Tuesday, March 30, 2010

hopefully i don't regret any of this.

i've kept this on the DL for awhile now because i was afraid i would be taken advantage of. or i would be used. or people would just accuse me of unsuitable things.

hopefully i don't regret any of this.
i have a bad feeling.

(for the record. i am doing this because i think it will be fun. a fun group thing. i know you will enjoy it. i've been spoiled long enough. time to share.)

if only everything were fair.
is this what a best friend feels like?

Monday, March 29, 2010

"do you mind if i smoke a cigarette?"

"do you want one?"
"ye---- [pause].....no"

Saturday, March 27, 2010

everything happens for a reason.

everything happens for a reason.

that is something i have always believed.
yesterday i went to check out a chemistry book because mine got checked back into the library a couple weeks ago because i left it in my class. today i opened it up and it says "DARIUS SMITH 2009-2010"
if darius were alive still this would be his book. it's just weird to think about the reason why it was in the library in the first place and why it happened to come into my hands.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

fuck YOU.

looking back i have realized i haven't had much luck with guys.
when we were dating everyone was always like, "you're so lucky. he is so good to you."
and when we had a thing everyone was like, "you're so lucky. he is so fucking hot."

both of those things are true. no denial.

but honestly, it's hard to remember how nice you were when we were together because of how badly you BOTH ended things. it doesn't matter what you did for me when we were together anymore. you did things that made it seem like you cared but it was either all a cover up or you didn't know what you were saying. if you really cared, you would have ended things better. you would have been thinking about my feelings rather than your own when things were over.

and i am talking about BOTH of you.

once you really, and TRULY care for someone you don't stop. unless someone does something to hurt you. which i don't think i ever did. not yet anyways. but even if someone hurts you, you always have a soft spot for them in your heart. to you- i still hate seeing you with her even though i am completely and honestly over you. and it. maybe i am just immature. and to you- i have a protective feeling when it comes to you. it comes off as jealously but i swear to god i can't handle you being hurt again. it has nothing to do with me. just be careful. i don't think you realize what you are getting yourself into.

i know. i know. this is annoying. this is the past. i have nothing to do in either one of your lives anymore. sure. we're friends. but sometimes i feel as if it isn't a real friendship.

you know what i need?

i need a friend.

a real friend.

someone i can open up to and always crawl to and always rely on. you two were that person for me, but i've realized it can't be someone i am dating...they end up leaving and taking too much of me with them. i don't think the two of you even realize how much i have opened up to you and how rare and personal it is.

anybody want to be my friend?

i need one.

not because i am sad. or because life sucks. honestly. i am perfectly happy with life. i just need real friends.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

and kiss. and cuddle. and love.

i like attention.
i really do.
i'm not gonna lie.

i love when people laugh at me.
it makes me smile because i like making people laugh.
i love making people smile.

so i guess it's kind of a two for one deal right?
i mean everybody likes to laugh...it's better than crying.
so let's just keep laughing.

it's the only reassurance we have.
if life sucks, so much, the best thing to do is laugh.
and kiss.
and cuddle.
and love.


and you know what i love? when you have all 4 of those things happening at once.
if you have all those 4 things, and if they are all 4 GENUINELY happening inside of you do me a favor...

don't let go.
do your best not to let go.
you're a lucky person.

be happy. smile and show you're happy and those who are sad can't help but smile as well.
be our hope.
that everyone will have these 4 things numerous times in their lives and just because they don't have them now well. it's coming. just live your life and it'll be with you before you know it.

if only we always had those 4 things.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

the more confident...

i am slowly starting to figure out.
not necessarily myself but how to act around different people.
how to really connect with each individual person.

the more confident i pretend to be...
the more confident i am.

there is a different between cockiness and confidence. cockiness is knowing you have talent and shoving it in other people's faces saying "look at what i can do." or "look what I did" or one upping others, "I can do this..." "Oh yeah? I can do something like that but BETTER!" that is cockiness. Confidence is knowing you have talent and being proud of it. Obviously it's something you should be proud of because not everyone has the same talents you do, or because it took you awhile to gain.

confidence is not cockiness.
confidence is supporting yourself when the rest of the world fails to do so.

