i owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

i know everyone thinks i went off to england on some grand, big adventure that was going to be life changing...but...okay let me tell the story.

(keep in mind this might sound silly but in my defense i am beyond tired.)

before i flew off i had very big expectations. i was very confident that this was going to be the best time ever. adventure by adventure taking me by storm (you folks back home know i love those adventures) but i never expected it to be scary. i was stuck in a house full of people i called family...but also a house full of people i barely ever talked to. it was horrible. i literally stayed in my room and read, barely speaking, barely doing anything for the first few days. but that changed. and not because of anything i did.

a owe a huge thank you to a certain group of people.

this past week i have had the opportunity to be surrounded by some of the coolest people i think i will ever meet. going to a new country is beyond scary but for some reason they were all nice enough to accept me into their little group. not to mention there is a boy i have developed a major crush on. there is the girl who is super friendly and wouldn't hurt a fly (not to mention she is also one of the prettiest girls ever.) the boy who is the boyfriend to the super friendly girl and who doesn't say much but is very nice and caring. the boy with the blue eyes and who always seem to have the biggest smile on. he also manages to get everyone else to smile as well. the girl who is just all around kind and accepting. the boy with the long, curly hair (who my aunt calls goldilocks) who comes off as bad-ass but seems to genuinely care. the intelligent boy who always makes witty, smart-ass comments (because he can...) and who also seems to always be helping people out. and of course, the person who deserves the biggest thanks, my cousin. he is the nicest and most caring person. i am lucky to be the same age as him and i am lucky we get along so well. he's helped me a lot. (even though he won't let me drive his car. DANG IT.)

the truth is...i did go on a trip that was life changing. i mean. i hope it continues to be life changing. being surrounded by these people has helped me immensely. not only to prepare me for college but it also broke me out of the drama department state. meaning we all know how everyone in the drama department is cliquey and not accepting. i couldn't help but think that if it was someone trying to come into my group of friends (EVEN for a few weeks) they wouldn't have been as accepting.

so i thought i'd say thank you. even though you guys will probably never read this i just thought it should be said.

The promise I just couldn't keep.

"This is the place you promised me you would never grow up."

I had totally forgotten. About 11 years ago The Swart family was taking a trip to visit the family in England. The father was looking around at all of the people, all of the goodbyes which probably caused him to say this,

"Promise me you two will never grow up?" The father said as the two young girls giggled and looked at each other.

"Dadddd." The curly haired one whined.

"We can't promise you that." The eldest daughter said as she proceeded with taking off her shoes and putting them in the security bin. The father grabbed the security bin and looked at the two girls, eyeing them. They both continued to giggle thinking it was all a big game, though 11 years later they would soon come to realize it wasn't.

"Promise me or we're not going through." He said in a joking matter. The two girls rolled their eyes anxious to go buy their snacks and watch dvd's on their father's laptop.

"Okay fine. We promise." The eldest girl said as she jumped up and grabbed the security bin.

"Yeah we promise." The curly haired girl mimicked as she scrunched up her blanket and stuck her thumb in her mouth, following the eldest sister.


Now here we were standing at the airport right before the security point where from then on I would be on my own. I bit my lip softy as I looked up at my father, tears were glistening in his eyes. He probably would have been crying if I hadn't made him promise before hand not to.

"Don't be sad. This isn't goodbye. You're going to see me in just a few weeks!" I said trying to lighten the mood though I knew it was a matter of mere seconds until I would be crying as well.

I didn't know what to say. What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep? In my defense I was about 8 or 9 at the time so it wasn't a true promise. You know like "I promise I'll walk the dogs" or "I promise I won't get addicted" or "I promise I'm not cheating on you." So let me ask again, What do you say when you know you've made a promise you couldn't keep?

A blog post coming from the ultimte fan girl.

What I am about to write is coming from the perspective of an 18 year old girl, at 3:00 in the morning, feeling emotional from just watching a movie. So I apologize in advance if everything is illiterate and senseless.

