be happy for this moment for this moment is your life.

it feels as if my life could fall apart any second. but it hasn't. will it?

one last goodnight.

you abandoned me when i need you the most.
i need you because without you i don't think i can handle things.
you just...left. that was that.
now i am left to deal alone.

alone.

the one thing i fear above everything else.

i feel so lost.

lost.

it's not just you that has me feeling this way.
it's a multitude of things that you just added on to.

it won't be easy. i know that i will move on. but with you everything was easier. i felt like i could handle anything because if something went wrong i could always run to you and you'd be standing there with open arms.
i guess i was wrong.

i am a little mad. mostly hurt though.

maybe i changed but can you blame me?
i am still myself.
sure just a little more vulnerable.
and i would eventually snap out of it.
i just can't believe you weren't willing to wait for me.
to try and change things.

it will be weird trying to adjust to a life without you. the same life that i had gotten used to during these 6 months.

i don't hate you. i never will. i never could. you were my first high school love. which also means i will never forget you the same way you might forget me. you are a wonderful person. and i know you tried...it will just take me awhile to accept these changes.


(this is just the way i feel. doesn't make it true. and it's probably just more amplified because i am hurt.)

she screamed.

she asked, no she screamed.
for help.
i stood there. not knowing what to do.
not knowing what was going on.
i stood.
i stared.
i cared.
i did care. but i didn't do anything.
what's the point of caring if you just let it happen?

what could i do though? i didn't know what to do. was there anything i could do?
could i have prevented it?
could have changed everything.
then would she love me if i did something?

why couldn't i do anything?

why couldn't i do anything?

why...can't i do anything?

i am hopeless.
a disgrace.
maybe that's why i am where i am in her life.

i am not ready to let go.

i've just thought of something.
you let go.
what if you learn from letting go?
just because you let go doesn't mean i'm going to let YOU go.

it takes two to let go for something to completely disappear.
i am not ready to let go.

i am going to hold on.

boy, i am going to hold on.

then maybe you will learn from me holding on.

you let go.

i'm falling too soon.
i'm calling for you.
i reach for your hand.
you let go and...and.

you let go.

you don't even realize you let go.
but you let go and that's all that matters.

now i am falling alone.

be afraid to jump.

don't be afraid to live.

Be afraid to jump because there isn't always water beneath you when you fall.
Be afraid to jump because your friends are at the top waving as if you were nothing at all.
Be afraid to jump because the waves aren't real, they are disguised, wanting you as prey.
Be afraid to jump because it isn't true, it just isn't true. The truth isn't in the words they say.

Truth, Truth what is truth?
Words can be truth, but words can be lies.
So how can you tell between their crazy disguise?

Don't listen, just think, think about you.
Don't believe, just trust, trust what you do.

because what you do is who you are.

if you do what you trust, then there you will find who you are.

just.don't.jump.

because you won't come back.

because you won't be you.

because you won't be real.

you will be a wave. a lie. disguised...disguised...disguised.

Dear World,

Hi, it’s me again. I’m a little taller than last time I wrote to you. Technology has also advanced a bit more since the last time I talked to you considering the fact that I wrote my first letter to you in my diary as a young girl. Now I am a teenager and I am using the internet to express my love.

It’s weird. We used to be more sychronized than this. All the time I would feel as if everything was right, and now it’s like a roller coaster. At times everything is good, life is great and at other times life just totally stinks. Is it because I am growing up? Shrinking? Have I now developed a usable brain instead of sharing with my parents?

I miss you. I missed the way that every time I saw something unordinary or even ordinary I would take in the beauty and just be so surprised and informed. I don’t want to fight against you. I don’t want to question you. I just want it to be easy again.

I guess we have moved on for now, and maybe one day we will be back together again and forever.

Sincerly,

That red head who isn’t actually a red head

P.S. You were probably confused on why I mentioned shrinking! Where have you been my whole life? Yeah, I shrunk. Looks like I went from 5′2 to 5′1. Huh. Is this your doing?

P.P.S. I also have red hair now. So if you ever want to send me some love or guidance you can now recognize me, right? No excuses!