Monday, March 22, 2010

But with you my dear; I want to dream a realistic reality.

This is my thought.
It is my own.
It's what I thought.
I thought that if hands were held they were eventually let go.
But with you my dear, I've learned it's impossible to let go.

This is our lesson.
It is only ours.
It's what we learn.
I have learned that two people can indeed share a connection no one else understands.
But with you my dear, I've learned that some lessons are just dreams.

This is my dream.
It is my own.
It's what I dreamt.
I dreamt that even if i screwed up you'd be waiting for me with open arms a new lesson that needs to be taught.
But with you my dear, it was all a dream.

Everything was all a dream.

What separates a dream from reality is that in dreams we are more brave and we follow our instincts.
But what also separates a dream from reality is that dreams usually only focus on the things that we want our mind to focus on, not what's standing right in front of us.

I want to dream a realistic reality.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

you don't know me at all.

this weekend i realized how much my mom really doesn't know me.
i'm sorry i am not tall.
i'm sorry i am not blonde.
i am sorry i am not a cheerleader.
i'm sorry i don't have a super hot tan.
i'm sorry i don't have the perfect body like you did in high school.
i'm sorry i don't have all the guys drooling at my feet just like you did.
i'm sorry i am not a model, once again like you were.

i'm short.
my hair is always changing.
i'm an artist.
i'm whiter than my sister.
i have some curves.
i have one guy at a time.
i'm a photographer.

but then again. i am not sorry at the same time. i am glad i am not like you. i am glad to be me, look how you turned out. that is self explanatory.

you don't support me.
when i told you i wanted to learn how to surf you gave me the skeptical look. then you came into my room and told me that you knew why i took the sudden interest: for boys. Wrong. Absolutely and positively wrong. you don't know me at all. i need a break from boys. which is a reason WHY i want to learn surfing. to just be able to go out and do something on my own. but mostly i just woke up one morning and decided i wanted to learn. the thing about me is i act purely on impulse and if i don't act upon right as i am interested i slowly lose interest.

you don't support me.
i know i told you at first i didn't want you going to my first comedy sportz match. but when i told you friday right after school that i wanted you and dad to go you didn't say anything and you told dad at 8 o clock when he got home at 6 o clock and you guys just ended up staying in. great.

you don't know me at all.

you are a horrible mother. you are selfish.

i love you. but i have a lot of my respect for you this year.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Warning: Sort of intense thoughts.

Warning: Sort of intense thoughts. Don't read if you don't want to hear emotional things.

until last thursday i have never thought about suicide. i just thought it was a way of life because how often it is portrayed in movies, it almost seemed normal.
it isn't normal. it isn't ok.
but as i was driving today i started to think how EASY it is just to turn my wheel the wrong way and crash. how dangerous it is for people who are unstable or can't control their emotions to just let it take control of their fate.
it's scary how easy it is to kill yourself.

physically i mean. the emotional battle is something totally different.

what if i turn the wheel the wrong way?
what if i run a red light?
what if i walk across a red crosswalk?
what if i am being a doofus on a bridge and just fall off?

what if? what if? what if? what if?

i was thinking these thoughts today. not because i am thinking of doing them. i am not depressed so don't report me to the suicide watch.

suicide is the scariest thing to me right now. imagine what must be going through their minds that cause them this pain. i never want to feel the pain. i never want anyone to feel that pain. i wish i could tell if someone were feeling that way.

i feel like humans shouldn't be in control of their lives. we let our emotions and interactions take control of our reasoning a lot of the time. i know i do.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

no idea what i'm doing

i have no idea what i am doing or what i want to do.
all i know is that i am capable of doing whatever my mind tells me and right now it is telling me to do weird things.
i want to experience everything. i don't want to be limited.
when some people heard i've been "surfing" the past few days i doubt they have been thinking like i have.
i am not going to change into some surfer chick and i don't want to.
i am not going to change.
it just feels nice. i like it. i'm not trying to be anyone different it's just the activity that intrigues me. i don't see the harm in wanting to experimenting everything. besides. this is high school. NOBODY knows who the fuck they are. it's alright for people to change because high school, hell, LIFE is about figuring yourself out.

