tried out for crazy for you. GOT in. had to drop. it was the worst thing that's happened to me.

junior year
tried out for comedy sportz. GOT in. changed my life forever. seriously. without it i probably wouldn't be here.
tried out for the apple tree as a cocky little bitch who assumed she was going to get in because i got into everything last year. didn't get in.
tried out for the wiz. GOT in. met my best friends.

senior year:
still got on to comedy sportz.
tried out for the dining room as a cocky little bitch who assumed she was going to get in because she was a senior and had enough talent. didn't get in.
tried out for all shook up. got in. just

i have a point for all of this.

i haven't gotten into A LOT of things. and i mean a lot. and if i would have just given up after the first time i didn't get into something i wouldn't have gotten into even MORE things. i think auditioning is the best thing you can do. if you don't get in, i guarantee you will learn something from it.

freshman year: when i didn't get into comedy sportz i realized i knew very little about improv and needed to sit back and figure out what it really was.
when i didn't get into assassins i realized how this department worked. you really had to earn your way in, you don't just get in.

i got into the elephant man because i did a monologue that wasn't me at all. and i got into crazy for you because i worked my butt off. i took about 3 tap classes a week just to insure i'd get into the show.

when you don't get into something the best thing you can do is realize why you didn't get in. and don't be that little bitch who is like "it's because i'm too good for them".

and also don't be that little bitch who feels self pity and takes it personally.

if you seriously sit back and realize what you can do better and what you need to work on. maybe you're not a strong singer, take singing lessons. (the smart thing to do would be to take singing lessons from the vocal director. hint. hint.) focus on the things that aren't good rather than praising yourself for the things you are already good at.

if you want to be in one of the mira costa shows here is my advice to you: whether you're someone who is on crew who is wishing they could be up there doing that, whether you're someone in band who is wishing they could be doing that, or whether you're someone in the audience who is wishing you could be doing that: you seriously CAN. i am proof of that. if you work your butt off. make yourself known to the director. show that you have improved. TAKE CLASSES. you CAN.

even if you've been a lead keep taking classes. always always always be taking classes otherwise you can't keep up. you'll be left behind.

so here is my word of advice. always be observing. always be learning. and always be taking something out of everything.

a lot of my outside drama friends come up to me and say "i wish i could do the show." or "i wish i was in drama." i always say, "well, you should. why not?" they always look at me in laugh. don't be shy. you seriously have nothing to lose. if you think not getting in is losing then you didn't take the advice i just gave. not getting in is a reason to get ahead. prepare for what's coming next. prove everyone wrong. prove yourself wrong. dare to be different. it's a lot of fun. i promise. it's what will keep you sane.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

next to normal...but still abnormal.

the other night i walked into my dad's office and he was listening to a song from next to normal. He was crying and writing in his journal. i didn't interrupt him and the music was so loud that he didn't notice me. the last time i had listened to next to normal was when i saw it in new york with my dad and my sister. after that show he was in a weird mood. and he kept repeating how close to home this show was.

so today i finally loaded the cd onto my computer and my phone and just listened.

this totally resembles my family's life. of course, it's not exactly the same and a bit more exaggerated but look at this.

after me and my sister were born and growing up my parents decided they wanted another kid. the first time they tried i was about 6 or 7 i believe. it worked. she got pregnant. but then she had a miscarriage. i remember her being really sad but not understanding the situation. everything was weird for a little while. we got hyped up and then...nothing. so they tried again. i don't know how old i was. probably 8. i'm not sure how big the gap was but that's not the point. so she got pregnant again and everyone was happy again after being a little cautious at first. then she had another miscarriage. fortunately, the third try was a success and gave way to my brother, max.

but i've never thought about how emotional it really is to lose a baby. not mention once, but twice. even if it was a miscarriage. when i was younger and i first heard about the miscarriages i was just like "oh no big deal! we can just have another one."

