Sunday, January 3, 2010

some of the best times. some of the worst times.

January: this was it. everything i prepared myself for the past 5 months was going to be taken into action. i was proud of myself. i had proven myself wrong. my whole life i had let myself convince myself that i would never become a dancer. it was the first time i felt like i was one of them and i was finally going to be apart of the family i wanted so badly to become apart of. then the tests for knowledge came along...good bye everything i worked for. hello new depression. have you ever worked so hard for something and then had it ripped away from you? this was also the time i was betrayed by my best friend. i had a huge crush on this boy who i now consider one of my best friends. but it was a big deal for me. she stole his heart...kind of. i was jealous. i wanted him to look at me the same way he looked at her. i was mad that she lied to me. but i was to much of a wimp to stand up for myself and say something. january was a hard month.

February: i was still depressed about the show. this was also the month i came into realization about one of my best friends. and then she disappeared. i hated her. i hated the way she treated me. i always felt like i was being judged...and i thought that was normal. i guess being apart of them i always felt like i was being judged. like i could never fully be myself because if i ever did exhibit myself i would be shut down. it was easier for me to be a fake person and accepted rather than the real me and denied. i didn't know who the real me was. but i faked it. it seemed real for a while. i also started dance class and 5 year olds. the only difference was that i was alone. while i was here training as i had been for half of the year my friends were out there actually putting the training to use.

March: i was torturing myself. not physically but emotionally. i had to film the things i couldn't even face to see in person. i had to document. and whenever i document i am forced to put myself into it in a way that no one will ever imagine or understand. that's art right? who knows. this made it harder for me to get over. i was just counting down for when this whole mess would be over. the show i was once in love with had developed a new feeling inside of me. it was a mixture of hate, hopefulness, and jealousy. you can't even imagine what it's like to film my friends, the ones i love, doing what I should be doing. the hardest thing was that it was the first show i KNEW i could have handled. i was finally ready.

April/June: the first few weeks were upsetting. i was finally starting to try and figure out the real me. i hated them for a while. i couldn't even handle being in the same room as them. i don't know why. i think it's because i never fully felt accepted even though i was told by everyone that i was loved. maybe i let the jealously get over me. i tried sitting with new people each day. i sat with the asb kids for a while. then everything started getting better. i thought opening night for the show would be torture but it was the opposite. opening night i went to see the show with a boy i had been crushing on ever since he played drums at my birthday party. i considered it a date. i felt like i was in a movie. i would get really excited and start blushing and jumping up and down but then telling myself " isn't anything. we are just watching the show together. there will be hundreds of people surrounding us. what am i doing?" and that's just the thing. i didn't know what i was doing. it was exciting...but i was terrified. the night of opening night i was smiling the whole night. every time i heard his laugh i couldn't help but look at him and smile. i had started to admire that laugh. and when he gave me that wink i knew that i was entering something indescribable. when things started evolving i found myself happier than ever. this boy helped me figure out who i was. i don't think he realized it.

May: nothing really big happened in may. i was finally starting to realize what it meant to share a life with someone. i was finally adjusted to the life as me and him. i really lucked out with him. he was the best first high school relationship for me. he didn't pressure me. he waited for me. he respected me. and just by doing those things i knew that he really did care for me if he was able to go against his human boy nature. it meant a lot. i was finally starting to open up to him and it was a big deal for me. i was smitten.

June: i was ready for summer already. i was kind of afraid because i knew i wouldn't be seeing him everyday but i was excited because i thought finally he wouldn't be busy with school and we could just have me and him time. the time i had grown to depend on. seeing all the seniors graduate was hard for many reasons. the people who had helped me through the crazy "depression" (who would have guessed i would need them even more later?) and also it really made me realize that he was a year older than me. i knew it wouldn't last forever because he would eventually graduate and go to change the world with his astounding talent. i mean. i knew it wouldn't last forever. which is good. but wait. we aren't there yet...summer started. movie nights. summer school.

July: i was happy. summer school wasn't to bad. i don't really remember what happened in every individual month of summer. i sort of just clumped summer together. i wasn't seeing him everyday but it was ok because when i did get to see him we spent the whole night together. i was just happy to have him.