people are allowed to change and still keep their same beliefs.

nobody will always be the same.

honestly you can shoot me for saying this but i think the key to survival is your ability to adjust in situations. when i moved from redondo to manhattan i was positive that i wasn't going to like the school, that i would stay a redondo kid and just be friends with all my friends there. but then i changed. and there is nothing wrong with that. i found people i fit in with. i found stuff i like to do.
as long as you are doing things you enjoy there is no harm in changing. that doesn't make you fake.

just for the record i am NOT thinking of changing. i am content. i might just be trying new things.

Diary 1. [From the past]



today we just opened a new concert the singer madison swart. she is 35 years old with 10 kids there names are Mallory, Jason, Tasha, Max, Mrs. Andersson, Mathhew, Cord, Dennis, Jasmine, and Mally. There so cute you sould see them. Well thats all for today.
oh hey. remember me?
ever since that day i haven't really been able to write anything.

i don't have much to say.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

here is a secret for all of you who want to hurt me.

people are really stupid.
i got like 5 mean formspring "questions" and i am almost positive it's from the same person.
and the funny thing is i SHOULD be hurt by them but i'm not. i am more like ok...what's the point of that? it's not constructive criticism. that i can respect. but these are just stupid, immature comments. are they trying to hurt me? cause if they are it definitely isn't working. it's just making them look stupid.

here is a secret to all of you who want to hurt me

say it to me in person.

go ahead. if that's your goal.

i am helping you out. i PROMISE you if you say these mean things to me in person i WILL be affected by them. i won't have anything to hide behind.

i am being completely and utterly honest.

so stop being so immature and man up. i will take you more seriously.
even though i am almost positive i know who wrote those which is pathetic.

this is me just ranting. i don't like getting mean things online, nobody does, but i am not upset by them. it's just annoying and dumb.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

there is nothing exciting about this post. no drama.

right now. at this very moment. i am extremely happy.
i have no idea why. i am currently alone but i am finally starting to realize it is okay.
i am REALLY happy for you. you have no idea how happy it makes me to see you happy and honestly i don't even know why. you guys are adorable.
i love seeing the happiness of new and old relationships around me.
i am not jealous.
or resentful.
i am just happy for everybody.
i am happy to be surrounded by amazing friends.
i don't like being surrounded by some people who pretend to be my friends.
that is getting annoying.
i am glad we hung out so much at fullerton.

right now i am just. i don't know.

thank you darius for uniting us. you brought us closer together which brought us closer to our victory.

Friday, March 12, 2010

we as humans really don't know humans.

it's weird. before about a day ago or so i've never really thought about suicide until now. i can't stop thinking about it. not that i am CONSIDERING doing it or anything, don't take this the wrong way. it's just thinking about the word, the meaning, the emotions, the feelings behind it.
how does somebody really feel before committing suicide? i mean i am not stupid. it must not be very good. is it all a physiological thing or can anybody consider it? what if i just woke up one day and just started having these thoughts?

i can't imagine the pain people suffer through because my problems seem microscopic compared to those.

how can you tell if someone you know is having these thoughts right now as you speak? you could just be playing board games with someone, laughing and you don't even notice or stop to think what could really be going through their mind.

we as humans really don't know humans.

sorry this isn't organized. my mind is all over the place.

i had a good day today.

and this is related to the events that have happened this past few days but i am not saying this was the reason. we don't know. either way this is in my mind.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

we are the greatest liars.

