Sunday, September 26, 2010

i had one of THOSE weeks.
i went through disappointment after disappointment after disappointment.
which made me realize, i'm a disappointment.
now i don't mean that in a depressive, slit the wrists, commit suicide way.
more of the kind of way where i regret how i spent my time.
but the weird thing is if i had the chance to do it over i most likely wouldn't change a thing... because...that's just who i am.

i'm a disappointment to my parents. i spent my 4 years instead of focusing on my academics trying to figure out myself through my art. but nobody really cares about that stuff.

it's weird. i wasn't upset i didn't get into the show. not at all. but then when my parents asked about it and found out the answer they starting freaking out making it a big deal and how i deserved to be in that show.

...if i deserved to be in that show wouldn't i be in it now?

i'm a realistic person. and i'm a honest person. which helps me get through a lot. maybe that's what maturity is? i'm able to admit when i am wrong and when i don't deserve things. granted, honestly, i should be in the show. but i don't DESERVE it.

i'm one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason. i always have. i don't believe in a fate kind of magical way but more of if something happens that you don't want, it's your job instead of sulking around crying about it, to figure out what you can do with that time instead.

for example: i didn't make drama president. which is totally cool. but i'm an over analyzer and maybe this is just how i deal with my feelings. so since i didn't make drama president i had the thought in my head that maybe i'm meant to do something with glee club. now it could just be my optimism or my crazy imagination that is leading me astray from reality but that's ok because honestly...that's who i am.

so i just reread what i wrote. (i jump around a lot in my blogs. get used to it and hopefully you can keep up.) i'm making my parents sound like bad guys. they have been proud of me before. they love my art and have supported me through much of it. but the problem with this world is we all care too much about what other people think.

college is a big deal because we all make it a big deal. yes. it's important. very, very important. i'm not denying it. but i thought college was supposed to be that learning experience where you learn everything about the occupation you want to pursue? it just sucks that in order to even begin to get there you must fit the "quota" or the requirements.

but not everything is about grades. it's not like i've spent the past 4 years sitting on the couch playing video games day after day. or going to parties every night. i've spent it doing the things i'm passionate about and the things i love. i'm just afraid that isn't enough. but why?

mr. mccormick showed my music theory class a video about how they think the future is to be determined by the artists. that they will be the main contributors for what is to come. working with scientists, inventors, matheticians(i know that's not a word just go along with it) doctors, explorers. i think that's exciting. ever since time has begun artists have been the outcasts that society secretly admires.

my biggest problem is finding a balance between what i want to do and what i have to do. i get that. i should have done better in school because in life i will be facing situations in which i don't want to endure.

i'm not oblivious. i'm not stupid.

ugh. such a rant, eh?

let's call it a night and bet i'll be over it by tomorrow.

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