my mom started her addiction after my brother was born and that was when she started to lose her sanity. i just now made the connection that the emotional distraught from the miscarriages could have something to do with it.

i'm now curious as to what went through her mind when max was born. what about the other 2? what if i fail with this one? i mean. i wonder if she ever thinks about it now.

i don't know anything about miscarriages. whether they are common or not. whether they can affect someone's life forever or not. this is just me trying to tie connections together.

another crazy thought. i am a christian so this is my christian way of thinking right now: i wonder if i have two other brothers or sisters up there in heaven? are they still considered swarts?

it's all crazy.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

a complete waste of time.

i owe a huge apology to a lot of people. a lot of people i have hurt within these past few weeks. a lot of people i have led on. a lot of people i have stopped talking to. a specific person i said mean things about. so i'm sorry. that is where i want to start for now.

i'm going to start writing in my blog regularly about everything.

my life pretty much sucks right now.

all my best friends are dating people. and a specific close friend is dating someone i don't think he should be dating.

i am extremely jealous. or maybe that's not the word. i think scared is the right word. i have opened up myself emotionally to this person. every other guy i have ever been this honest with i was dating. and they all ended up leaving me. so i thought it would be safe to open up to this guy because we weren't in any way romantically linked. and it was working out for a really long time. this is the first time i've ever felt completely safe with a guy. i was never worried about him leaving me because we weren't dating. but now he's dating a girl and i am absolutely scared shitless. every time i see them together i see us growing apart. because now i'm not the only girl. she is a priority over me. she's his GIRLFRIEND. i'm just the FRIEND. let's be honest here, he'd probably much rather be spending his time making out with her rather than listening to me complain or cry or talk about music and bands and silly things like that. and this is definitely effecting my view on her and i wish i had better control over it. i bet she's a nice girl but i automatically just resent and despise her. when i see her with him i can't help but only think really mean things about her. and that makes me feel so horrible.

it's not that i'm jealous that he has someone. or that they all have someone. i thought that was the issue. it's not. i don't want to like someone right now. i've tried. i really have. i just don't have the ability to like anybody right now.

i think it's a complete waste of time. we only have a few months left and i don't want to be spending my time getting to know a new person. that's all i'm going to be doing when i get to college. i want to spend my time with the people i've grown with over the years. the people that have already been apart of my life for awhile now. THEY are my priority. and it makes me frustrated that they don't see it the same way i do.

let's make the best of the time we have left together. pinky promise?

Sunday, April 3, 2011

here's the deal world...

here's the deal world, i have finally realized that i'm dealing with some sort of depression.

i will be completely sad for no reason. and i will feel like i have to make up a reason just to justify my sadness. but i'm sick of that. i'm just sad. i don't have any reason. i wish i did, it would make more sense. but i just don't.

everyday is a different day. one day i will wake up feeling happy and hopeful (rare but it happens.) and other days i will wake up just the same. i constantly feel like i'm not in reality. that i'm on drugs and that everything is a dream. it's just really scary. i seriously feel like i'm going crazy at times.

i do have amazing friends. and amazing family. but it's really hard to realize.

here's what happened:

i had two friends over after fullerton and we were watching a movie. i felt completely sad. so i started tweeting sad things. then another friend of mine came to pick up my friend and i forgot he followed me on twitter. so when he asked how i was doing i completely lost it and started crying and freaking out admitting out of no where that i thought i was dealing with depression.

it was pretty bad that i needed my best friend to come over. he came over and just held me as we talked about life. and just really serious things.

i think the main thing i'm dealing with is that i'm lonely. not in a "gah why don't i have a boyfriend" kind of way but in the kind of way where every single minute of the day, no matter who i am with, i feel completely and utterly alone in this world. that when i'm in a group of people, they wouldn't care if i was there or not.

i guess my blog is more than just a weezer lyric and it seems to fit perfectly into my life right now: what's the deal with my brain?

Blog Template by : Header Image by Everydaypants
Sponsored by Free Web Space