[photo taken september 18, 2009 drama kick off party: Darius Smith]

i am at a loss of words right now.
i have waited all day to be able to come to my blog and just let everything sort itself out.
but that hasn't happened.
this won't just sort itself out.

today has really made me realize how not alone we all are and although we lost a great, amazing guy it has really made us grow together as a group. this one boy was able to unite a lot of us in a way we have never been united before. i cried with people i have never talked too.

here is my story:
he switched into my biology class in the middle of the year and sat next to me. i was excited because i thought he was cute and thought maybe he'd be my new boyfriend. we were lab partners. once we started talking he said he liked costa but he didn't have many friends so i told him he should go to improv club and drama club. that that's where my family was. after a couple weeks of convincing he finally came. and then this year he took drama because i convinced him. but you know what? once he started coming in i never once talked to him. barely acknowledged him at all. in fact a couple of times i talked crap behind his back. why? for no reason. because i am a horrible person. a stupid, immature high schooler who thought for some reason i was better than this boy who was always smiling. i am no better than him. i am no better than anyone at all. i wish i could say i liked him. but i am not going to change my opinion about him just because he is gone. what i am going to say is that i wish i was able to try and accept him more. i wish i gave it another chance. who knows? we could have been friends. i feel extremely regretful right now but what i am going to do is take something from this.

i am done not accepting people. i am done not giving people chances and i am DONE thinking i am better than other people. today i hugged whoever i saw crying. no matter how annoying i used to think they were. i dropped every single judgment i made about them in the past and just bonded with them. united. we were all feeling the same way and a lot of these kids NEEDED a shoulder to cry on.

i know what it's like to feel not accepted and you know what it's sad that something THIS big had to happen to make us realize that we can't act like this anymore. so many of the younger kids feel like they can't talk to any of us and it isn't true. we should be the ones they look up to because we accept everybody not because we are intimidating and bitches. we live to entertain. i wish the cliquiness would stop.

now i understand there WILL be people in this world we don't like. and i am not saying we should stop judging people. that won't happen. but we should at least give everybody a chance. say hi to people in the hallways. at least PRETENDING is better than be straight up bitches to their faces. and it's not like it's something we can't do. we're all actors. we are the greatest liars.

i have more to say but my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy. i need a break. maybe after dessert theatre i will have more to say.

i am just upset. i am not just going to ignore what has happened. from now on i am legitimately going to try and be a better person.

if you ever, ever, ever need to talk. i will be here. i promise.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

you are so DUMB sometimes.
you constantly judge me just to make yourself fit in better.
just take me already for WHO I AM.
everybody else is and why can't you just accept it?
you are not better than me.
i am not better than you.
we are just not the same.
we are different.
we got along once.
you don't even know i am writing this but i know you don't accept me.
you don't like me.
well guess what?
you don't know me.
you only want to know me when you have nothing else to do.

personally i don't think you're all that great.
but you know what. we're gonna be around each other.
so let's just suck it up. deal with me instead of trying to make me feel like an outcast for the past 2 years.
the game is getting old.
i am replaceable.


so today i got a formspring questioning about my religion and beliefs.


and if you didn't know that then now you do.
people have stereotypes about christians that i do not necessarily fit.
just because i have a belief and a relationship with god doesn't mean there are all these guidelines i need to follow.
i am not one of those christians who try to convert people all the time. those type of christians annoy me and sometimes i doubt their intentions are for god. i hate those churchs that have cliques. churches and christians are supposed to accept people and give them a chance.
yes. i know. i can be a bitch to people. i don't like everyone.
yes. i know. i just said bitch. deal with it. i cuss. it doesn't change who i am at all. they are just words.
yes. i do stupid things. but i also do not do stupid things. you know what i did before saturday night? before folf? i woke up at 8 in the morning and went down to skid row and fed the homeless.

i am not perfect.
and i am sure god gets upset with me sometimes.
but we have a special bond that no one will understand but me. and him.

sure. i don't believe everything. i question a lot of things. like right now.
i don't believe everything in the bible is true. i believe the crucifixion is true. i believe jesus's birth is true (christmas) and i believe the day he rose from the dead (easter)
but the stories about jonah being swallowed by a fish.
i don't know what i believe. right now it just seems surreal.
i do believe the bible is the most important book in the world.
even if i don't believe in all the stories in there i DO believe there are meanings and lessons behind them.