August: i went to the place i consider my second home. it looked's getting worse and better at the same time. this was really the time i let my artistic side take complete control of me. i was upset some of the time because i missed him so i had to let my art take the wheel. it opened my eyes. all the times i had been complaining at home, i just looked at the world here. it got me excited because i realized that there was a whole other world out there. everything is different. a lot of the time i got jealous because he was off doing other things and i was afraid that he didn't miss me half as much as i missed him. maybe he just didn't show it as much or didn't want to admit it. i don't really understand. dog birthday parties, days at the beach, baking cookies, watching movies. this was also the month i did the musical theatre workshop...i loved it more than everyone else. it was the first time i felt apart of something like that again. i can't explain it. you will only get it if you have been in a show. i then went to camp. i missed him...but not as much as i did before. every time i go up there i become a new person. it's a refreshing escape from the real world. this world up here seems unreal. everyone is nice to each other. there is no hate. imagine a world without hate. unrealistic right? this is when i also gained more self confidence in myself. there was this boy who for some reason started to like me while i was here. he was older and extremely attracted. i guess this is when i started realizing that boys DID notice me. i started to feel attractive and that has made all the difference. who knew that having confidence in yourself could do that? this was also the month of his birthday. i get excited for birthdays...especially his. i didn't know what to do. a picnic seemed like a good idea. i was afraid he wouldn't like it. this was one of the few presents i have given that actually...meant something to me.

September: school started up again. i entered into the new school year confident. i had an amazing boy and a taylor swift dress to start the new school year. also new boots to keep my cell phone in. the fall musical was coming up fast but boy was i ready. i just wanted a chance to shine. i knew i was ready. i got excited. i had convinced my mind. i gave myself false hope. i knew i was going to get into the show. after getting into comedy sportz (which was/is the best thing in my life) i was confident. but alas i didn't get in. i was upset for little while but then bigger things came and it was the least of my worries. everything started to fall apart. my mom started acting weird. i didn't want to jump to conclusions. then i found out that the monster was back. the one i thought was cured for good.

October: it was bad. she was bad. she was losing it. coming into my room crying saying she had lost control. the demons had possessed her...she thought she was seeing demons again. everything flashed back to 6th grade when i would walk into her room and find her on the floor with no shirt on, screaming for the pain to go away. she would ask for me to help. i didn't do anything. and ever since that day i had regretted it. so this time when she came to me i felt like i had to do something. i comforted her. she was crying in my arms. i thought this was normal. i didn't feel comfortable but what do you do if your mom comes into your room crying begging for help? you aren't going to shut the door. my dad was fed up. she kept betraying him. every time she stole his drugs he fell less in less out of love with her...and she has stolen them a lot. just do the math. i couldn't handle my mom's problem. but i felt like i could handle the divorce because everything seemed easier with him. then he left...he left. i was left to fend for myself. i had gotten so use to the life with him that it was hard to battle everything by myself. then he got with another girl. his best friend. the same girl i was always jealous of during our relationship. that was more than i can handle. i have to walk the other way every time i see him doing the things he used to do with me...with her. i was mad. i was hurt. i was sad. i was confused. he just left as if it was nothing. i was selfish. but how could i not be? i had to think of myself. i couldn't afford to think of anyone else but me otherwise there would no longer be a me. my mom left too. it seemed that everyone was leaving. i was afraid to open up to anyone. i made a really good friend through all this with one text message i sent. i was glad i did. i felt myself leaning on this kid. we were barely friends before and here i was telling him everything...just breaking down to him. he helped me through everything. he was my support. the support that i needed after austin left. i also made a new brother. this brother didn't always know exactly what to say but he always did small things that fixed things. he was there for me. i know he was overwhelmed because he didn't know what to do. he was caught in the middle because i know the boy who left was his best friend but he also had to see what his best friend was doing to me. but i couldn't help it. i wasn't thinking about anyone else. i just couldn't. i'm sorry. i feel like i broke up their friendship but i needed this brother...i don't regret falling on him. i trust him and always will. there was also a couple girls who helped me through it all as well. i didn't realize how alone i WASN'T actually. as i type this. i was lucky to have them. one girl is someone i always go to for guy advice. i have always adored her and she has always been there for me. another girl wasn't here anymore but she was always here. does that make sense? physically she wasn't in my presence but emotionally she was always there for me. and the last girl is the girl who smacks sense into me. she tells me the truth. she also tried to bring religion into it. the one thing i looked past this whole thing. thank you everybody. and i'm sorry...for everything.