I have to admit something. I haven't been completely honest with everybody and for the past four years I fear I have been hiding a part of myself I wanted to be hidden for pride and judgment purposes, which I finally realize now was foolish.

I smarter than people think I am and not just with advice but with writing and literacy as well. I am saying this now because after tonight I never noticed how people don't take me seriously. How people don't respect or listen to me and you know what? It's the last straw. I deserve more than how I am treated. I am more than just that funny girl on Comedysportz. I am more than that awkward girl who doesn't fit in with the people she calls her best friends. I am more than the photographer. I am more than that girl who almost didn't graduate. I am more. I am more. I am more.

I am a complete and utter nerd. I always will be. I develop obsessions with movies and stories because I love to dwell on the escape it opens for me. Needless to say I am probably a bigger Harry Potter fan than most of the people in the South Bay because I do more than just read Harry Potter fan fiction. I do more than reading Harry Potter wikipedia constantly. Want to know a secret? For six years I was a Harry Potter roleplayer and damn good one at that. Actually, one of the bests [Not to be cocky.] What exactly does that mean? I pick a character. I become that character. Did you know there are probably more 3,000 Harry Potter roleplayers out there? Hell and that's JUST Harry Potter roleplayers. I am willing to bet there are more than 7,000 roleplayers out there. Which is amazing if you think about it. Some of the best writers in the world uniting and creating stories that were never thought of.

I bet a lot of people are reading this either in confusion or reading this aloud to a group of friends laughing at how stupid I probably sound but here is something to think about. What makes a roleplayer different than an actor? Other than the obvious reasons but ultimately they are one in the same.

A lot of people ask me how I made it through my life while being so sane. Or how I got so mature. Or how I never completely lost hope when bad things after bad things kept happening to me. It'd be wrong for me to answer with roleplaying because that isn't true. Roleplaying helped me immensely but it is not the answer. Roleplaying guided me in the right direction. If it weren't for roleplaying I would still be the shy girl who sat in her room all day reading Harry Potter books. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have developed a confidence and a voice to speak out. If it weren't for roleplaying I never would have thought to join drama. If it weren't for roleplaying I would have never started writing and if I never started writing I would have never dreamed of becoming a director because ultimately being a director is being able to control the emotion. The emotion of the audience. Or perhaps even the reader. Controlling the emotion of the actors.

Control is the key. Control is also something I am still learning to master.

I haven't been roleplaying these past few years because I myself, lost control. I lost control of reality and started to blur the life of roleplaying into the life of Madison Swart. Which is a very dangerous thing. I would stay inside all day and worry about my online life rather than my real life. Compare it to Inception, if you must.

The reason I started writing this blog was inspired by the last Harry Potter movie. I decided to go and look through all of my past roleplaying accounts and I just read through...everything.

I am no longer ashamed because I really feel like I have figured myself out as a person. I love the way I think and I love the way I care about people and I love the way I put myself in other people's shoes.

I am aware this probably sounds ridiculous and confusing but this is important. If any of you in the world are depressed. Or feeling like there is no escape. Or you have a horrible life. Or you find yourself reading, only to wish that this was you I suggest roleplaying. Or writing. I swear to god it will make you a better person. It will boost your confidence and help you learn to communicate better.

The next blog post I write will be going more into detail about the roleplaying world and what exactly I did because whether or not you care to admit it I bet you are curious and I bet very few of you have heard about this before me.

For now I will leave you with something I wrote and posted onto all of my roleplaying accounts. I don't know if this will change anybody's views about me or if this is even important to anybody else but me.

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Last year the last toy story ended and all the graduating seniors found it more sentimental than the rest because they too, like Andy, were leaving for college. My senior class has grown up with Harry Potter. Almost always being in the same grade as the trio. The ending of the Harry Potter movies not only marks the ending of, well the Harry Potter movies, but also the ending of an amazing generation. But just because the Harry Potter movies are ending it does not mean it's the end of Harry Potter. Harry Potter will never die. It's inevitable. Harry Potter was meant to survive and so it shall be.

