Sunday, May 1, 2011

a complete waste of time.

i owe a huge apology to a lot of people. a lot of people i have hurt within these past few weeks. a lot of people i have led on. a lot of people i have stopped talking to. a specific person i said mean things about. so i'm sorry. that is where i want to start for now.

i'm going to start writing in my blog regularly about everything.

my life pretty much sucks right now.

all my best friends are dating people. and a specific close friend is dating someone i don't think he should be dating.

i am extremely jealous. or maybe that's not the word. i think scared is the right word. i have opened up myself emotionally to this person. every other guy i have ever been this honest with i was dating. and they all ended up leaving me. so i thought it would be safe to open up to this guy because we weren't in any way romantically linked. and it was working out for a really long time. this is the first time i've ever felt completely safe with a guy. i was never worried about him leaving me because we weren't dating. but now he's dating a girl and i am absolutely scared shitless. every time i see them together i see us growing apart. because now i'm not the only girl. she is a priority over me. she's his GIRLFRIEND. i'm just the FRIEND. let's be honest here, he'd probably much rather be spending his time making out with her rather than listening to me complain or cry or talk about music and bands and silly things like that. and this is definitely effecting my view on her and i wish i had better control over it. i bet she's a nice girl but i automatically just resent and despise her. when i see her with him i can't help but only think really mean things about her. and that makes me feel so horrible.

it's not that i'm jealous that he has someone. or that they all have someone. i thought that was the issue. it's not. i don't want to like someone right now. i've tried. i really have. i just don't have the ability to like anybody right now.

i think it's a complete waste of time. we only have a few months left and i don't want to be spending my time getting to know a new person. that's all i'm going to be doing when i get to college. i want to spend my time with the people i've grown with over the years. the people that have already been apart of my life for awhile now. THEY are my priority. and it makes me frustrated that they don't see it the same way i do.

let's make the best of the time we have left together. pinky promise?

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