November: i was coping. i was getting through it all. i had let myself to develop a crush on this one boy during hell week of the apple tree. it was the same boy i had always had a crush on...for a while. but then what happened in january happened again. with one of the girls who had always been there for me. the only girl i also told about the last time this situation happened. i was mad because i knew what was going to happen. girl likes boy. boy falls for girl harder than girl wanted. girl doesn't actually end up wanting boy. boy is sad. it isn't her fault though. she just didn't want what he wanted. and i knew that from the beginning. i WAS mad. really mad because it happened again. all my chances were ruined and i was hurt. but then i met another boy...and i am glad i did. he made me happy. happier than i had been for a while. i was hesitant at first...i wasn't sure if i was ready to like another boy after everything. i was also afraid because it was HER ex. i didn't want drama with her. i don't want drama with anyone. i was afraid of how she would react. so i convinced myself that i didn't like him. but then he started to like me and we went to see the apple tree closing night and that was when i realized that i liked him. and i started to freak out. and then she found out that we had been talking and encouraged me to go for it. said i'd be crazy not to. said we were looking for the same thing. i was afraid i would be the rebound and that he wasn't ready...but almost everyone convinced me that he was. i think they did believe he was at the time. and so i went against my gut and convinced myself as well...and being with him i had more fun that i had ever had before. he was different than the boy who broke my heart. he acted like he wanted to talk to me. he would initiate the conversations felt nice. i felt for the first time ever that he liked me just as much as i liked him. we had a lot of fun during thanksgiving break. we opened up to each other.

December: this is usually my favorite month. this year it wasn't. it wasn't bad. but it just wasn't what i always set it up to be. my birthday wasn't great. i thought it was going to be. he ended things with me. i was confused because he said he still liked me and i still liked him. i refused to believe it was over. i just had a feeling. he just wasn't over her. and then i hung out with the boy i had always had a crush on (the same boy that she thought she liked.) we went to see christmas lights and i had an amazing time. we were flirting. i know we were. though he denied it to her (because he told me he wanted to try again with her. why would he admit to her that he sort of liked me?) then i hung out with her ex. we went to the drama party together. everyone was confused...just as much as i was. i didn't know what was going on but i went with it. then she told me to go for the other boy (christmas lights boy. is this confusing? yeah. me too.) and that the one i still liked wasn't stable and it wasn't a good idea. she said he was to experienced for me and he most likely was. i didn't listen. i knew i would get hurt. i mean...everybody gets hurt in life. but i knew that he made me happy and for now the only thing i could do was grasp onto the things that made me happy and just never let go. so we started things up again. and it went really well for a while. but i have a problem. i get too attached to people easily. me and him did more things than me and my first love did. well i mean we did it more intensely. we didn't go far. but because we did things so intense i got even more attached. it would hurt to much to just let it be nothing. i couldn't handle it to just be nothing. i didn't want this just to be a rebound. i couldn't handle it because of how attached i got. but then they talked again. he got all shook up. i didn't understand what she possibly could have said that got him like this. so i went with it. then new years eve...THEY were there. the couple i can barely walk past was at the same part as me. same room. same friends. i was freaking out. i couldn't handle it. i started to break down. and the thing i hadn't felt like this for a while. i needed him. but he said his parents wouldn't let him out. i was upset. i needed the support. but i got through it. it was hard and i was relieved when they left. i know they were laughing at me at one point. i don't know if they were making fun of me or not. but it was hard. then the next day i found out that he lied to me...he went to the party where SHE was at. i wasn't mad that he went to the party. i was mad that he lied to me. i was hurt. i needed him more than he knows/knew. it's just...after all the times i was there for him he couldn't be there for me this one time. he was probably afraid i would tell him it was a stupid thing to do. and it was. she is done with him as sad as it and he just keeps trying to push himself in. nobody knows why he is doing this. i mean. he is acting normal. as any person would in this situation. but he could make it easier on himself if he tried...really tried. i just don't know what to do. i want to help him. oh well. here i am. i don't know what's going to happen next. i really don't.

here's to 2009. some of the best times. some of the worst times.

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