i am young. i am learning. i am experimenting. i am trying. i am questioning. and believe it or not i am as normal as teenagers can get (within limits)

personally, despite the lack of support and belief in me, i think i am on track.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


i don't have a best friend.
i've never had a best friend.
well i mean i've had best friends.
but they have never lasted.
maybe it's because i have moved so many times.
maybe it's because we grow up and grow apart.
i've never had a best friend that has lasted longer than 2 years [except for childhood]

i sometimes envy those people who all grew up going to school together, the bonds and connections they have, the memories they share.
i'm up for new memories.
but i am not ever going to be that person where someone is going through a scrapbook and points a picture and notions to their kid, "and that was my best friend."

i have friends.
i will always make new friends which means i will most likely never be alone.
i just wish i had that special friendship that some people have.
i wish i knew what it was like.

best friends for me don't last.

today i realized that at this very moment i am without a best friend.

and it's all whatever.

float away. each and every one of you.

the pink one represents my feminism, my ability to let the blush creep from up my neck to spread subtly across my cheek.
the yellow one represents my happiness, my ability to let my smile show everyday with complete sincerity.
the red one represents my heart, my ability to love and be loved in returned, the relationships and friendships formed with other people.
the green one represents my sense of right and wrong, my ability to keep the world as natural as can be, to maintain peace in my mind.
the dark blue one represents my tears, my ability to let myself cry no matter who may be watching and knowing how essential it really is.
the light blue one represents my imagination, when i think of light blue i think of sky and in the sky are objects that fly so my ability to let my imagination take flight and just soar about sense.
the purple one represents my talent, my ability to just trust my instincts and walk up to an instrument and know that one day i will understand.
the black one...the black one...the black one...no. it doesn't represent my african side.
it represents nothing.

nothing at all.
no emotion.
no ability.
no representation.

every single balloon is hanging by a thread, clinging on to my mind. they are slipping away.


Monday, March 8, 2010

i feel guilty.

i am actually completely embarassed and i don't find it funny at all.
i probably should considering the circumstances but i'm not.
i feel guilty.
completely guilty.
that wasn't me. what was i doing?
i don't want to be viewed as that.
yes. i do care how people see me. i have stated that before.

i know. i know.
it "happens". i've heard it before.
but never again.

let's all just move on. please?
i am not down.

something new.

so this is all something new
and i don't really know it's view
but once again my fingers type
and it's not something i can fight.


i tried to scream, it didn't sound
i didn't even turn around
i just stood and closed my eyes
and sang myself some lullabies.


it makes me happy to see people smile
and i just really, hope it's lasts a while
just look at me and really see
what your smile is doing to me.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Saturday, March 6, 2010

i wanna do it.

after seeing them last night it really makes me realize that maybe i'm ready.
but at the same time maybe i'm not.
either way i am going to make it a priority to try and do it.
i'm actually going to TRY.

we'll see what happens.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

i ALMOST did it.

i almost did it.
i almost forgot why i write this blog in the first place.
i told myself i would NEVER do that. and i almost did.
i just asked myself what would people want to read.
this is the one place where i will not conform.
i will not hold myself in.
i will not be fake.
i will not put a fake smile.
i don't care what people want to read.
i do like writing about stuff that helps other people and not only myself.
but i am not going to base my blog about other people's expectations.

i am glad people like my blog.
because i like it too.
it's keeping me sane. it's organizing my thoughts.
i know people think the same things i do but are just afraid to write it.

my advice for the day: be yourself. i know it's cliche. but actually. just don't look anybody in the eye for one day. say the things you want to say. don't think about it. just blurt it. and then look to see who responds. it'll be interesting to see. and if nobody does then go back to being a high schooler again. it's ok. this is the one place where everybody is the same in that aspect. striving to fit in. don't worry. one day you will find people who respond to your real thoughts. i promise.

what really happens to balloons when we let go?