Now I will transition into my personal story of how Harry Potter has affected my life and if you are reading this I am quite curious to hear yours as well. Let's all reminisce together: for if it wasn't for Harry Potter we all wouldn't have these accounts.

If it weren't for the Harry Potter movies I wouldn't be the same person I am today. Period. Not only would I not have been the same person but I most likely wouldn't even be the same roleplayer I am today. I had never shown an interest in Harry Potter before the movies. My father was always urging me to read the books but I wasn't a book reader back then. Then I saw the first movie and I fell in love. I was about 9 or 10 around the time and I remember leaving that theater telling my dad to buy me the Harry Potter books instantly. So we drove to the book store that night got myself the first Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone.

I read that first book in one night, which for me was really quite remarkable. I did not fall in love with reading until Harry Potter and soon after I was known as that quiet girl who always read Harry Potter in class. When I was in 7th grade my parents forced me to go to church camp. I wasn't very good at making friends back then so I brought all my Harry Potter books with me as some sort of a safety net. Of course I didn't think about the consequences of bringing Harry Potter books to a Christian camp until now. Think about it for a moment. Heh. Now I am the witty, out going, funny girl who always makes people smile and when my old friends from church camp tell people how we met they would say "She would refuse to come out with us on the lake and would stay in the cabin all day reading Harry Potter." Everybody laughs and think it's a joke! Nobody believes that I used to be that girl.

I have read each of the books at least 7 times. I started roleplaying about 6 years ago and the first account I ever made was a Ginny Weasley account. I would not be a roleplayer without Harry Potter. Hell, I probably wouldn't even be as literate as I am without Harry Potter. That is what roleplaying as done for me.

I have had a horrible childhood. It started getting bad for me in middle school when our family found out about my mom's drug addiction. That was when life started to hit me and I started to grow up. Being the eldest of three children I was forced to grow up and act mature which roleplaying has helped me with immensely. I have used roleplaying and reading to let myself feel like a child while also feeling like an adult. Here I am pretending I'm an imaginary character while writing at least 12 paragraphs a day. My imagination grew. My literacy grew. My maturity grew. I, myself, grew and I sincerely have Harry Potter to thank for that.

Long live Harry Potter.

last night was probably one of the best nights/days of my life. i hung out with this boy who i've always sort of had a crush on.

we were on the hammock (he of course had his ukulele in hand) i had my head on his shoulder and we just looked up and sang songs. it was like something out of the movies.

we would be dating if i wasn't leaving so soon. that was brought up many times through out the night and it was basically as if we were dating. we kissed sort of as a joke. then we kissed again. i have to thank my sister for being the one to force us to kiss.

it's really frustrating. why didn't we start dating sooner? in the beginning of the year.

regardless not all hope is lost.

"i hate you."

"lies."

"i'm probably going to kiss you again, so you're probably right."

it seriously just hit me. well actually it hit me at like 3 in the morning when i was watching a movie. but i put it off. so of course i woke up this morning pretty sad.

i cant believe that my classes are over. most specifically music theory. i can't fucking believe that comedy sportz is over. you know the thing i miss the most from comedy sportz? getting texts from the twitter about fun away things and driving with the team and being silly. i can't believe i can no longer call the drama room my home. that's surreal. i'm never going to go buy lunch again there. or go with jason and eric to get snacks. or gabby. that is no longer my school. so any other time i step onto that campus i am super senior.

it was really hard saying goodbye to jason. i didn't think it'd be a big deal. but it was the absolute worst. why has he affected so many peoples lives that a lot of people are sad he is leaving?

i hope this feeling of sadness goes away soon so i can enjoy my summer.

i'm really confused. about everything. certain events have taken place these past few days that have really forced me to become...cautious. before if anything happened to me that upset me or that i was confused about i would text people. usually one person. but now i've had to stop. and it's really weird. because i used to logic myself out and figure things out by talking to other people. but now i'm getting turned against it. it's really hard. to restrain myself from texting. from needing help. or asking for help. because i don't know who else to ask. or who else to talk to. who i could be hurting or affecting by talking about this crazy shit to.

i'm just a basket case.

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him.