Thursday, March 11, 2010

we are the greatest liars.

[photo taken september 18, 2009 drama kick off party: Darius Smith]

i am at a loss of words right now.
i have waited all day to be able to come to my blog and just let everything sort itself out.
but that hasn't happened.
this won't just sort itself out.

today has really made me realize how not alone we all are and although we lost a great, amazing guy it has really made us grow together as a group. this one boy was able to unite a lot of us in a way we have never been united before. i cried with people i have never talked too.

here is my story:
he switched into my biology class in the middle of the year and sat next to me. i was excited because i thought he was cute and thought maybe he'd be my new boyfriend. we were lab partners. once we started talking he said he liked costa but he didn't have many friends so i told him he should go to improv club and drama club. that that's where my family was. after a couple weeks of convincing he finally came. and then this year he took drama because i convinced him. but you know what? once he started coming in i never once talked to him. barely acknowledged him at all. in fact a couple of times i talked crap behind his back. why? for no reason. because i am a horrible person. a stupid, immature high schooler who thought for some reason i was better than this boy who was always smiling. i am no better than him. i am no better than anyone at all. i wish i could say i liked him. but i am not going to change my opinion about him just because he is gone. what i am going to say is that i wish i was able to try and accept him more. i wish i gave it another chance. who knows? we could have been friends. i feel extremely regretful right now but what i am going to do is take something from this.

i am done not accepting people. i am done not giving people chances and i am DONE thinking i am better than other people. today i hugged whoever i saw crying. no matter how annoying i used to think they were. i dropped every single judgment i made about them in the past and just bonded with them. united. we were all feeling the same way and a lot of these kids NEEDED a shoulder to cry on.

i know what it's like to feel not accepted and you know what it's sad that something THIS big had to happen to make us realize that we can't act like this anymore. so many of the younger kids feel like they can't talk to any of us and it isn't true. we should be the ones they look up to because we accept everybody not because we are intimidating and bitches. we live to entertain. i wish the cliquiness would stop.

now i understand there WILL be people in this world we don't like. and i am not saying we should stop judging people. that won't happen. but we should at least give everybody a chance. say hi to people in the hallways. at least PRETENDING is better than be straight up bitches to their faces. and it's not like it's something we can't do. we're all actors. we are the greatest liars.

i have more to say but my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy. i need a break. maybe after dessert theatre i will have more to say.

i am just upset. i am not just going to ignore what has happened. from now on i am legitimately going to try and be a better person.

if you ever, ever, ever need to talk. i will be here. i promise.


  1. I'm trying to be a better person too, and I am starting with this. Honestly. I hardly know you, but I'd like to take the time to directly apologize to you for some crap my friend and I said to/about you and your friend last year. For no reason. We were dumb freshman, and though of course we have the right to our own pinion, it was totally crossing the line to be so rude. I just hope you can forgive me. I'm really truly sorry.

  2. As a parent who knew Darius a little, and as someone who gets the impact of social pressure and isolation and the high school caste system, let me say how moved I am by your essay. And bravo to you for coming to these realizations while still in school. Most of us get there at some point, but it's normally when we're in our mid-thirties. You've awakened to a greater understanding of what best serves us all, and you've shared it, which serves us all as well. Certainly your message of acceptance reaffirmed my own, so thank you for that. Keep on doin' it, it's what heals the planet.



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