what really happens to balloons when we let go and let them fly away?
all we can do is hope that we've given them enough air to go as high as they can go. reach the top.
people say that the balloons go so high that they pop.
i don't want to think like that.
let's be optimistic please.
have some imagination.
maybe they pass airplanes.
maybe they can tell the weather before it hits.
maybe they pass the migrating birds wishing them a safe journey.
hey. maybe they even see saint nick at that time of the year.
and maybe. just maybe. after they've passed through the small things they make it up, up, up.
up to the heavens. up to work for god himself.
whose balloon popped now?
my balloon is working in heaven
and that is the greatest honor of all.


is this what parenthood feels like? i don't want my balloon to pop. i want him to make the best of his adventure.


i love you all, but i really need a break from everyone.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

i get annoyed by people easily. but today i noticed something. instead of being annoyed of those weird, annoying kids i was sort of jealous. they looked...happy. which is something i am not these days. i am not sad or depressed i am just not happy. nothing good is happening that would really make me happy. sure i fake it. i'm an actress. it's what i do.

something good needs to happen. now.


want to know why i've been kind of a downer this week? it's because I GOT REJECTED. yeah that's right. i did just say it. i did just caps it for the whole blogger world to see.
and you know what? it was an ego bruiser. and i WAS upset for a couple days.
but i do not regret taking the chance. i would much rather find out the truth about how a guy i like feels about me rather than staying home, reading books and just imagining what it could be like. at least this way i gave a shot. so what?
ok i am not saying it sucks because it totally does or well did. i've been crushing on this guy for god knows how long but it happens. to everybody. honestly it's life.
but i am definitely not going to stop taking the first step if he is failing to do so. one of these days you never know it might actually just work and it might become something.

if you do take the first step and get rejected my advice is play it off as it's not big deal when you are around him. go home and sulk for maybe a day or two (depending on how much and how long you have liked him) then move on. get on with your life. forget about him. i already have. it's easier than you think. don't wallow in your self pity for months and call yourself worthless. just because this one boy, ONE BOY (do you know how many boys are out there) didn't like doesn't meant there isn't somebody out there right now not thinking about you.

don't be afraid of looking stupid. take a chance and find out the truth. it'll be more refreshing than you think.

let's all start being professional.

the difference between you and her is that we don't respect you the same way we respect her. and i don't think YOU respect us the same way. she makes sure that we all at least try [and literally try] the hard things while you sugar coat and make things easy. i don't sweat at your rehearsals at all. and that really is saying something. i am not saying you are a bad choreographer. you obviously know what you're doing. i just think we are all spoiled because we have had HER for the past couple of years.

but you know what? we need to suck it up and start acting like professionals. in the real world we don't get to pick our director or choreographer. when has anything regarding the show REALLY been up to us? the truth is she isn't coming back and she isn't going to be superman to save our show. it's up to us. WE can save our show. it's about time we start trying and i mean really trying. we need to add more to the stuff he is giving us and above all we need to focus and work together. trust me i know it's hard to focus. i talk all the time. i really do. we all like this opportunity to be equal with each other (well mostly) and sometimes we like the attention. don't deny it, it's what we do! we are ALL attention whores. we strive off of it. but think about it. when are we going to get the most attention we ever get in the year? in about a month on that stage in front of THAT audience.

let's start being professional and show the world we will accept what we are given and we will make it our fucking best.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

if i were to have an affinity for anything it would definitely be water.

if i were to have an affinity for anything it would definitely be water.
i've never realized how much i use it.
i drink over 8 bottles each day. bottle one for the first two periods of the day. bottle two for the 3-4 periods of the day. bottle three for lunch and 5th. bottle four for period 6 and till after school. bottle 5 for after school and on. bottle 6 for evening/hw time/dance/comedy sportz. bottle 7 and 8 to last through out the night.
also when i take bathes (which are quite reguarly. it's a weird madison fact.) i don't just fill up the water THEN get in. i get in and sit as the water fills up. i like the sound of bath water running. or even shower water running. it numbs my thoughts and sorts them out uniquely and nicely.

basically. water is my life. maybe i should try out for the swim team next year.

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